It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents. I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on. I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone.
Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year. When I was a kid I was the first one up. I was always so excited. Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else. I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were. The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true. Christmas time was always a magically time for rme. Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.
This year is different. The magic is just not here. Bryan took the magic to heaven with him. There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son. I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it. Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way. I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone. Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too. Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart. I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.
Nothing is like it used to be. I hope the magic returns soon. Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love. I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun. I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either. I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same.
In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas. Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband. I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes. I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts. With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy. She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to.
The pain seems neverending and all engulfing. I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain. There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future. For now I want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Early Christmas presents
As most of you know by now especially if you are friends with me on facebook, that Bryan was an extra on the Disney Channel's Good Luck Charlie's Christmas episode. The episode aired for the first time Friday night. As the day was nearing I became very apprehensive. I really didn't want to start a spiral downward. I have been coping pretty well for the last couple of weeks. I didn't know if seeing Bryan in the show would be one of my emotional triggers. At the same time there is no way I was going to miss it. This episode was filmed about six weeks before Bryan died.
I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him. It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet. I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show. Then I saw him. It was very fast the first time. It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies. Then I saw him a couple more times. I haven't been that excited in a long time.
Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do. I think I am still on a happy high. What an incredible Christmas gift I was given. I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun! He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love. The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you." Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again. I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me) Which in itself is another gift!!
Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations. I do not know how it got there. I haven't seen it in years. I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa. Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan. Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time. I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.
I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him. It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet. I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show. Then I saw him. It was very fast the first time. It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies. Then I saw him a couple more times. I haven't been that excited in a long time.
Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do. I think I am still on a happy high. What an incredible Christmas gift I was given. I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun! He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love. The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you." Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again. I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me) Which in itself is another gift!!
Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations. I do not know how it got there. I haven't seen it in years. I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa. Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan. Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time. I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanksgiving
Wow! Its almost here. So much to be thankful for but so many wishes and sadness at the same time. Its been about 3 weeks since I posted on this blog. It seems like forever. I can't tell you how much I miss my smiling wonderful boy.
Bryan,
My dear sweet boy. It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left. I don't understand the choices you made. I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15. There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain. Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction. I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life. I am not going to dwell on that in this letter. Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.
I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years. In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for. The years weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them. You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them. If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel.
I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did. I keep those memories alive and most of them still make me smile. There have been a few things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile. There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.
You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life. It wasn't exactly easy raising you. There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you. You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it. You even threw chairs at your teacher. When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was. I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.
You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me. I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it. Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!" When I heard that I knew you were up to something.
Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life. In a way I grew up with you. I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys. You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation. No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together." You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."
So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win). I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel. That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad. I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.
Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours. I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again. I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one. I really want you to meet this one." There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Especially now that Christmas boxers are out. I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.
Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile. I am glad I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you. I love you so much it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy. You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.
Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry. I need my sunshine.
I love you this much and more.
Mom
Bryan,
My dear sweet boy. It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left. I don't understand the choices you made. I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15. There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain. Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction. I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life. I am not going to dwell on that in this letter. Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.
I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years. In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for. The years weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them. You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them. If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel.
I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did. I keep those memories alive and most of them still make me smile. There have been a few things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile. There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.
You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life. It wasn't exactly easy raising you. There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you. You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it. You even threw chairs at your teacher. When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was. I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.
You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me. I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it. Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!" When I heard that I knew you were up to something.
Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life. In a way I grew up with you. I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys. You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation. No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together." You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."
So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win). I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel. That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad. I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.
Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours. I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again. I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one. I really want you to meet this one." There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Especially now that Christmas boxers are out. I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.
Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile. I am glad I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you. I love you so much it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy. You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.
Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry. I need my sunshine.
I love you this much and more.
Mom
Monday, October 31, 2011
It has started
Today is Halloween, one of Bryan's favorite holidays. He loved to get dressed up, go trick or treating and just get candy. I am pretty sure he went trick or treating every year he could. He probably even went last year at 24 years old. I would tell he "you're too old to go trick or treating, you need to let the little kids get the candy." His response was "you're never too old for candy, and I am a little kid at heart, Mommy." What can you say to that.
Today starts my holiday season. As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping. This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions. This year is so different. Like each day of the last 3 months has been different. I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel. I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them. I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior. He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months.
In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away. The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.
My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger. In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions. I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him. He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need. he doesn't understand everything and neither do I. I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity. He is still here!!
My other three kids have been amazing as well. Krystal tries so hard to be strong. I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know. I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her. Kyle is my goofy kid. He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so. Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold. She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok. As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now. I am not able to support them emotionally. I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.
