Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, I have made it through the holiday season without Bryan.  Well almost, we will see how tomorrow goes.  This has year has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Somewhere in myhead I thought it would be easier than last year.  It hasn't been easier, it has been different.

Last year I was still in shock over losing my precious baby boy. I know he was 25 but he will alway be my baby.  This year the reality of the never s hit.  I made new stockings for the family.  I made one for Bryan, as I started to piece it together and sew it I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality that his stocking will forever remain empty.  I will never get the chance to see his face brighten when he get a special treat in his stocking. I will never get that feeling I got when I scored the best christmas present for him. I never get to hear him laugh over the traditional Christmas boxers he got every year.

As I received the first Christmas card with the perfect family on it, it hit.  The reality that my family will always be incomplete.  I will never get family photos or pictures of all of my kids taken again because one will always be missing.  I did send a card this year but its not one of all of together, it had to be a college of pictures so I could make sure include Bryan.  I know some will be offended but he will forever be part of my family. Even writing the Christmas letter felt weird, I wasn't wasn't able to write of Bryan's accomplishments.  

Last year decorating for Christmas was unbearable.  Not the Bryan liked to decorate but he loved to the food and snacks that was around when decorating.  This year it wasn't unbearable but made me very sad.  Another reality Bryan would never beg me to make my caramels or sugar cookies.  He will never complain about putting all of the ornaments on the tree, or hearing all the old stories about the special ornaments and listening to all the "gay" Christmas music. Yes I even miss his complaining and whining.

As tomorrow comes there will be another harsh reality.  I will never again have the opportunity of waking up on Christmas morning with all of my children gathered around the Christmas tree with eagerness to open presents.  

As Krystal, Kyle, and Heather open their pajamas today my mind will drift back to a time when my family was complete.  Tomorrow morning opening presents, I will be even more aware of the huge gaping hole in my heart. I will put on a happy face and hide the tears that will be trying to escape.  I will thank God for the 25 years I had with Bryan and pray His grace will get me through the day.

I miss you Bub.  Merry Christmas! Please come home for Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. I miss Bryan more everyday. I woke up this morning,turned on the tv to watch the parade.  A tradition I had with my older kids when they were smaller.  We would have breakfast in cuddled on the couch watching the parade after breakfast we would all be board with the parade and start preparing food for the day.  They would help with whatever we were making.  They would steel marshmallows lick spoons and taste test everything.  I miss those days. 

Bryan's favorite was pumpkin pie, he took after his mom.  We would always fight for the last piece, usually he would win (only because he ate it in middle of the night) but there was many times he would bring me the pie with an extra fork and we would share it.

I miss the phone calls I got on every holiday that we weren't together.  "Hi Mommy. Happy Thanksgiving.  I love you!"  He would always tell me what food he had or was going to have.  I would always hear "no one can do pumpkin pie like you". I wish I could hear it all again.  

Halloween

This is the time of year I have a love/hate relationship with. I used to love this time of year. It was the start of the Holiday season for me. My kids loved Halloween. Bryan especially. He loved anything that food or candy was involved. He loved to dress up and loved to get candy. I think he went trick or treating right up to the end. I think he said he was chaperoning a small child. He used to say he was going to steal some little kids bag just to get their candy. Instead of stealing candy he always found some little goblin that was crying or fell and dropped his candy. He would help the little kid pick up his candy or tell him to stop crying, then he would share his candy. He couldn't stand a little one crying. It always brought tears to my eye (and still does) at how big of heart Bryan had. He always wanted everyone to believe he was tough, he was one giant teddy bear.

Bryan liked to dress up but he loved the time with me and Krystal discussing our plans of the costumes, making or buying them and putting the final touches on them. My favorite was when he decided he was going to be a cheerleader and then chickened out and was a bloody dead cheerleader because it was more manly. This year I think he will try to be a devil. I can hear him arguing with St. Peter. He always loved a good debate!

 This year is the second year of the hate part of the relationship with this time of year. I guess for obvious reasons. He is not here. But I hate the flood of emotions I have with every memory. So happy yet so sad. The double edge sword pierces and then chops up my heart. I have already started the insomnia and the dreams. My guess is they will stick around until after the first of the. The roller coaster of emotions will get higher and lower.

November 1 I will start writing on my other blog what I am thankful for. However today I will start the list on here. I am so thankful that I got to be Bryan's mom. What an awesome privilege it was and is. There were a lot of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, failure and accomplishment but I wouldn't change anything about those special 25 years except that when and how he left this earth. I am so blessed to have had him. He could always make me smile and at the same time I would be madder than heck at him.

