Missing you

I miss you, Bryan.  I miss your laugh, your silly joke, the I am in trouble phone call,the girlfriend sagas but mostly I just miss you. It's been 438 day since you went away, not that I am counting or anything. Everyday seems like a thousand. I don't cry as much anymore, my mind is mostly back and I don't think I am certifiably crazy anymore, although your brother and sisters might not agree.  I smile a little more although the smiles don't quite make it to my eyes.  I don't feel as guilty laughing and enjoying stuff that you would enjoy..  I know you would want me to enjoy life, and I am trying but there is such a major void a part of me that's not there anymore.

There are so many things that remind me of you, recessess peanut better cups, pumpkin pie, funny boxers, McDonalds, your blanket.  There is so many things I have the thought I am going to ca...but then I remember I can't call you.  You're favorite time of year is upon us again. Halloween through Christmas.  The way to YOUR heart truly was through food.  I could make smile just by telling you I made a pie, or buying you a candy bar. I miss fighting over pumpkin pie.  

There are so many things I want your opinion on.  You are so interwoven in my life even though you're not here.  So many things make me think of you.  Thanks for being my son and teaching me so many lessons of life.

I really didn't mean for this to be sad and depressing.  I just wanted to talk with you to feel you by my side again.  Yep you guessed it I want to hear "mommy I love you!"

Until we meet again.

I love you Bub. Don't do anything that will get you in to too much trouble.  Hope your having a good time!

Phone calls

Have you ever recieved one of those phone calls.  You know, the kind that change your life by just answering the phone or listening to a message. The kind that you remember every detail, date, time and exactly where you were and what you were doing when you recieve the call.  I have recieved many of those phone calls, some of the calls added happiness and joy to my life but most of them did not. The kind of phone call I got  are the kind  in all of our worst nightmares.  The ones that you pray you will never receieve or wonder how you would react if you got one..

 I recived the first of  many life changing phone calls on Feburary 24, 1989.  I was living my dream life.  I had a 2 year old little boy and pregnant with my girl.  I had the perfect life, I was a stay at home mom/wife. All of that changed with one word "Hello."  The next words would begin a whirlwind of change in my life.   "Mrs. Burt, This is  the First Sergent  Ken is at the dispensary.  You probably need to get there as soon as you can."  The call was the first in a series of events that led me to find out my husband had brain cancer and was expected to live 9 months to a year.

The next phone call was about a year later, Febuary 4,1990.  This time I was at church.  I was pulled out of service telling me I had a phone call.  This time I knew it was something bad.  Again the news followed "Hello."  "Tricia, This is Linda, Ken's nurse.  Its time.  You need to come up to the nursing home as soon as you can.  Ken is not doing well. He doesn't have long.  Drive careful."

God gave me some good phone calls to remember as well as the bad ones.  One of the happy phone calls came March 18, 1994.  I don't remember as many of the details as I do with the other phone call that came.  This phone call was to let me know my sister was in labor and I was going to be an Aunt.  It definantly ranks as one of the happiest moments in my life. The only moments that top it was becoming a mom and gettting married. I  now know how expectant dads feel when they get the"its time" phone call.

 Another happy call came in May of 2002.  The details are sketchy again but its a call that changed my life.  This call I almost didn't take.  I am so glad that I did.  This call from my future husband, the man that would help me cope and deal with the phone calls that were going to come.  It went something like this.
 "Hello is your Mom home." 
Bryan said "mom that guy is on the phone again, are you home?" 
"Hello" me
"Hi, Trish. This is Stuart" some small talk and then "when would you like to go out with me?"
What a great phone call.

The next few phone calls led to me making the decision for Bryan to go live with my parents and try to get him out of trouble.  The first was from Krys when I was at work.  I don't know the date but know it was early October 2002.  "Mom, Bryan is acting weird.  He is hitting me.  He is drunk or something."  The next one was after Bryan broke the agreement to stay clean and keep his friends out of my house when I was at work.  "I gotta follow through with what I said I would do.  I have to send him to my Mom's.  I don't know if its the right thing.  I gotta do something before I loose him completely."  Bryan got an airplane at 530 pm that day to go to Utah.  I thought it would be for few months, it turned out he never came back to AZ to live.

After Bryan turned 18 I recieved many calls that as a parent you don't want to get.  I don't think he missed any.  Maybe he wanted to give me the full experience of being a parent.  I don't know the dates of many of them.  I got "Mom I am in jail."  I got quite a few of those calls.  "Mom I am turning myself in I don't have money to pay my fines."  I got the "Bryan has been in an accident.  He is fine.  He has got some scraps and bruises.  He is lucky to be alive and that he doesn't have more injuries."  That phone call led to the phone call from him when he was in the ER.  "Mom they want to give me a tetnus shot."  Me "I know so get the shot."  Bry "Mom she's (the nurse) got a big needle.  I don't think I can." Me "Stop being a wimp just get the shot."  After a few back and forth comments I told him he had no choice and I told the nurse to just give it to him. 

Then came the call "Bryan was in fight.  He was jumped.  There was 5 or 6 of them on him.  They broke his jaw.  He has to have surgery to fix it."  All of these calls were leading up to the ultimate nightmare.

July 15, 2011 Las Vegas, Nevada.  Heather's dance compition awards presentation.  I recieved 3 calls with in 2 minutes of each other.  2 from my mom's phone , one from my sister's phone.  All the messages were Bryan has overdosed.  He is not breathing.  The next phone call I made to my mom's phone.  A police officer answered.  "your son overdosed.  The paramedics are here working on him.  they have been working on him for awhile...  I let your mom know you are getting a flight as soon as possible."  The next phone call I made was while I was in line to get on my plane to go to my son.  It took place shortly after 3:06.  The call was to let my mom know I got a flight and I would be there in a couple of hours.  My mom's bishop answered the phone.  me "hello. can you tell my mom I am on my way.?  I assume you are at the hospital....Davis North?  ....  I come to the ICU right?"  Bishop "Trish, I don't know how to tell you this?"  Me "so don't"  I then I hung up and called my husband "Bryan died."  I don't know which one was worse finding out or actually saying my son died.




It has been just over a year since I made the last phone calls that changed my life. My life will never be the same.  I won't lie and tell you I understand or accempt that this is all for the good.  I do know with each of the phone calls I recieved there was am unheard unseen participant.  Looking back I can see the hand of God and his presense was with me.  Everytime I got a phone call with bad news there was someone many times a total stranger that held me and prayed with me.  God comforted me but it was never as I would have imagined it.God has used so many of you to get me through the year after those phone calls.

I want to thank all of the total strangers, my friends and family for helping to this place.  It's been a rough journey.  My nonstop stories of Bryan, the unstoppable tears, the mood swings and the times I tried to wall myself from anyone and everyone.  The bad news is there will be more of all of that stuff but the good news it won't be as frequent. I am slowly learning how to cope. I will always miss Bryan. My home will never be complete, my heart will always have huge hole.  I don't think I will ever stop anticipating a phone call or text  on special occasions, when Bryan would or should be worried about family member.  I will always have tears on the verge of falling. My smile will never be as bright but I will smile and laugh.

On this journey over the last year I have learned so much. I am more compassionate.  I sympathize so much with addicts and their families. I have learned to cherish the little moments in each day with each person.   Life can change in a blink of an eye and not just because you may not have them