I am always amazed at how my blog turns out. Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing. It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would. It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined. I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.
So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past. There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings. I just have to look harder for them this year. The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible.
Today starts my holiday season. As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping. This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions. This year is so different. Like each day of the last 3 months has been different. I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel. I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them. I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior. He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months.
In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away. The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.
My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger. In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions. I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him. He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need. he doesn't understand everything and neither do I. I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity. He is still here!!
My other three kids have been amazing as well. Krystal tries so hard to be strong. I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know. I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her. Kyle is my goofy kid. He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so. Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold. She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok. As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now. I am not able to support them emotionally. I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.
I am always amazed at how my blog turns out. Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing. It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would. It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined. I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.
So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past. There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings. I just have to look harder for them this year. The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Extreme emotions
I already typed this and spent a lot of time on it, however, when I hit publish, it disappeared into the never, never land of cyber space. I am going to try to remember everything that was in my blog but with my memory lately I am sure everything will not be like it was before. Which in the last three months, I have learned change can be good, bad or both.
It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.
The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.
The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?" The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis. We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur. This process is so painful
The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.
I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed. I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.
I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development. I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for. What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like. I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.
Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?
Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me. The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.
Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.
I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,
I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.
Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.
Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.
It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.
The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.
The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?" The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis. We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur. This process is so painful
The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.
I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed. I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.
I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development. I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for. What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like. I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.
Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?
Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me. The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.
Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.
I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,
I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.
Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.
Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Grief letter
Dear Friends and Family,
The last two months, since the loss of Bryan, has been the most difficult time of my life. It has been more difficult than I could have imagined. I miss Bryan more every day. This process is going to take me a long time to get through, sometimes it feels like it is going to last forever.
Thank you for being there and supporting me during this time. I ask that you continue to support me through this process. There will be unexpected tears, times of me being psycho, I willl be angry for no reason and I am sure I will make you uncomfortable with my tears, rage and my repeating the same memories of him. I am processing the loss. I don't apolagize for these behaviors it is normal and me going through the process. I don't need to fix me . I just need you to listen and be there for me. I need your love, understanding and patience. You don't have to have the answers to the questions I am asking, and you don't have to know what to say to me. The things that help the most are a caring glance, a hug or listening to me, and its ok to cry with me.
When I start to withdrawl, please dont let me for too long. Reach out to me, dont let me lock myself up inside. Call me, get me out of my house, a morning walk, lunch a movie, a workout anything. Its not good for me to be alone all the time. Don't wait for me to call you since most of the time too tired or tearful and I don't want to impose on you and your family. Please don't ask me to make any decissions my brain is mush and I can't think. Help me think through my decissions so I don't make any rash decissions. I am doing a lot of that lately.
Continue to pray for me and my family. Pray that we will accept Bryan's death, and I will continue to feel God's love and comfort. Pray that we will all find something good that comes from all of this. It does help to know you are praying for me.
The loss of Bryan is painful and is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. But I will survive and eventually be stronger than I was before. I know that I will always feel this way. I know there will be joy in the morning.
Thank you for caring about me. Thanks for listening to me and praying for me. Your caring and concern comforts me and is a true gift from God. He has given me a great support system.
Love you always,
Trish
The last two months, since the loss of Bryan, has been the most difficult time of my life. It has been more difficult than I could have imagined. I miss Bryan more every day. This process is going to take me a long time to get through, sometimes it feels like it is going to last forever.
Thank you for being there and supporting me during this time. I ask that you continue to support me through this process. There will be unexpected tears, times of me being psycho, I willl be angry for no reason and I am sure I will make you uncomfortable with my tears, rage and my repeating the same memories of him. I am processing the loss. I don't apolagize for these behaviors it is normal and me going through the process. I don't need to fix me . I just need you to listen and be there for me. I need your love, understanding and patience. You don't have to have the answers to the questions I am asking, and you don't have to know what to say to me. The things that help the most are a caring glance, a hug or listening to me, and its ok to cry with me.
When I start to withdrawl, please dont let me for too long. Reach out to me, dont let me lock myself up inside. Call me, get me out of my house, a morning walk, lunch a movie, a workout anything. Its not good for me to be alone all the time. Don't wait for me to call you since most of the time too tired or tearful and I don't want to impose on you and your family. Please don't ask me to make any decissions my brain is mush and I can't think. Help me think through my decissions so I don't make any rash decissions. I am doing a lot of that lately.
Continue to pray for me and my family. Pray that we will accept Bryan's death, and I will continue to feel God's love and comfort. Pray that we will all find something good that comes from all of this. It does help to know you are praying for me.