 I want to ask everyone that if you knew Bryan or know me and how much I want Bryan to be remembered positively, and not just as the kid that was fun to party with and od'd, please do at least one random act of kindness during this Holiday season in the his memory. I am guessing this would be pretty much all of you if your reading this. I would love to hear what kind of acts were done to keep Bryan's memory alive. Leave a comment, post it on Facebook, text me. If you don't want to tell me the act could you please let me know you did one?

Silly reminder

Someone has a warped sense of humor. I admit it made me smile

Today when I pulled a pair of jeans off the closet a pair of Bryan's boxers fell on my head. I know they were Bryan's because no one else in the family wears boxers. Bryan has been gone 15 months now. I have been pulling jeans and pants off my shelf almost everyday sense then  I have even stood on my bed to look up there. Never have I seen a pair of his boxers up there.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how they got up there. I can say I smiled and chucked to myself.  It's the kind of thing that would make our family smile and shake our heads. Bry, I love you so much. It was nice to have a silly reminder of you even you did wear them on your skanky  butt!

Missing you

I miss you, Bryan.  I miss your laugh, your silly joke, the I am in trouble phone call,the girlfriend sagas but mostly I just miss you. It's been 438 day since you went away, not that I am counting or anything. Everyday seems like a thousand. I don't cry as much anymore, my mind is mostly back and I don't think I am certifiably crazy anymore, although your brother and sisters might not agree.  I smile a little more although the smiles don't quite make it to my eyes.  I don't feel as guilty laughing and enjoying stuff that you would enjoy..  I know you would want me to enjoy life, and I am trying but there is such a major void a part of me that's not there anymore.

There are so many things that remind me of you, recessess peanut better cups, pumpkin pie, funny boxers, McDonalds, your blanket.  There is so many things I have the thought I am going to ca...but then I remember I can't call you.  You're favorite time of year is upon us again. Halloween through Christmas.  The way to YOUR heart truly was through food.  I could make smile just by telling you I made a pie, or buying you a candy bar. I miss fighting over pumpkin pie.  

There are so many things I want your opinion on.  You are so interwoven in my life even though you're not here.  So many things make me think of you.  Thanks for being my son and teaching me so many lessons of life.

I really didn't mean for this to be sad and depressing.  I just wanted to talk with you to feel you by my side again.  Yep you guessed it I want to hear "mommy I love you!"

Until we meet again.

I love you Bub. Don't do anything that will get you in to too much trouble.  Hope your having a good time!

Phone calls

Have you ever recieved one of those phone calls.  You know, the kind that change your life by just answering the phone or listening to a message. The kind that you remember every detail, date, time and exactly where you were and what you were doing when you recieve the call.  I have recieved many of those phone calls, some of the calls added happiness and joy to my life but most of them did not. The kind of phone call I got  are the kind  in all of our worst nightmares.  The ones that you pray you will never receieve or wonder how you would react if you got one..

 I recived the first of  many life changing phone calls on Feburary 24, 1989.  I was living my dream life.  I had a 2 year old little boy and pregnant with my girl.  I had the perfect life, I was a stay at home mom/wife. All of that changed with one word "Hello."  The next words would begin a whirlwind of change in my life.   "Mrs. Burt, This is  the First Sergent  Ken is at the dispensary.  You probably need to get there as soon as you can."  The call was the first in a series of events that led me to find out my husband had brain cancer and was expected to live 9 months to a year.

The next phone call was about a year later, Febuary 4,1990.  This time I was at church.  I was pulled out of service telling me I had a phone call.  This time I knew it was something bad.  Again the news followed "Hello."  "Tricia, This is Linda, Ken's nurse.  Its time.  You need to come up to the nursing home as soon as you can.  Ken is not doing well. He doesn't have long.  Drive careful."

God gave me some good phone calls to remember as well as the bad ones.  One of the happy phone calls came March 18, 1994.  I don't remember as many of the details as I do with the other phone call that came.  This phone call was to let me know my sister was in labor and I was going to be an Aunt.  It definantly ranks as one of the happiest moments in my life. The only moments that top it was becoming a mom and gettting married. I  now know how expectant dads feel when they get the"its time" phone call.

 Another happy call came in May of 2002.  The details are sketchy again but its a call that changed my life.  This call I almost didn't take.  I am so glad that I did.  This call from my future husband, the man that would help me cope and deal with the phone calls that were going to come.  It went something like this.
 "Hello is your Mom home." 
Bryan said "mom that guy is on the phone again, are you home?" 
"Hello" me
"Hi, Trish. This is Stuart" some small talk and then "when would you like to go out with me?"
What a great phone call.

