Yes it has already been eight months, again this has been the longest and shortest 8 months of my life. Everything is such an emotional roller coaster. The highs are still very high and the lows are still very low. Anything, anyone or anyplace can trigger the tidal wave. I often wonder if it is always going to be this way, I have to say I think the answer is yes. I hope it will get so there is not such vast dips and highs but for now this is life and I am learning to deal with it.There are still many sleepless nights and I almost constantly have a headache.
One of things I hate the most is when I get jealous of when one my friends' kids have lifetime events, like getting married, having babies, graduating from college, going into the military. I don't know how I can be so happy for my friends and so jealous of them at the same time.
These events always make me ask myself and God the questions that have no answers, well at least not in this lifetime. Lately I ask why a lot. Why him? Why me? Why couldn't I get miracle here on earth? Why did God take him to end his addiction? Why does he have to be the example of what not to do? My answer that has come to me in the last few weeks is the same. Why not? and Why do you think you should have been spared? God never said we would not have trials and hard times. In fact he said just the opposite. That is tough one to swallow. The other answer that comes is you are not the only one that has lost a son. There went my pity party pretty quick.
The grief process sucks. There is nothing easy about it. However, I am making progress. Most people won't remember Bryan for all the things I want them to remember him for but when one of his cousins, friends, brother or sister thinks about doing drugs, they may stop and remember how it ended for Bryan and walk away from them. Its not the legacy I want for Bryan but its a legacy and he will be remembered for a very long time by a lot of people. And in the end I think at least one person will not fall into the same trap or at least ask and get the help they need to get out of the trap.
I miss him and always will. I will always jump when the phone rings, I will always have a half a second when I think it might be him. I will also always know deep down because of him someone made the right choice.