The loss of Bryan is painful and is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. But I will survive and eventually be stronger than I was before. I know that I will always feel this way. I know there will be joy in the morning.
Thank you for caring about me. Thanks for listening to me and praying for me. Your caring and concern comforts me and is a true gift from God. He has given me a great support system.
Love you always,
Trish
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
2 monthes
On Thursday will be the 2 month anniversary of Bryan's death. Unlike most anniversaries, I don't look forward to these. I will have them for the rest of my life. People still ask "how I am?" the honest answer is I don't know. I don't know what is normal and what is not. I am trying to find a new "normal" life but there is nothing normal or natural anymore. There are still days I want to stay in bed, I still cry almost everyday and I still expect to hear from him on certain days. I still have to remind myself sometimes that he is gone.
When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself. In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever. I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs. I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom. I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough? Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him? I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather. I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?
Krystal is making her way through life. It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there. But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much? Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am. Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself. All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me. Overall she is doing pretty well I think. I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.
Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan. I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me. I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs. I am trying but I have a long way to go.
Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife. He never knows what he is going to walk in to. A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life. He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave. I know this is tough on him and our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme. I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.
There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months, Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy. I have put the link to the video to both. Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it. Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me. He loved me and he knew right and wrong. This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself. In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever. I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs. I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom. I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough? Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him? I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather. I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?
Krystal is making her way through life. It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there. But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much? Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am. Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself. All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me. Overall she is doing pretty well I think. I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.
Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan. I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me. I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs. I am trying but I have a long way to go.
Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife. He never knows what he is going to walk in to. A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life. He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave. I know this is tough on him and our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme. I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.
There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months, Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy. I have put the link to the video to both. Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it. Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me. He loved me and he knew right and wrong. This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
the wave dream
Here it comes again. I feel it. Hope it isn't a tsunami.try to change what I am thinking. What am I thinking of? Its too late. Prepare myself. Take deep breaths. It's here before I am ready. the tears have started. I am starting to really loose it. The conversation with myself starts. "You can do this. You have made it through all the other ones." The wave is pulling me under. I am in over my head. Conversation with myself continues. "I can't do this. Its too big Yes you can do this you don't have choice. Take deep breath." The lights are going out. I can't breath, I can't think. conversation with self. "I can't breath. Stay calm You can get through this..Remain calm? have you taken a look at yourself? Its a little too late for calm." I am going deeper. It s so dark. I wonder how long this one will last and if this is the only one for awhile. I can't see. People are saying my name but I am in a fog nothing is sinking in. I still can't breath or see anything. I keep swimming but don't know which way is up or down. Conversation with self "You gotta fight. keep swimming. It is the only way out. You'll make it." "I don't want to make I don't want to fight anymore. I can't do this. Cant you see this is too much for one person." Please God help me." So dark. I feel I am in a box in the bottom of the sea. No way out. Keep bumping into thing. I still here people calling me. I can hear "mom this way" in another direction I can hear "Trish this way." yet in another direction I can hear "just take my hand." Where's the hand that is being offered me I don't see I don't feel. " Please God get me out of here." I have stifled the conversation with myself. She has given up as well. Everything is quiet there are no voices except for a male voice. "Take my hand, my daughter I have you. You must trust me. It's your only way out. Follow my voice and take my hand!" I am swimming toward the voice I am starting to feel I can breath again. Its still so dark. "Take my hand, it is right in front of you. I reach for a hand, I still can't see it. He said it is right in front of me. He grabs my hand. He pulls me out into an embrace. He sets me on his lap.Strokes my hair. I can breath. I can see. It is light again. The voice says, "I will never leave you, I will always be with you. You are not going through this alone. I too have had a son die. Trust me. Rely on me. You don't have to be the strong one. That's what I am here for."
Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days. All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up. I think it sends a message for all of. When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help. He will be the strong one we don't have to be. In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days. The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit. He never gives us too much that we can't handle it. He doesn't expect for us to do it alone. We just have to let him intervene.
Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days. All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up. I think it sends a message for all of. When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help. He will be the strong one we don't have to be. In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days. The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit. He never gives us too much that we can't handle it. He doesn't expect for us to do it alone. We just have to let him intervene.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Pet peeves
I will start this by saying please no one take offense in what I say in this blog. It is probably not directed at you in particular but in people in general. This last week or so I have discovered many pet peeves. I think I am entering the angry, frustrated, and annoyed stage of the grieving process. It really doesn't take much to make me annoyed, frustrated or angry. Supposedly this is a normal phase but I am not to sure I like it much. With that being said I will say again if you are reading this don't take anything personal. As the old saying goes "It's me not you."