The next few phone calls led to me making the decision for Bryan to go live with my parents and try to get him out of trouble.  The first was from Krys when I was at work.  I don't know the date but know it was early October 2002.  "Mom, Bryan is acting weird.  He is hitting me.  He is drunk or something."  The next one was after Bryan broke the agreement to stay clean and keep his friends out of my house when I was at work.  "I gotta follow through with what I said I would do.  I have to send him to my Mom's.  I don't know if its the right thing.  I gotta do something before I loose him completely."  Bryan got an airplane at 530 pm that day to go to Utah.  I thought it would be for few months, it turned out he never came back to AZ to live.

After Bryan turned 18 I recieved many calls that as a parent you don't want to get.  I don't think he missed any.  Maybe he wanted to give me the full experience of being a parent.  I don't know the dates of many of them.  I got "Mom I am in jail."  I got quite a few of those calls.  "Mom I am turning myself in I don't have money to pay my fines."  I got the "Bryan has been in an accident.  He is fine.  He has got some scraps and bruises.  He is lucky to be alive and that he doesn't have more injuries."  That phone call led to the phone call from him when he was in the ER.  "Mom they want to give me a tetnus shot."  Me "I know so get the shot."  Bry "Mom she's (the nurse) got a big needle.  I don't think I can." Me "Stop being a wimp just get the shot."  After a few back and forth comments I told him he had no choice and I told the nurse to just give it to him. 

Then came the call "Bryan was in fight.  He was jumped.  There was 5 or 6 of them on him.  They broke his jaw.  He has to have surgery to fix it."  All of these calls were leading up to the ultimate nightmare.

July 15, 2011 Las Vegas, Nevada.  Heather's dance compition awards presentation.  I recieved 3 calls with in 2 minutes of each other.  2 from my mom's phone , one from my sister's phone.  All the messages were Bryan has overdosed.  He is not breathing.  The next phone call I made to my mom's phone.  A police officer answered.  "your son overdosed.  The paramedics are here working on him.  they have been working on him for awhile...  I let your mom know you are getting a flight as soon as possible."  The next phone call I made was while I was in line to get on my plane to go to my son.  It took place shortly after 3:06.  The call was to let my mom know I got a flight and I would be there in a couple of hours.  My mom's bishop answered the phone.  me "hello. can you tell my mom I am on my way.?  I assume you are at the hospital....Davis North?  ....  I come to the ICU right?"  Bishop "Trish, I don't know how to tell you this?"  Me "so don't"  I then I hung up and called my husband "Bryan died."  I don't know which one was worse finding out or actually saying my son died.




It has been just over a year since I made the last phone calls that changed my life. My life will never be the same.  I won't lie and tell you I understand or accempt that this is all for the good.  I do know with each of the phone calls I recieved there was am unheard unseen participant.  Looking back I can see the hand of God and his presense was with me.  Everytime I got a phone call with bad news there was someone many times a total stranger that held me and prayed with me.  God comforted me but it was never as I would have imagined it.God has used so many of you to get me through the year after those phone calls.

I want to thank all of the total strangers, my friends and family for helping to this place.  It's been a rough journey.  My nonstop stories of Bryan, the unstoppable tears, the mood swings and the times I tried to wall myself from anyone and everyone.  The bad news is there will be more of all of that stuff but the good news it won't be as frequent. I am slowly learning how to cope. I will always miss Bryan. My home will never be complete, my heart will always have huge hole.  I don't think I will ever stop anticipating a phone call or text  on special occasions, when Bryan would or should be worried about family member.  I will always have tears on the verge of falling. My smile will never be as bright but I will smile and laugh.

On this journey over the last year I have learned so much. I am more compassionate.  I sympathize so much with addicts and their families. I have learned to cherish the little moments in each day with each person.   Life can change in a blink of an eye and not just because you may not have them

1 year

Bryan,

Its been a year since you died.  What a year it has been.  This has been the toughest year of my life.  They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  I don't know if I agree with that or not.  I don't feel very strong, if anything I feel weak and vulnerable.  There is so much to say. so many feelings I want to let you know about I just don't know if I am going to be able to write them all down and express them they way I want to.



This year I was the lowest I have ever been.  During the year I was probably certifiably crazy.  If I could have I think I would have chosen to die so many times.  I prayed God would just take me because the hole you left is just too big.  The ache is overwhelming.  The valleys are so high and the peaks weren't much higher. But thanks to friends and family that woulds let me give up and kept praying for me I made through the year.  Honestly there is not a moment that I don't think about you.  You have consumed my brain. 


