Today is one of the hard days. I have cried almost all day. I thought it would get easier, it hasn't I have just gotten better about putting on a fake smile and going through my days. Days like today when I am alone there is nothing more I want to do than call you up and talk to you. I want to hear you laugh, complain about your sister, or tell me funny stories about the two of you, I want to hear about your new girlfriend and how "this is the one." I want to hear that you are going to be a Dad. I want one more "I love you.or Waz up?" I miss you even more than I thought was imaginable.
I still ask myself and God why? What could I have done? Why I didn't die first. I would take your place if I could. I always ask would things be different if I were a better mom or if I had made different choices. There are so many other questions I ask.
There are still so many days I ask God to take me so I can be with you. This pain and emptiness is like nothing I can explain or put into words. The hole in my heart grows daily with thoughts of you. There is many times I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up. Or go to sleep and wake up to find out this was just a nightmare and everything is normal again. That my heart is hole and there are no missing pieces.
People say time heals all wounds. What a false statement. Time doesn't heal the wound it just teaches you to cover it up and in a blink of an eye the wound will open up again and consume you.
I missed you on Superbowl telling me who was going to win and betting against me since my team was in it this year. I missed the call I always got on Valentine's day. When we went to Vegas I almost asked Stuart if we could pay for a ticket for you to come so I could see you.
Typing all this out seems to help. I can almost hear you say Mom, I am awight. You didn't do anything wrong. I love you Mommy. but almost doesn't count in real life.
