better Christmases

It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents.  I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on.  I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone. 

Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year.  When I was a kid I was the first one up.  I was always so excited.  Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else.  I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble.  After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were.  The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true.  Christmas time was always a magically time for rme.  Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.

This year is different.  The magic is just not here.  Bryan took the magic to heaven with him.  There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son.  I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it.  Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way.  I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone.  Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too.  Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart.  I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.


Nothing is like it used to be.  I hope the magic returns soon.  Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love.  I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun.  I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either.  I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels   My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same. 

In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas.  Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband.  I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes.  I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts.  With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy.  She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to. 

The pain seems neverending and all engulfing.  I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain.  There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future.  For now I  want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed

Early Christmas presents

As most of you know by now especially if you are friends with me on facebook, that Bryan was an extra on the Disney Channel's Good Luck Charlie's Christmas episode.  The episode aired for the first time Friday night.  As the day was nearing I became very apprehensive.  I really didn't want to start a spiral downward.  I have been coping pretty well for the last couple of weeks.  I didn't know if seeing Bryan in the show would be one of my emotional triggers.  At the same time there is no way I was going to miss it. This episode was filmed about six weeks before Bryan died.

I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him.  It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet.  I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show.  Then I saw him.  It was very fast the first time.  It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies.  Then I saw him a couple more times.  I haven't been that excited in a long time. 

Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do.  I think I am still on a happy high.  What an incredible Christmas gift I was given.  I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun!  He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love.  The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you."   Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again.  I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me)  Which in itself is another gift!!

Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations.  I do not know how it got there.  I haven't seen it in years.  I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa.  Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan.  Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time.  I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.