I have found I don't like being alone in the house when the kids are at school and Stuart's at work. I find myself going to Wal-mart or Target a lot just to wonder. I am really not shopping for anything, I am just there to waste time so I am not home alone. Do you know how many Target associates ask me if I am finding everything I need I think I must look lost and dazed. These people come out of the wood work. No matter what isle I am on or what I am looking at I will hear "Are you finding everything you need?" or " Can I help you find anything?" I know they are suppose to ask but really someone just asked me the same question 5 seconds ago and I have been there everyday for a month. If I am having trouble finding something I will ask.
I have also discovered I really hated the question "how are you?" I know everyone is concerned but I don't know how to answer it. I know my friends and family want to hear the truth but I am almost sure all of you are tired of hearing "I am ok and it comes in waves". Both statements are true most of the time. I havent ever told people what I am really thinking when I am having a bad moment. Sometimes what I really want to say is "how do you think I am? or It hurts so much I want to scream and then take someone out. If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias when Sally Field says something to the effect that she just wants to hit someone hard enough for them to feel as much pain as she does. That would some up my feelings a lot of times. When the question comes from someone that really doesn't care how I am or doesn't really want to know. I want to call them on. I want to ask why they are asking if they don't care in the first place? Then there are the people that ask knowing I am having a crappy day, but don't really want to know I am having a crappy day. I can see the deer in the headlight look, in their face.They really don't want me to say anything except I am good. Either they are afraid of the truth or that I might break down in front of them and would have to deal with it. If you don't want to know...... Don't ask!
The last pet peeve I will write is all about my missing brain. Since Bry died my brain has been missing in action which I hear is another normal process but I want my brain back as small as it was. When I explain to you what I mean many of will say you have the same experience because we are getting old. Which is true. Lately my forgetting things and tasks is at least 10 times worse than it has ever been. I can't remember anything. If I think of something I need to do, if I don't do the task the second I am thinking it, it doesnt get done. Then there is the I am going to go do a task, I start heading in that direction of the task and I forget what I am doing. I can even retrace my footsteps and I won't remember it. I know what I want to say but can't think of the words to say. It like my brain has swallowed the thought and the words. The thoughts and words have gone to the very deepest darkest part of my brain usually never to come out again until someone asks me about the task. Do you know how many times I have been asked only to say "Oh yeah" then start to do the task and forget again. I even come up with plans so I won't forget write a note put items in my path infront of me ect I will still forget.
My birthday was on Monday. My family and I celebrated on Sunday. It was a great day. We went out to a movie (which we left early which is another whole blog in itself) and out to eat. Then we came home so I could unwrap 70 yes I said 70 precious moments figurines. Plus I got curio cabinet to go with them. I love my family.
Monday wasn't as good. I woke up forgetting that Bryan was gone. I woke up in a great expectations thinking I would hear from Bryan only to remember I wouldn't hear my favorite words "mommy I love you." Yes both my older kids still call me Mommy. I have to say I love it. I had many well wishers which I appreciated but was very emotional when I received Happy Birthday from my adopted kids, mostly when I got them from Bryan's friends. However I am so glad they remembered and wished me a Happy Birthday.
Now that I have offended some of you and made some of you feel bad, let me just say I am grateful for each and every one of you that are in my life. Again "it's me, not me. I want to tell you this phase will pass eventuallly and I will get through it. For those that care keep asking the questions and someday I will be able to say truthfully I am good instead of just ok.
I have found I don't like being alone in the house when the kids are at school and Stuart's at work. I find myself going to Wal-mart or Target a lot just to wonder. I am really not shopping for anything, I am just there to waste time so I am not home alone. Do you know how many Target associates ask me if I am finding everything I need I think I must look lost and dazed. These people come out of the wood work. No matter what isle I am on or what I am looking at I will hear "Are you finding everything you need?" or " Can I help you find anything?" I know they are suppose to ask but really someone just asked me the same question 5 seconds ago and I have been there everyday for a month. If I am having trouble finding something I will ask.
I have also discovered I really hated the question "how are you?" I know everyone is concerned but I don't know how to answer it. I know my friends and family want to hear the truth but I am almost sure all of you are tired of hearing "I am ok and it comes in waves". Both statements are true most of the time. I havent ever told people what I am really thinking when I am having a bad moment. Sometimes what I really want to say is "how do you think I am? or It hurts so much I want to scream and then take someone out. If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias when Sally Field says something to the effect that she just wants to hit someone hard enough for them to feel as much pain as she does. That would some up my feelings a lot of times. When the question comes from someone that really doesn't care how I am or doesn't really want to know. I want to call them on. I want to ask why they are asking if they don't care in the first place? Then there are the people that ask knowing I am having a crappy day, but don't really want to know I am having a crappy day. I can see the deer in the headlight look, in their face.They really don't want me to say anything except I am good. Either they are afraid of the truth or that I might break down in front of them and would have to deal with it. If you don't want to know...... Don't ask!
