Dear Friends and Family,
The last two months, since the loss of Bryan, has been the most difficult time of my life. It has been more difficult than I could have imagined. I miss Bryan more every day. This process is going to take me a long time to get through, sometimes it feels like it is going to last forever.
Thank you for being there and supporting me during this time. I ask that you continue to support me through this process. There will be unexpected tears, times of me being psycho, I willl be angry for no reason and I am sure I will make you uncomfortable with my tears, rage and my repeating the same memories of him. I am processing the loss. I don't apolagize for these behaviors it is normal and me going through the process. I don't need to fix me . I just need you to listen and be there for me. I need your love, understanding and patience. You don't have to have the answers to the questions I am asking, and you don't have to know what to say to me. The things that help the most are a caring glance, a hug or listening to me, and its ok to cry with me.
When I start to withdrawl, please dont let me for too long. Reach out to me, dont let me lock myself up inside. Call me, get me out of my house, a morning walk, lunch a movie, a workout anything. Its not good for me to be alone all the time. Don't wait for me to call you since most of the time too tired or tearful and I don't want to impose on you and your family. Please don't ask me to make any decissions my brain is mush and I can't think. Help me think through my decissions so I don't make any rash decissions. I am doing a lot of that lately.
Continue to pray for me and my family. Pray that we will accept Bryan's death, and I will continue to feel God's love and comfort. Pray that we will all find something good that comes from all of this. It does help to know you are praying for me.
The loss of Bryan is painful and is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. But I will survive and eventually be stronger than I was before. I know that I will always feel this way. I know there will be joy in the morning.
Thank you for caring about me. Thanks for listening to me and praying for me. Your caring and concern comforts me and is a true gift from God. He has given me a great support system.
Love you always,
Trish
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
2 monthes
On Thursday will be the 2 month anniversary of Bryan's death. Unlike most anniversaries, I don't look forward to these. I will have them for the rest of my life. People still ask "how I am?" the honest answer is I don't know. I don't know what is normal and what is not. I am trying to find a new "normal" life but there is nothing normal or natural anymore. There are still days I want to stay in bed, I still cry almost everyday and I still expect to hear from him on certain days. I still have to remind myself sometimes that he is gone.
When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself. In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever. I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs. I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom. I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough? Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him? I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather. I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?
Krystal is making her way through life. It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there. But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much? Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am. Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself. All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me. Overall she is doing pretty well I think. I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.
Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan. I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me. I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs. I am trying but I have a long way to go.
Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife. He never knows what he is going to walk in to. A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life. He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave. I know this is tough on him and our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme. I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.
There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months, Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy. I have put the link to the video to both. Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it. Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me. He loved me and he knew right and wrong. This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself. In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever. I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs. I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom. I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough? Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him? I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather. I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?
Krystal is making her way through life. It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there. But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much? Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am. Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself. All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me. Overall she is doing pretty well I think. I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.
Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan. I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me. I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs. I am trying but I have a long way to go.
Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife. He never knows what he is going to walk in to. A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life. He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave. I know this is tough on him and our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme. I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.
There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months, Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy. I have put the link to the video to both. Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it. Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me. He loved me and he knew right and wrong. This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
the wave dream
Here it comes again. I feel it. Hope it isn't a tsunami.try to change what I am thinking. What am I thinking of? Its too late. Prepare myself. Take deep breaths. It's here before I am ready. the tears have started. I am starting to really loose it. The conversation with myself starts. "You can do this. You have made it through all the other ones." The wave is pulling me under. I am in over my head. Conversation with myself continues. "I can't do this. Its too big Yes you can do this you don't have choice. Take deep breath." The lights are going out. I can't breath, I can't think. conversation with self. "I can't breath. Stay calm You can get through this..Remain calm? have you taken a look at yourself? Its a little too late for calm." I am going deeper. It s so dark. I wonder how long this one will last and if this is the only one for awhile. I can't see. People are saying my name but I am in a fog nothing is sinking in. I still can't breath or see anything. I keep swimming but don't know which way is up or down. Conversation with self "You gotta fight. keep swimming. It is the only way out. You'll make it." "I don't want to make I don't want to fight anymore. I can't do this. Cant you see this is too much for one person." Please God help me." So dark. I feel I am in a box in the bottom of the sea. No way out. Keep bumping into thing. I still here people calling me. I can hear "mom this way" in another direction I can hear "Trish this way." yet in another direction I can hear "just take my hand." Where's the hand that is being offered me I don't see I don't feel. " Please God get me out of here." I have stifled the conversation with myself. She has given up as well. Everything is quiet there are no voices except for a male voice. "Take my hand, my daughter I have you. You must trust me. It's your only way out. Follow my voice and take my hand!" I am swimming toward the voice I am starting to feel I can breath again. Its still so dark. "Take my hand, it is right in front of you. I reach for a hand, I still can't see it. He said it is right in front of me. He grabs my hand. He pulls me out into an embrace. He sets me on his lap.Strokes my hair. I can breath. I can see. It is light again. The voice says, "I will never leave you, I will always be with you. You are not going through this alone. I too have had a son die. Trust me. Rely on me. You don't have to be the strong one. That's what I am here for."
Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days. All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up. I think it sends a message for all of. When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help. He will be the strong one we don't have to be. In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days. The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit. He never gives us too much that we can't handle it. He doesn't expect for us to do it alone. We just have to let him intervene.
Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days. All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up. I think it sends a message for all of. When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help. He will be the strong one we don't have to be. In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days. The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit. He never gives us too much that we can't handle it. He doesn't expect for us to do it alone. We just have to let him intervene.
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