The emotional train hit when I wasn't looking. There is so much I want back. I want to be normal, I want this hole in my soul to go away, not get bigger. I really never knew how much your kids are apart of you. I knew they were my world but until I lost bray I didn't really knew exactly what that meant. People say time heals all wounds. It doesn't. It just changes the wound and creates scat tissue that hurts more when it's ripped open.
I know it's been two years and I shouldn't feel this bad and I should accept he's gone. I can't. I try to paste on a smile and go on with my life. It doesn't work. I have heard all of the cliches. I know people are tried of hearing about Bryan or they don't want to bring his name up for whatever reason. I want/need to talk about him and hear stories of him. He is apart of me and by talking about keeps that part of me alive.
Yes this is an extremely bad day and I am venting. I know this too shall pass but right now I feel like the line in Steel Magnoilias when Sally Feild say something to the effect of I just want to hit someone until they are in as much pain as I am. I miss my baby boy. I miss his laugh and him making a bad day good with a stupid joke. I miss him making me laugh when I am so mad I could strangle him. I miss his phone calls.
I started on the roller coaster I wanted to avoid. The train hit. The roller coaster won't stop until after February. Then I will be on a different roller coaster. When you read this or you think of me do something kind for someone, make someone's day, be the blessing that someone needs. That's exactly what I am going to do as soon as I pull myself together enough that I can leave the house.
" I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