I have felt more alone most of the time.  There are a lot of people around me.  There are a lot of them that say I can call when I get to that point.  I haven't called many.  I don't want to bother them.  Everyone has their problems and my problems don't need to be theirs.  Although I appreciate all of those people and love them, and wouldn't have made it through the year without their prayers and their phone calls at just the right moment.

At the beginning I thought you dying would make a path to a better relationship with my family but it hasn't.  It has probably made it worse.  We don't argue or fight anymore,  In fact we really don't even really talk much.  I talked to Grandma last night only because Grandpa went into the hospital.The last time I talked to Lori was when I went up Meg's graduation and even then we didn't really talk.  We were cordial but it didn't go much beyond that.  I know a lot of the reason is I pushed them away because of the guilt I feel.  I was blamed for you starting drugs, if it was my fault you started drugs then its my fault you died.  They also all think I gave up on you.  I took my problem and ran away.  Maybe I did in some aspects but that is not what I wanted to do.

I miss you so much!!  I miss you smart  remarks, you picking on your sister, your smile, your puppy dog eyes.  I miss you making me laugh when I was so mad at you I could shake you.  I miss your primping, and the phone calls when you say "mommmmmy,  I looooove you."  Only for me to ask what you what you want and you telling me "nothing just buttering you up for the next time I need you."  I miss your play by play in movies, and you calling me with the stats on football and basketball.  I miss your debating and your optimism.  I miss you ratting your sister out and your over bearing over protection of her.  I miss hearing the adventures of you and Dave.  I miss being the mediator between you and your girlfriend,  I miss you telling me you have yet another girlfriend I miss the sound of your voice and your smell.  I miss the phone calls telling me you were in trouble with Grandma and Grandpa.  The list goes on!!  I miss you getting so mad when I said Krys was my favorite and you lighting up like a Christmas tree when I said you were my favorite.

You missed a lot this year.  You missed Grandma Burt getting married, Steffanie and Megan graduating, Josh going into the service, Heather getting on her high school dance team, Kyle's first car.  Grandpa starting to teach college, all of my job changes,all of Krystal misadventures and there is so much more.

As I write this there are tears streaming down my face.  I know nothing unusual.  I have to say you made an impact on me and on so many others.  Some of your friends have cleaned up, and are off of drugs and making a better life for themselves.  You would be so proud of them and would have been encouraging them along their journey.  Your friends often are writing me or calling me to tell me they are thinking of you and to tell me of one of your adventures.  You made an impact on their lives as well.

Your life may not have been very long but you will always be remembered.  My little sunshine is still shining.

I love you the "mostest mostest mostest"


Love,
Mom

Bryan's Birthday

Saturday was Bryan's birthday.  I lived through it with some help from some very special people.  I have to admit I was pretty depressed and in a very foul mood for a week or two before his birthday.

After Bryan died there wasn't a day I didn't pray to God to take me too.  The whole in my heart was so enormous, I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only thing I knew that would take the pain away.  The last few months I haven't said that prayer very often.Yes there are still days when I do.  The weeks before his birthday I was saying that prayer on at least a daily basis.  Have you ever got so low you couldn't pray because the words just wont come?  I was in that spot.

Thank God for his timing!  I have to say I made it through his birthday because of my big sister that wouldn't let me give up and prayed for me constantly.  Thank you!!  The day was also made easier by all the people that remembered Bryan that day and sent me a text or posted something on his facebook or thought of me and posted something on mine.

However the turning point for me was when I recieved an instant message from one of Bryan's friends telling me she had gotten off of drugs, had been clean for a year and telling me her life has changed for the better.  I will cherish that forever.

I then got a comment on one of the previous posts that from another friend of Bryan's that she too has been drug free for almost a year and is changing her life as well.  I can't even tell you how wonderful that make me feel.  Bryan is having a positve influence on people. Something good is coming from my son's death.  Bryan's death was not in vain.  Better yet I know how happy he would be that he helped someone get clean.

About six months before he died he told me he wanted to get his life straight so he could go into teen counselling to help kids in trouble.  He said Mom I want to help these kids so they don't put their Moms through what I have put you through.  One person would make it all worth it!  Bryan got what he wanted.  He got 2 that he helped.

Thanks to the girls that took the time to email me.  You both are wonderful and a I am praying for you daily.  Keep up the hard work.

Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that also is helping soothe my soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

I am a Grandma

I have been in Utah since Wednesday. It has been an interesting visit and that is understating the last few days. As usual since last July i have had many mixed emothions. I came for my niece's graduation. A lot of people don't understand how you can have mixed emotions on such a happy occasion. I really can't explain it except to say I am truly happy for the occasion but miss Bryan so deeply and want him to share the experience with the me. Every special holiday opens up the wound and rubs salt in it. It just hurts!
I am so proud of Megan. She has become such a sweet, loving, compassionate young woman. During the festivities Bryan's presence was felt. He would have been so proud and he would have bragged to just about everyone he knew. Having Bryan's best friend my adopted son, Dave, at them made things a lot easier. Besides all of Megan's festivities.
I had the privledge of spending time with Dave's daughter.she is such a cutie. I am so proud she calls me Grandma Trish. I must admit it is kind of weird being called Grandma. I also found out Bryan has a little boy. I think he is about 6 and looks just like him. The problem is the mother of the little boy is denying its his to me. Even though she admitted to others it's his.i would love to beable to be a part of this little guy's life. It's a answer to a prayer that there would be a little part of him running around. However, i am asking for prayers that this little boy's mom will come around and let me watch him grow up and be a part of his life. It fills a little part of my broken heart, knowing there is a little Bryan running around causing havoc!
After finding out I am a grandma and spending time with my grand daughter Maddy, I want to shout it from the rough tops that I am a Grandma times 2!! I am a truly blessed girl! I thank God for answered prayer.
I have a few more days here I plan on spending time with Megan and some old friends. I will also continue torelish feeling Bryan's presence.

Maddy having a fun day with Grandma!

Price of drugs and miracles

There are so many thoughts rumbling through my head on what to write.  I have so many questions without answers and some of the questions the answers I come up with I don't like.

Its been more than 10 months since Bryan chose to take the heroin that took his life.  The last year as been rough to say the least.  At this time last year I was having frequent conversations with Bryan to please get into a drug rehab and that I would do what ever I could to pay for it.  His response to me was always the same "mom you don't have to worry.  I am not stupid I know what I am doing.i have everything under control."  This year has been a roller coaster. If I am honest with you and myself the roller coaster ride began long before that fateful day.  The roller coaster ride really began the first time Bryan chose to do his first hit, an/or his first drink.  I believe he was addicted after his very first time.  I can't prove it but that's my belief.  I have to continually tell myself it was his choice.  It may not have been his choice to die but he knew what the consequences could be from the first time he choose to do drugs.  I was the parent that always had the conversations that other parents didn't want to have.  I answered the questions and gave truthful answers.I was also the parent that many of my kids friends would come talk to because they knew I would be honest with them.  Bryan knew what drugs and alcohol could do to a person and how it could affect the lives of others around him.

The drugs he took robbed him, me and my family of many memories that will never come to pass.  I never got to see my son graduate from high school, get married, or have kids.  I will never be called Grandma by a little boy that looks and talks like him.   I will never know what he chose as his career or see him excited about a promotion. They robbed Bryan of things that he would have loved to be a part of, his Grandma's remarriage, seeing his cousins graduate, seeing his little sisters get married possibly even walking Krystal down the isle.  He will never get the chance to call me old again.  Instead of the happy memories that could have been, his family, friends and I get to remember the phone calls from jail, wondering where he was when no one could get a hold of him and yes we get the memory of how we found out he overdosed and was no longer with us.   Drugs stole his common sense He couldn't handle and didn't have it under control.  Not that I ever thought he did when it came to him doing drugs.

I often ask God what makes him decided who and what miracles he gives to people.  I know several people that have received miracles but not the miracles they wanted.  I got a miracle that my child is never going to have to fight the demon of drugs again but the miracle I wanted was my son off of drugs and he was a true success story.  He had a family and a career and helped people with their addictions.  I have a friend that got a miracle he son lived and is functional after jumping off a bridge. Only to have her son still addicted to those nasty drugs.  Now she wonders what changes the next phone call will have in store for her.  I don't think that is exactly the miracle she was looking for.  I have another friend that her grandson had a fence fall on him that left him with brain damage and now she gets to watch her grandson and daughter and son in law wonder what other changes tomorrow will bring.  I am pretty sure that is not the miracle they wanted. I am not saying that me or the others would change our miracles.  These miracles have taught us to rely on God, made us stronger and have made us who we are and are continually changing us into who God wants us to be. 

I am not mad at Bryan or at God.  I just have questions with no answers.  I guess someday when I get to the pearly gates I will have the answers but for now I will keep asking the questions.  I will keep telling Bryan's story so maybe one time when someone is making a decision to do drugs or not the answer will be to not do them.  Maybe he will think of Bry for just a half a second and decide to walk away.

