Bryan's Birthday

Saturday was Bryan's birthday.  I lived through it with some help from some very special people.  I have to admit I was pretty depressed and in a very foul mood for a week or two before his birthday.

After Bryan died there wasn't a day I didn't pray to God to take me too.  The whole in my heart was so enormous, I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only thing I knew that would take the pain away.  The last few months I haven't said that prayer very often.Yes there are still days when I do.  The weeks before his birthday I was saying that prayer on at least a daily basis.  Have you ever got so low you couldn't pray because the words just wont come?  I was in that spot.

Thank God for his timing!  I have to say I made it through his birthday because of my big sister that wouldn't let me give up and prayed for me constantly.  Thank you!!  The day was also made easier by all the people that remembered Bryan that day and sent me a text or posted something on his facebook or thought of me and posted something on mine.

However the turning point for me was when I recieved an instant message from one of Bryan's friends telling me she had gotten off of drugs, had been clean for a year and telling me her life has changed for the better.  I will cherish that forever.

I then got a comment on one of the previous posts that from another friend of Bryan's that she too has been drug free for almost a year and is changing her life as well.  I can't even tell you how wonderful that make me feel.  Bryan is having a positve influence on people. Something good is coming from my son's death.  Bryan's death was not in vain.  Better yet I know how happy he would be that he helped someone get clean.

About six months before he died he told me he wanted to get his life straight so he could go into teen counselling to help kids in trouble.  He said Mom I want to help these kids so they don't put their Moms through what I have put you through.  One person would make it all worth it!  Bryan got what he wanted.  He got 2 that he helped.

Thanks to the girls that took the time to email me.  You both are wonderful and a I am praying for you daily.  Keep up the hard work.

Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that also is helping soothe my soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

I am a Grandma

I have been in Utah since Wednesday. It has been an interesting visit and that is understating the last few days. As usual since last July i have had many mixed emothions. I came for my niece's graduation. A lot of people don't understand how you can have mixed emotions on such a happy occasion. I really can't explain it except to say I am truly happy for the occasion but miss Bryan so deeply and want him to share the experience with the me. Every special holiday opens up the wound and rubs salt in it. It just hurts!
I am so proud of Megan. She has become such a sweet, loving, compassionate young woman. During the festivities Bryan's presence was felt. He would have been so proud and he would have bragged to just about everyone he knew. Having Bryan's best friend my adopted son, Dave, at them made things a lot easier. Besides all of Megan's festivities.
I had the privledge of spending time with Dave's daughter.she is such a cutie. I am so proud she calls me Grandma Trish. I must admit it is kind of weird being called Grandma. I also found out Bryan has a little boy. I think he is about 6 and looks just like him. The problem is the mother of the little boy is denying its his to me. Even though she admitted to others it's his.i would love to beable to be a part of this little guy's life. It's a answer to a prayer that there would be a little part of him running around. However, i am asking for prayers that this little boy's mom will come around and let me watch him grow up and be a part of his life. It fills a little part of my broken heart, knowing there is a little Bryan running around causing havoc!
After finding out I am a grandma and spending time with my grand daughter Maddy, I want to shout it from the rough tops that I am a Grandma times 2!! I am a truly blessed girl! I thank God for answered prayer.
I have a few more days here I plan on spending time with Megan and some old friends. I will also continue torelish feeling Bryan's presence.

Maddy having a fun day with Grandma!