You're presence is always missed

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I felt the void of having you here all week. The memories flooded my mind. never know when those moments will come. As I was making the pumpkin cheesecake I thought how you would have thrown a fit because it broke tradition and you would want just a pumpkin pie.  I missed you stealing the food as I prepared it and listening to Christmas music. I missed hearing your laugh and your humor and sarcasm dinner. Today I went Black Friday shopping, i wondered over to the men's department to look at the funky underwear. You always protested them but loved wearing them. You made sure we knew when you had your Christmas underwear. Most of the time you mooned all of us so we got to look at them. Bryan I miss you.  What I wouldn't give to fight over the last piece of pumpkin pie, hear you argue with your sister, laugh at your own joke or feel your arms around me in a hug. I would love to snuggle on the couch with you and Krystal to watch the parade. To hear you complain that the parade was stupid. Love you, Bub.  I miss you so much.

4 years

It's the 4 year anniversary of your death. Finally I can say I am okay and doing okay with my new normal. It's not to say it doesn't suck or that there are still some days it's hard to get out of bed. I can smile without feeling bad I can laugh without feeling guilty.  I can be around recovering addicts without thinking why didn't Bryan get that chance.   Life goes on.  I have given myself permission to be happy.

It's not been easy  it's bee a roller coaster ride.  There has been many times I wanted off and thought about ways to get off the roller coaster.  No One should ever have to go through that much pain and heartache. I know there is beauty in the ashes.  And good that comes from everything. I want to see the good eventually. I haven't found it but it's there somewhere.

There is so many things I wish I could talk to you about. All of the things that happen in life.  Krystal's new boyfriend, no I don't like him yet.  And yes he feels the same about me.  Lori's new house. Krys's new job, Heather being a senior.  Kyle going to college.  Me possibly looking for a job. Stuart's struggles with showing Krys how much he cares.  My struggles with Grandma and Grandpa.  Meg's struggles having her Mom date again. I always loved to talking with you. You always made me smile and laugh. 

Bub, I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.  You will always be my ray of sunshine.  What I wouldn't give to hear "watsup" or "Mommy' I love you."  I will always wonder what you would be doing or where you would be? Would you be clean? Raising a family?  I will never have those answers so for now you will be in my heart and I will be be content with life moving on. 

http://youtu.be/JIVaUcE4kAM

The wave of sadness

I never had a true panic attack, this is the closest I have ever come.  It's really not a panic attack, it's the wave of grief, sadness and despair. From what I have heard from patients and people I know that have panic attacks it feels similar. I had this feeling the moment I lost Bry   I have had several since then. Some last just a few minutes but the can last for days.  I don't get them as often as I did at the beginning.

I feel it coming.  The feeling is so strong I can see it. It's the the black a big black wave.  I want to avoid it hitting me ,maybe I can keep busy enough or run in the other direction, my feet won't move. It feels like something is holding on to my ankle and I can't run away.maybe distract myself with the people all around me.so many people but no one sees the desperation.  No one hears my silent screams.  Can't they see it coming. Can't they feel it. They are all acting so normal.  Maybe they see but they don't want to acknowledge either. Maybe they trying to act like it's not there like I am.  No, I don't think so. I think they know what's happening.   They see it they just think I can do it by myself. I always make it. They are not worried what if this time I can't.  What if this Time I don't make it out? What happens if it really does suck me to the pits of Hell and I don't come back.  Oh God please help me. There is so many people but no one is helping me. They are leaving me to deal with it alone.

There is no hiding it's coming.  It's coming so fast. I see it coming in slow motion. It's forming a circle around me. I know when it hits, it's going to hurt.  Every part of my body will feel it.  It's getting so dark. It's so thick.  It keeps getting closer. I can't get away. My feet are heavy and won't move.It's engulfing me.  Coming in every direction.  Please someone help me.  Make it go away.  At the very least someone make it stop before if swallows me.  Please help me!  Please God please.   No one is helping me.  It's coming from all directions. My heart is beating so fast, pounding so fast. I am screaming no one hears.  My chest is so heavy.  I am fighting it trying to hit it, push it, punch it.  My feet won't move. I can't fight it it's too big and it's everywhere it's in back and in front of me it's on both sides.  It's coming from above me and below me. I am still screaming but now there's no sound coming out.  I am crying. I am so scared.  I can't breath.  Please God let me die.  This hurts too much.  I can't take it.  Help me please!  Anyone please, please help me!  It's pitch black.  There's a dense fog all around me.  It's so dense I feel it. So thick I couldn't cut it if I have a knife.  I am crouched down in the fetal position.. Just beyond the fog is a wall, it feels like steel.  I can't get out.  I am crying and screaming for help, no one hears.  Every bone in my body feels broken.  My chest feels like it's going explode with pain.   I want it to stop.  Please please help me.  Someone get me out.  Please God.  I can make it stop.  There is only one way out.  The pain will go away I will be able to move again.  No! Stop! You can't think that way

The moment I think I will suffocate and my chest will explode.  The moment I think there is only one way out I start to think of a plan.   It starts to subside.  The fog gets less dense I can wiggle my feet, my heart is pounding less hard.  I can start to exhale.  The walls are starting to lift. A little less pressure in my chest. I can inhale but not a complete breath yet.  As everything lifts slowly.  All of my body functions return to normal. The pain subsides and all that's left is the ache in my chest.  This is a constant reminder of you, how I will never be whole again, how much I miss you, how I long to talk to you, and hear you laugh.