Mother's Day

Its almost been 10 months.  I know you guys are all getting tired of hearing how long it's been but it's become a part of me.  This is Mother's day weekend.  I can say I am not excited and I want to just forget about celebrating being a Mom.  Yes I know I have 3 other children, I love them but I was his mom first.  I hate celebrating being a mom without him.  It doesn't make sense but I gave up on making sense.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I am working this weekend which I was hoping would be a good thing however I have a feeling I will be with the Mommies and babies at work helping them celebrate the love that has been created by just being a Mom 

There is a lot going on in the next few weeks and months.Mother's Day of course, I have to face to first 2 life events in the family since Bryan died. I am going to Utah and for the first time in 10 years he won't be there to hang out with. Bryan's birthday is in June as well as Father's Day. I know what youre thinking why is Father's Day a big deal.  He used to wish me a Happy Father's Day saying I was the best mom and dad he could have! Then the 1 year mark in July. Not a day I am looking forward to except to say I survived a year when I didn't think I would.

This month both Stefanie and Meg graduate.  The first of many life events that will happen without Bryan.  I am so happy and happy for my nieces.  Its so hard because I want him there to tell them how proud he is of them.  He loved both of them so much.  He thought of both them more as sisters.  He would have protected and beat up any boy that ever hurt them.  I want to hear him give them a hard time and tell them how smart they think they are and how no boy will ever be good enough for them.  Stef and Meg, Bryan would be so proud and loved you both so much.  He would tell you both to go after your dreams and don't look back.  Don't stop till you have reached the stars!

Since it is Mother's Day I decided to end this post on a happy not and with a happy memory or Bryan me and Krystal

When we were living in Peoria, money was tight but the kids had asked if we could go out to lunch for Mother's Day.  I said we could but we would have to go somewhere inexpensive and get the cheapest thing on the menu.  We chose applebys.  While we were waiting to be seated Bryan went to get something from the car. When Bryan was out the door, a gentleman that was leaving asked to talk to Bryan.  He asked Bryan if I was a single Mom.  Bry said "yes my dad died when I was small."  The guy gave him money and told him to treat me to a good Mother's Day lunch and to get me some flowers.

Bryan came back and said we can order whatever we want and get dessert.  He then asked if I would take him to Walmart after lunch. I said we can't get whatever we want I don't have enough money for a big dinner.  He told me about the gentleman that gave him money.  He wouldn't tell me how much he gave him.  I took him to walmart and he and Krystal bought flowers and a present for me. Bryan later told me he spent all but $2 for dinner and the presents.  He then gave me the change.  If you knew Bryan he never gave me back the change!  One of the best Mother's Days ever!

8 month mark

Yes it has already been eight months, again this has been the longest and shortest 8 months of my life.  Everything is such an emotional roller coaster.  The highs are still very high and the lows are still very low.  Anything, anyone or anyplace can trigger the tidal wave.  I often wonder if it is always going to be this way, I have to say I think the answer is yes.  I hope it will get so there is not such vast dips and highs but for now this is life and I am learning to deal with it.There are still many sleepless nights and I almost constantly have a headache.

One of things I hate the most is when I get jealous of when one my friends' kids have lifetime events, like getting married, having babies, graduating from college, going into the military.  I don't know how I can be so happy for my friends and so jealous of them at the same time.

These events always make me ask myself and God the questions that have no answers, well at least not in this lifetime.  Lately I ask why a lot.  Why him? Why me? Why couldn't I get miracle here on earth?  Why did God take him to end his addiction? Why does he have to be the example of what not to do?  My answer that has come to me in the last few weeks is the same. Why not?  and  Why do you think you should have been spared?  God never said we would not have trials and hard times.  In fact he said just the opposite. That is tough one to swallow.  The other answer that comes is you are not the only one that has lost a son.  There went my pity party pretty quick.  

The grief process sucks.  There is nothing easy about it.  However, I am making progress.  Most people won't remember Bryan for all the things I want them to remember him for but when one of his cousins, friends, brother or sister thinks about doing drugs, they may stop and remember how it ended for Bryan and walk away from them.  Its not the legacy I want for Bryan but its a legacy and he will be remembered for a very long time by a lot of people.  And in the end I think at least one person will not fall into the same trap or at least ask and get the help they need to get out of the trap.

I miss him and always will.  I will always jump when the phone rings, I will always have a half a second when I think it might be him.  I will also always know deep down because of him someone made the right choice.

For good

The last few night I have been missing Bryan.  The dreams of the last few times I saw him or talked to him, along with big waves of emotions have come back.  Not that they went away completely, the just weren't a prominent part of every moment and every place I go.