The last pet peeve I will write is all about my missing brain. Since Bry died my brain has been missing in action which I hear is another normal process but I want my brain back as small as it was. When I explain to you what I mean many of will say you have the same experience because we are getting old. Which is true. Lately my forgetting things and tasks is at least 10 times worse than it has ever been. I can't remember anything. If I think of something I need to do, if I don't do the task the second I am thinking it, it doesnt get done. Then there is the I am going to go do a task, I start heading in that direction of the task and I forget what I am doing. I can even retrace my footsteps and I won't remember it. I know what I want to say but can't think of the words to say. It like my brain has swallowed the thought and the words. The thoughts and words have gone to the very deepest darkest part of my brain usually never to come out again until someone asks me about the task. Do you know how many times I have been asked only to say "Oh yeah" then start to do the task and forget again. I even come up with plans so I won't forget write a note put items in my path infront of me ect I will still forget.
My birthday was on Monday. My family and I celebrated on Sunday. It was a great day. We went out to a movie (which we left early which is another whole blog in itself) and out to eat. Then we came home so I could unwrap 70 yes I said 70 precious moments figurines. Plus I got curio cabinet to go with them. I love my family.
Monday wasn't as good. I woke up forgetting that Bryan was gone. I woke up in a great expectations thinking I would hear from Bryan only to remember I wouldn't hear my favorite words "mommy I love you." Yes both my older kids still call me Mommy. I have to say I love it. I had many well wishers which I appreciated but was very emotional when I received Happy Birthday from my adopted kids, mostly when I got them from Bryan's friends. However I am so glad they remembered and wished me a Happy Birthday.
Now that I have offended some of you and made some of you feel bad, let me just say I am grateful for each and every one of you that are in my life. Again "it's me, not me. I want to tell you this phase will pass eventuallly and I will get through it. For those that care keep asking the questions and someday I will be able to say truthfully I am good instead of just ok.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
August 15, the one month anniversary
There is so much I want to say but some of the words won't come. I am just going to say what is on my mind and hope I don't ramble too much. I must say this month has probably been one of the hardest of my life. I have shed many tears and I know there is many more that will be shed. I have had to start saying goodbye to my oldest child. I say start because I don't think I will ever be finished saying goodbye to him or tell him everything I want to. That is a process that is going to take the rest of my life. Although this month has been hard I have had many gifts and blessings too.
Last week was one of the hard weeks. It was a combination of my dear friend dying,knowing the one month anniversary was coming and my husband finishing the box that we put Bryan's ashes in. My friend, Joe, died from liver failure and had been sick awhile. I wanted to go visit with him while I was in Utah and he was in the hospital but didn't make it because I was kind of in my own crisis at the time. Someways it was a blessing I didn't see him. He had lost a lot of weight and was very thin. I get to remember Joe as the big loving guy that was there with a smile and hug whenever you needed him. I get to remember him laughing and playing with my older kids when they were young. I will always remember his smile and him always making me smile by acting like a kid.
The box for Bryan was finished last week and it kind of took me for surprise. Ok, it really knocked me on my butt. I wasn't ready to know that he is in the box. How can you be ready for your son to be in "his final resting place"? The box is beautiful and Stuart did a wonderful job making it. It looks great and would be wonderful if it wasn't meant for Bryan's ashes.Thanks Stuart for making the box as hard as it was I will cherish it forever. I have a love- hate relationship with the box. I am finding I have a love-hate relationship with many things, that I didn't know I had like with laughing, smiling, moving on with life, alone time, family time, pictures etc.
I have had an amazing amount of blessings and gifts that has come from this month. I have connected and reconnected with friends and family. The amount of love and support that has come from friends and family is amazing. God knows exactly when I need to hear or see people. He has placed many people in my path to let me know how much I am loved and how many people remember Bryan. I want to thank God for placing those people in my life and for the people that have come into my path. For each of you that has asked and really cared how I am doing, the people that have listened to me cried with me and has offered and followed through with the statement "if there is anything I can do.." Thanks to all of those that just did things for me and my family without us having to ask. Sometimes it's really hard to go to someone and ask take me away or I just can't function today could you help me with dinner, the housework, pray with me or stand beside me to support me while someone else is praying or can you just help me take the next breath because I can't.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Bryan will be forgotten by everyone except for me and the family, I pray this is not the case. I don't want him to be remember as the kid that overdosed either. There was the loving, caring, goofy, positive, happy go lucky side of him too. The side that could get out of trouble with a smile a laugh, or smart remark. I want people to know he wasn't a bad kid just a kid that made a lot of bad choices. A kid that loved and respected his mom and grandparents. The kid that wouldn't let his friends gang or no gang swear or be disrespectful in front of me.
