Its been 2 weeks ago today since Bryan died. I can honestly say its been the hardest, longest two weeks of my life. Its hard to put into words what I am feeling. Part of me is relieved that Bryan died I know to some of you, you think thats harsh and wonder how can a mom be relieved that her son is gone. Bryan was into so many drugs and emotional pain it was hard to see. Not to mention the gang activity he was involved in. In his last 30 days on this earth he was stabbed, was in jail and beat up. I no longer worry about the dreaded phone call and what will be said and although the circumstances are horrendous I have my baby boy home with me (or at least his ashes are here).No one can influence him in negative ways, no more, drugs to get away from his pain, no more phone calls, no more getting jumped or beat up and he is not longer participating in those activies.
There is a part that is mad as Hell at him and that part wants answers to all the why's. Not that I will ever get any answers to those answers and I guess the best answer is why not?
The other part of me is just dreadfully sad and depressed. I want him back. I want a text from him that says "what cha doin?" or to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to see his smile and sparkle in his eyes. I want to hear his smart remarks and I want him to make me laugh like only he could.
These last two weeks have been the hardest there is a lot regrets and a lot of pain. His dad died 21 years ago, I thought that was tough but its nothing to what I am going through now!!
