6 months

This is the third time I have started this post.  There is so much I want to say but as I am writing the words are not capturing my feeling or making enough sense for people to read.  I don't know if it will all make sense to you but I guess it really only needs to make sense to me. I cant believe on Sunday the 6 month anniversary of Bryan's death will be here.It has been the hardest, slowest, fastest and most emotional six months of my life. The last six months have been life changing to say the least.

One of the hardest thing for me is I want Bryan to be remembered.  Not just by me and not only while I am on this earth but afterwards.  I know in reality other people remember Bryan but I think a lot of people remember him for his mistakes, mishaps and for other wrong reasons.  I want people to remember him for being such funny kid that could make just about anyone smile, not for being so much fun to party with.  I want him to be remembered for being such a kind, cool cousin not for being an example of what not to do.  I want people stories like when his 2 year old cousin wanted him to read him a story and he didn't want to.  He finally told his cousin to get a book and sit on the couch.  He took a whole 30 seconds with her by starting with "Once upon a time..." he then proceeded with "blah blah blah blah."as he turned the pages of the story.  At the end of the book he said "the end" she said "tanks Bry."  She was happy and so was everyone else because he had taken time with her but made us all smile at the "blah blah blah blahs."

I want Bryan to be remembered as loving and respecting his Mom and Grandmas. Protecting his sister from people that made fun of her.  I want him to be remembered as being a loyal friend.  I want his heart to be remembered not just his mistakes.  I want his smile and the spark in his eyes, to be remembered.  His smart remarks and his laughter to be remember.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days weeks and months it been since Bryan died.  I think the answer to that is no.  I counted them after he was born. I knew how old he was, what time and day he was born as many moms do.  But I am more precise with the time after his death.  Its hard to explain. Maybe because its only been six months that I know the date and how many weeks days months and hours its been.  Maybe the preciseness will stop after awhile.  I don't know maybe it is my way of holding on to him. I am not sure of that answer and only time will tell.

I also wonder if time really mends the pain or if the constant thinking of him every hour of every day just dulls the pain.  I guess it doesn't matter what happens healing or dulling.  Thinking of him doesn't make me cry all the time now.  I can get through a couple of weeks now without having a total breakdown.

In reality I know he will be not be remember forever, but I guess not many people are remembered forever.  His sisters and brother will have kids and Bryan's name will be mentioned.  Then slowly he won't be mentioned much and then not at all.  He didn't have kids so there won't be legacy of people that will mention his name just because its Great Grandpa Bryan that was crazy.  I guess that's ok too.  I will always remember him. I will always donate and do things in memory of Bryan. Someday I won't have to just remember him. I will get to see him in heaven.  That seems like a very long time to wait though and a very long time that Bryan will b just a memory and a long time that new memories are not made. 

The new year

As the 2012 starts, I know it will be filled with bittersweet memories.  I will make many new good memories and there will be many memories from the past.  this year will also be a year of  getting through a whole year with Bryan. The new year started about a week ago.  the thought of a year with out Bryan is almost overwhelming.  I have the awful month of Febuary, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and then the holidays to look forward too.With each day, week, month, and holiday that passes, it is one more I make it with out Bryan and one more day of memories that I make with my friends, family and loved ones.  In my brain, I know Bryan is in a better place and he has gone to his permanent homebut thatt knowledge hasn't reached my  heart yet.  The brain and heart is going to take a lot of time before they are on the same page

This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok".  She then said, it seems you are doing great.  It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well.  With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time."  I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor."  If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree.  I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had.  I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of  Bryan.  My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.

As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing?  Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him.  And if he is 26 that too is wierd.  And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again.   I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are?  This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.

As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it.  Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown.  However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile.  2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)