As I move on into the next days, months and years to come I know I will have many more tears, more memories and most of all many blessings. Although I am broke and there is a huge part of me that is gone. The waves of sorrow and grief still hit. I still don't know when the waves will hit or what kind of wave they will be, a tsunami that will take a day or two to recover from, a wave that will know me down and will take a few waves before I can get back up again or just the wave that pushes me forward. I know something good will come out of the suffering and pain. I know I am strong and I will endure and by the grace of God I will be a better person and the person God has called me be. There will be beauty from his ashes.
Last week was one of the hard weeks. It was a combination of my dear friend dying,knowing the one month anniversary was coming and my husband finishing the box that we put Bryan's ashes in. My friend, Joe, died from liver failure and had been sick awhile. I wanted to go visit with him while I was in Utah and he was in the hospital but didn't make it because I was kind of in my own crisis at the time. Someways it was a blessing I didn't see him. He had lost a lot of weight and was very thin. I get to remember Joe as the big loving guy that was there with a smile and hug whenever you needed him. I get to remember him laughing and playing with my older kids when they were young. I will always remember his smile and him always making me smile by acting like a kid.
The box for Bryan was finished last week and it kind of took me for surprise. Ok, it really knocked me on my butt. I wasn't ready to know that he is in the box. How can you be ready for your son to be in "his final resting place"? The box is beautiful and Stuart did a wonderful job making it. It looks great and would be wonderful if it wasn't meant for Bryan's ashes.Thanks Stuart for making the box as hard as it was I will cherish it forever. I have a love- hate relationship with the box. I am finding I have a love-hate relationship with many things, that I didn't know I had like with laughing, smiling, moving on with life, alone time, family time, pictures etc.
I have had an amazing amount of blessings and gifts that has come from this month. I have connected and reconnected with friends and family. The amount of love and support that has come from friends and family is amazing. God knows exactly when I need to hear or see people. He has placed many people in my path to let me know how much I am loved and how many people remember Bryan. I want to thank God for placing those people in my life and for the people that have come into my path. For each of you that has asked and really cared how I am doing, the people that have listened to me cried with me and has offered and followed through with the statement "if there is anything I can do.." Thanks to all of those that just did things for me and my family without us having to ask. Sometimes it's really hard to go to someone and ask take me away or I just can't function today could you help me with dinner, the housework, pray with me or stand beside me to support me while someone else is praying or can you just help me take the next breath because I can't.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Bryan will be forgotten by everyone except for me and the family, I pray this is not the case. I don't want him to be remember as the kid that overdosed either. There was the loving, caring, goofy, positive, happy go lucky side of him too. The side that could get out of trouble with a smile a laugh, or smart remark. I want people to know he wasn't a bad kid just a kid that made a lot of bad choices. A kid that loved and respected his mom and grandparents. The kid that wouldn't let his friends gang or no gang swear or be disrespectful in front of me.
As I move on into the next days, months and years to come I know I will have many more tears, more memories and most of all many blessings. Although I am broke and there is a huge part of me that is gone. The waves of sorrow and grief still hit. I still don't know when the waves will hit or what kind of wave they will be, a tsunami that will take a day or two to recover from, a wave that will know me down and will take a few waves before I can get back up again or just the wave that pushes me forward. I know something good will come out of the suffering and pain. I know I am strong and I will endure and by the grace of God I will be a better person and the person God has called me be. There will be beauty from his ashes.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Time
Time is both a friend and and an enemy in my life right now. This love-hate relationship has been more clear to me since July 15 when I got the first dreaded phone call that Bryan had overdosed came. The phone call was from a police officer using my mom's phone. He left a message. Within 2 minutes of that call I recieved a text and phone call from my sister. I knew something was wrong. I don't get that many phone calls from Utah in that short amount of time without something being wrong.
From that moment in time, my relationship with time changed. Every second counted and it could not go by slow enough or fast enough for me. I wanted to get to him as fast as I could so I could maybe say goodbye and kiss him to make everything better. I also wanted time to go by slowly. The slower it passed the longer I had before I had to face reality.