I went to Wicked with my girls on Sunday.  It was a fabulous play.  I had never seen it before.  I think it has moved up to my favorite.  As I was sitting in the audience before it started and during intermission I keep thinking of the first and only time I took Bryan to a Broadway Production.  I took him to Lion King in Salt Lake. I bought tickets for Krys, Bryan and me. not knowing if bryan would want to go or not and thinking I would probably end up taking my niece or sister if he bailed.  When I told him about the tickets his eyes lit up and he was almost insulted when I told him he didn't have to go, I could invite someone else to go with me.  I couldn't get tickets all together there was 2 seats together and one seat a few rows in front.  Bryan volunteered to sit by himself.  The guy next to us offered his seat to Bryan.  Bryan was so happy he could sit by me.  It was always the little things that would make his day.  Watching Bryan and Krystal watch the show was such a great Mom moment.  I loved both the both of the kids reactions and how they were both so mesmerized by the acting and music.  I remember how he posted on facebook "a thug like me is going to the other side and going to be with the high society."  I held it together though until towards the end when they sang "For Good".  Then tears came to my eyes because they were singing it to me.  I know because of Bryan I am a better mom, and I was changed for good because I knew him, because I was blessed to be his Mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

Last night was pretty rough as well.  Every time I fell asleep I would dream of him, they were the same dreams I have been having since July 15 but they wouldn't stop and I kept waking up shortly after I fell asleep.  I went upstairs and got the blanket I got for him for his last Christmas.  There is really nothing special about it but that it is really soft and it was his. I wrapped it around me and went to bed.  It was almost like he was wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug, almost like sleeping with him when he was little and he was sick but this time it was me that need him not the other way around. I don't know what it is about a blanky that can make things better but the big brown blanket made me feel loved by my boy.  It also makes me miss him so much.  How I wish I could turn the hands of the clock back to the time when he slept with me when he was sick, how there was no place that could make him feel better than being in my bed with my arms around him.

Things to do for a grieving mom

I saw a blog the other day on what to do for a new mom that inspired me to write a blog on what to do for a grieving Mom. I have talked with a few other mom who have lost a child and some of the feelings and thought are the same as mine.  I am not an expert but I know what helps me get through those tough moments.


 
1. You don't have to know what to say a simple "I am sorry" will work.
2.  Listen to her.  Let her tell the same story or her experience over and over again.  She doesn't get to make new memories and she is processing everything by telling you her experience.
3. Cry with her
4. Don't wait for to ask or call you for help or support. Drop by her house with a treat or lunch for her  and offer her support
5. Come over to help her do her everyday chores (laundry, dishes, vacuuming,)
6. Text, call or leave her messages to let her know you are thinking about her.  She feels alone and overwhelmed.
7. Bring her meals in disposable dishes so she doesn't have to worry about getting them back to you.  If you bring paper plates and disposable silver she won't have to worry about the dishes for one night.
8. Offer to go do errands with her.  Gets her out of the house and gives her support if she gets overwhelmed and looses it.
9. Give her a reason to get out of bed.
10. Help her remember the little things.
11. Continue to shower her love long after her loss.
12.  Try to remember on her hard days (holidays, anniversary dates, birthdays hers and her child's,  Mother's day etc.
13 Give her a gift card for take out for the days she just too overwhelmed to think of dinner.
14. Tell her she is a wonderful mom.
15. Give her a memory box for her small tokens, flowers from the funeral, cards, programs.
16 Give her a present that she can keep and that will remind her of her child (an ornament, nick    knack, a picture.
17 If she has older kids offer her a day that you take them and pick them up from their activities.
18. Give her a bouquet of flowers for no reason
19. Share your memories of her child with her.
20. Tell her she has not gone crazy when she can't remember anything.
21. Make her a play list of  encouraging songs or Mom songs
22. Tell her its OK for to have a good time with her child
23 Don't tell her child is with a loved one in Heaven.  She wants her child with her.
24. Don't take anything personal when she is grieving
25 Don't tell her how strong she is or God wouldn't give this trial.  She doesn't feel strong and she doesn't need any other reason to blame herself for her child dying.
26. Laugh with her even if it seems an inappropriate time for laughing
27 Don't judge her when she laughs or cries at inappropriate times.
28. Be willing to leave when she suddenly looses it while you are out with her
29. Understand the emotional wave can hit at anytime
30. Send her a random card
31. Help her write the thank you notes from the funeral.
32. Don't expect her to "get back to normal"
33.  Remind her she is not alone.
34.  Don't become uncomfortable when when talks about her child
35.  Give her scriptures and encouraging quotes, and poems

Still....

