Last year I was still in shock over losing my precious baby boy. I know he was 25 but he will alway be my baby. This year the reality of the never s hit. I made new stockings for the family. I made one for Bryan, as I started to piece it together and sew it I couldn't stop the tears. The reality that his stocking will forever remain empty. I will never get the chance to see his face brighten when he get a special treat in his stocking. I will never get that feeling I got when I scored the best christmas present for him. I never get to hear him laugh over the traditional Christmas boxers he got every year.
As I received the first Christmas card with the perfect family on it, it hit. The reality that my family will always be incomplete. I will never get family photos or pictures of all of my kids taken again because one will always be missing. I did send a card this year but its not one of all of together, it had to be a college of pictures so I could make sure include Bryan. I know some will be offended but he will forever be part of my family. Even writing the Christmas letter felt weird, I wasn't wasn't able to write of Bryan's accomplishments.
Last year decorating for Christmas was unbearable. Not the Bryan liked to decorate but he loved to the food and snacks that was around when decorating. This year it wasn't unbearable but made me very sad. Another reality Bryan would never beg me to make my caramels or sugar cookies. He will never complain about putting all of the ornaments on the tree, or hearing all the old stories about the special ornaments and listening to all the "gay" Christmas music. Yes I even miss his complaining and whining.
As tomorrow comes there will be another harsh reality. I will never again have the opportunity of waking up on Christmas morning with all of my children gathered around the Christmas tree with eagerness to open presents.
As Krystal, Kyle, and Heather open their pajamas today my mind will drift back to a time when my family was complete. Tomorrow morning opening presents, I will be even more aware of the huge gaping hole in my heart. I will put on a happy face and hide the tears that will be trying to escape. I will thank God for the 25 years I had with Bryan and pray His grace will get me through the day.
I miss you Bub. Merry Christmas! Please come home for Christmas!