Then in the airport the next dreaded call. Although I made this one to tell everyone I was able to get a flight and was on my way. Time had cheated me of seeing my son alive for the last time. It was too late. He would not be able to hear me say I love you, Bud. or "please don't go. I need you. I need my boy." I had to get on the plane. Time wasnt going to stop for me. Again I wanted time to go by fast and slow. Time was my protector from reality.
Time became my enemy again the next day when I went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements. I wanted a family viewing. I wanted to kiss him goodbye. I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to see and feel for myself he was gone. I wanted to feel that there was no pulse or no breathing. I was told that wouldn't be possible because the state was doing an autopsy. We had to have a viewing within 24 hours and it would take longer than that for the autopsy to be done. Ok no viewing for the family but I atleast wanted to see him. Againg that stupid 24 hour rule, I could only view him through glass. I could not touch him or kiss him goodbye. Time again robbed me of saying good bye the way I wanted to.
Now almost a month after Bryan died time is still my worst enemy and my best friend. Time will be my friend by dulling the pain. As time goes by it will be easier or at least that's what I am told. I don't think time can ever fill the emptiness or loneliness. It can only make its so it is a little duller and maybe it wont feel like I am being sucker punched. For that I will be grateful. Time also dulls the memories of the bad times and adds to the happy memories. Again I am grateful. Although time is my protector and dulls the pain which makes it a great friend, every second, minute, hour, day ect is one more that I have to find a new normal, one more that I won't hear from or be able to see my son. It is also one more before I get to see him again when my time on earth is done.
I have asked to have just 5 more minutes with him. I know it will never happen. Even if it did that time would become an enemy again.
From that moment in time, my relationship with time changed. Every second counted and it could not go by slow enough or fast enough for me. I wanted to get to him as fast as I could so I could maybe say goodbye and kiss him to make everything better. I also wanted time to go by slowly. The slower it passed the longer I had before I had to face reality.
Then in the airport the next dreaded call. Although I made this one to tell everyone I was able to get a flight and was on my way. Time had cheated me of seeing my son alive for the last time. It was too late. He would not be able to hear me say I love you, Bud. or "please don't go. I need you. I need my boy." I had to get on the plane. Time wasnt going to stop for me. Again I wanted time to go by fast and slow. Time was my protector from reality.
Time became my enemy again the next day when I went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements. I wanted a family viewing. I wanted to kiss him goodbye. I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to see and feel for myself he was gone. I wanted to feel that there was no pulse or no breathing. I was told that wouldn't be possible because the state was doing an autopsy. We had to have a viewing within 24 hours and it would take longer than that for the autopsy to be done. Ok no viewing for the family but I atleast wanted to see him. Againg that stupid 24 hour rule, I could only view him through glass. I could not touch him or kiss him goodbye. Time again robbed me of saying good bye the way I wanted to.
Now almost a month after Bryan died time is still my worst enemy and my best friend. Time will be my friend by dulling the pain. As time goes by it will be easier or at least that's what I am told. I don't think time can ever fill the emptiness or loneliness. It can only make its so it is a little duller and maybe it wont feel like I am being sucker punched. For that I will be grateful. Time also dulls the memories of the bad times and adds to the happy memories. Again I am grateful. Although time is my protector and dulls the pain which makes it a great friend, every second, minute, hour, day ect is one more that I have to find a new normal, one more that I won't hear from or be able to see my son. It is also one more before I get to see him again when my time on earth is done.
I have asked to have just 5 more minutes with him. I know it will never happen. Even if it did that time would become an enemy again.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Going back to work
I went to back on Sunday night and then worked Monday night. It was so much harder and so much easier than I thought. As many of you know I recently switched jobs from working in the Float Pool (I didn't have a home unit, I would go where ever they needed me in the areas of Pediatrics, Nursery and Post Partum) I basically worked with parents and babies. I move to work with just mommas and babies.
Going back wasn' difficult because of the moms or babies although if I were truely honest with myself i was a little jelious they are just starting the journey of life together as mom and child. I just ended that journey with Bryan. The hard part was the fear of the questions. I can do ok with the first two questions I knew would be asked "How many kids and what are their ages? It's the next question that is asked What is your older kids doing going to college, married, are they still living at home? That is the question that sends me reeling. I just cant bring myself to say My son just died or my oldest son died. That is just too much reality in my world. Because of my fear and my fragility in saneness. I found myself just going in the room to do a task and not to make any small talk. This for me is very sad because that is one reason I went to post partum was so I could have time to talk and get to know my patients and possibly help each mom be a better mom or just to ease their anxiousness. Because of my fear and my feeling of I was going to loose it each time i walked into a patients room, I have decided to go back to the float pool and mostly just adult nursing.