Still...

miss miss him.
expect a phone call.
want a different ending
need to hear "Mom I love you"
want to hear "Mom I need money."
want to call him to tell him to come down for a visit
want to hear "I'm aw ight"
crying
my heart is breaking
want him to remembered in a good way
want him to tell me everything will be ok
want to smell my boy
see his face
see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles
want him to hug me
want to hear about his adventures
want to hear about his girlfriends
need closure
get insomnia thinking of him
don't want to get out of bed
break down at the mention of his name'
want to tell him to pull up his pants
want to hear about the girls in his life
want him to tell me what a pain his sister is
want him to play pranks on us
wish I had him here
want him back
want the pain to take a breather
want to be a normal mom again
do want to answer all the questions
want answers
want my baby boy back

don't understand

6 months

This is the third time I have started this post.  There is so much I want to say but as I am writing the words are not capturing my feeling or making enough sense for people to read.  I don't know if it will all make sense to you but I guess it really only needs to make sense to me. I cant believe on Sunday the 6 month anniversary of Bryan's death will be here.It has been the hardest, slowest, fastest and most emotional six months of my life. The last six months have been life changing to say the least.

One of the hardest thing for me is I want Bryan to be remembered.  Not just by me and not only while I am on this earth but afterwards.  I know in reality other people remember Bryan but I think a lot of people remember him for his mistakes, mishaps and for other wrong reasons.  I want people to remember him for being such funny kid that could make just about anyone smile, not for being so much fun to party with.  I want him to be remembered for being such a kind, cool cousin not for being an example of what not to do.  I want people stories like when his 2 year old cousin wanted him to read him a story and he didn't want to.  He finally told his cousin to get a book and sit on the couch.  He took a whole 30 seconds with her by starting with "Once upon a time..." he then proceeded with "blah blah blah blah."as he turned the pages of the story.  At the end of the book he said "the end" she said "tanks Bry."  She was happy and so was everyone else because he had taken time with her but made us all smile at the "blah blah blah blahs."

I want Bryan to be remembered as loving and respecting his Mom and Grandmas. Protecting his sister from people that made fun of her.  I want him to be remembered as being a loyal friend.  I want his heart to be remembered not just his mistakes.  I want his smile and the spark in his eyes, to be remembered.  His smart remarks and his laughter to be remember.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days weeks and months it been since Bryan died.  I think the answer to that is no.  I counted them after he was born. I knew how old he was, what time and day he was born as many moms do.  But I am more precise with the time after his death.  Its hard to explain. Maybe because its only been six months that I know the date and how many weeks days months and hours its been.  Maybe the preciseness will stop after awhile.  I don't know maybe it is my way of holding on to him. I am not sure of that answer and only time will tell.

I also wonder if time really mends the pain or if the constant thinking of him every hour of every day just dulls the pain.  I guess it doesn't matter what happens healing or dulling.  Thinking of him doesn't make me cry all the time now.  I can get through a couple of weeks now without having a total breakdown.

In reality I know he will be not be remember forever, but I guess not many people are remembered forever.  His sisters and brother will have kids and Bryan's name will be mentioned.  Then slowly he won't be mentioned much and then not at all.  He didn't have kids so there won't be legacy of people that will mention his name just because its Great Grandpa Bryan that was crazy.  I guess that's ok too.  I will always remember him. I will always donate and do things in memory of Bryan. Someday I won't have to just remember him. I will get to see him in heaven.  That seems like a very long time to wait though and a very long time that Bryan will b just a memory and a long time that new memories are not made. 

The new year

As the 2012 starts, I know it will be filled with bittersweet memories.  I will make many new good memories and there will be many memories from the past.  this year will also be a year of  getting through a whole year with Bryan. The new year started about a week ago.  the thought of a year with out Bryan is almost overwhelming.  I have the awful month of Febuary, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and then the holidays to look forward too.With each day, week, month, and holiday that passes, it is one more I make it with out Bryan and one more day of memories that I make with my friends, family and loved ones.  In my brain, I know Bryan is in a better place and he has gone to his permanent homebut thatt knowledge hasn't reached my  heart yet.  The brain and heart is going to take a lot of time before they are on the same page

This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok".  She then said, it seems you are doing great.  It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well.  With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time."  I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor."  If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree.  I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had.  I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of  Bryan.  My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.

As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing?  Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him.  And if he is 26 that too is wierd.  And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again.   I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are?  This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.

As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it.  Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown.  However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile.  2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)