Going back was easier than I thought because of the wonderful women I work with. They don't know how much each hug and each how are you doing mean to me. They were giving me strength. They let me talk about Bryan. I am sure they are all bored with my telling the same stories but most of them at least pretend to be listening and will tell me again how sorry they are. They have welcomed me into their family. I am so blessed. That part will be very hard to leave.
In the last 2 1/2 weeks I have made mor life altering decisions that I usually do in 5 years. I have decided to go back to school to change careers to a counelor and I have decided to change jobs again. I have many personal decissions as well that I am just not comfortable talking about yet. I so hope out of the change, all of the sadness and grief that something good will come out of my son's death. I hope parents realize just how lucky they are to have their kids and learn to take joy in even kids being difficult. I hope kids that read this realize just how much they are loved and mean to their parents. Parents and kids will always make mistakes but know they are doing the very best they can at the given moment. Remember to take a deep breath and hug your family.
Going back wasn' difficult because of the moms or babies although if I were truely honest with myself i was a little jelious they are just starting the journey of life together as mom and child. I just ended that journey with Bryan. The hard part was the fear of the questions. I can do ok with the first two questions I knew would be asked "How many kids and what are their ages? It's the next question that is asked What is your older kids doing going to college, married, are they still living at home? That is the question that sends me reeling. I just cant bring myself to say My son just died or my oldest son died. That is just too much reality in my world. Because of my fear and my fragility in saneness. I found myself just going in the room to do a task and not to make any small talk. This for me is very sad because that is one reason I went to post partum was so I could have time to talk and get to know my patients and possibly help each mom be a better mom or just to ease their anxiousness. Because of my fear and my feeling of I was going to loose it each time i walked into a patients room, I have decided to go back to the float pool and mostly just adult nursing.
Going back was easier than I thought because of the wonderful women I work with. They don't know how much each hug and each how are you doing mean to me. They were giving me strength. They let me talk about Bryan. I am sure they are all bored with my telling the same stories but most of them at least pretend to be listening and will tell me again how sorry they are. They have welcomed me into their family. I am so blessed. That part will be very hard to leave.
In the last 2 1/2 weeks I have made mor life altering decisions that I usually do in 5 years. I have decided to go back to school to change careers to a counelor and I have decided to change jobs again. I have many personal decissions as well that I am just not comfortable talking about yet. I so hope out of the change, all of the sadness and grief that something good will come out of my son's death. I hope parents realize just how lucky they are to have their kids and learn to take joy in even kids being difficult. I hope kids that read this realize just how much they are loved and mean to their parents. Parents and kids will always make mistakes but know they are doing the very best they can at the given moment. Remember to take a deep breath and hug your family.
Friday, July 29, 2011
2 long weeks
Its been 2 weeks ago today since Bryan died. I can honestly say its been the hardest, longest two weeks of my life. Its hard to put into words what I am feeling. Part of me is relieved that Bryan died I know to some of you, you think thats harsh and wonder how can a mom be relieved that her son is gone. Bryan was into so many drugs and emotional pain it was hard to see. Not to mention the gang activity he was involved in. In his last 30 days on this earth he was stabbed, was in jail and beat up. I no longer worry about the dreaded phone call and what will be said and although the circumstances are horrendous I have my baby boy home with me (or at least his ashes are here).No one can influence him in negative ways, no more, drugs to get away from his pain, no more phone calls, no more getting jumped or beat up and he is not longer participating in those activies.
There is a part that is mad as Hell at him and that part wants answers to all the why's. Not that I will ever get any answers to those answers and I guess the best answer is why not?
The other part of me is just dreadfully sad and depressed. I want him back. I want a text from him that says "what cha doin?" or to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to see his smile and sparkle in his eyes. I want to hear his smart remarks and I want him to make me laugh like only he could.
These last two weeks have been the hardest there is a lot regrets and a lot of pain. His dad died 21 years ago, I thought that was tough but its nothing to what I am going through now!!
There is a part that is mad as Hell at him and that part wants answers to all the why's. Not that I will ever get any answers to those answers and I guess the best answer is why not?
The other part of me is just dreadfully sad and depressed. I want him back. I want a text from him that says "what cha doin?" or to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to see his smile and sparkle in his eyes. I want to hear his smart remarks and I want him to make me laugh like only he could.
These last two weeks have been the hardest there is a lot regrets and a lot of pain. His dad died 21 years ago, I thought that was tough but its nothing to what I am going through now!!
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