There are so many thoughts rumbling through my head on what to write. I have so many questions without answers and some of the questions the answers I come up with I don't like.
Its been more than 10 months since Bryan chose to take the heroin that took his life. The last year as been rough to say the least. At this time last year I was having frequent conversations with Bryan to please get into a drug rehab and that I would do what ever I could to pay for it. His response to me was always the same "mom you don't have to worry. I am not stupid I know what I am doing.i have everything under control." This year has been a roller coaster. If I am honest with you and myself the roller coaster ride began long before that fateful day. The roller coaster ride really began the first time Bryan chose to do his first hit, an/or his first drink. I believe he was addicted after his very first time. I can't prove it but that's my belief. I have to continually tell myself it was his choice. It may not have been his choice to die but he knew what the consequences could be from the first time he choose to do drugs. I was the parent that always had the conversations that other parents didn't want to have. I answered the questions and gave truthful answers.I was also the parent that many of my kids friends would come talk to because they knew I would be honest with them. Bryan knew what drugs and alcohol could do to a person and how it could affect the lives of others around him.
The drugs he took robbed him, me and my family of many memories that will never come to pass. I never got to see my son graduate from high school, get married, or have kids. I will never be called Grandma by a little boy that looks and talks like him. I will never know what he chose as his career or see him excited about a promotion. They robbed Bryan of things that he would have loved to be a part of, his Grandma's remarriage, seeing his cousins graduate, seeing his little sisters get married possibly even walking Krystal down the isle. He will never get the chance to call me old again. Instead of the happy memories that could have been, his family, friends and I get to remember the phone calls from jail, wondering where he was when no one could get a hold of him and yes we get the memory of how we found out he overdosed and was no longer with us. Drugs stole his common sense He couldn't handle and didn't have it under control. Not that I ever thought he did when it came to him doing drugs.
I often ask God what makes him decided who and what miracles he gives to people. I know several people that have received miracles but not the miracles they wanted. I got a miracle that my child is never going to have to fight the demon of drugs again but the miracle I wanted was my son off of drugs and he was a true success story. He had a family and a career and helped people with their addictions. I have a friend that got a miracle he son lived and is functional after jumping off a bridge. Only to have her son still addicted to those nasty drugs. Now she wonders what changes the next phone call will have in store for her. I don't think that is exactly the miracle she was looking for. I have another friend that her grandson had a fence fall on him that left him with brain damage and now she gets to watch her grandson and daughter and son in law wonder what other changes tomorrow will bring. I am pretty sure that is not the miracle they wanted. I am not saying that me or the others would change our miracles. These miracles have taught us to rely on God, made us stronger and have made us who we are and are continually changing us into who God wants us to be.
I am not mad at Bryan or at God. I just have questions with no answers. I guess someday when I get to the pearly gates I will have the answers but for now I will keep asking the questions. I will keep telling Bryan's story so maybe one time when someone is making a decision to do drugs or not the answer will be to not do them. Maybe he will think of Bry for just a half a second and decide to walk away.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Mother's Day
Its almost been 10 months. I know you guys are all getting tired of hearing how long it's been but it's become a part of me. This is Mother's day weekend. I can say I am not excited and I want to just forget about celebrating being a Mom. Yes I know I have 3 other children, I love them but I was his mom first. I hate celebrating being a mom without him. It doesn't make sense but I gave up on making sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am working this weekend which I was hoping would be a good thing however I have a feeling I will be with the Mommies and babies at work helping them celebrate the love that has been created by just being a Mom
There is a lot going on in the next few weeks and months.Mother's Day of course, I have to face to first 2 life events in the family since Bryan died. I am going to Utah and for the first time in 10 years he won't be there to hang out with. Bryan's birthday is in June as well as Father's Day. I know what youre thinking why is Father's Day a big deal. He used to wish me a Happy Father's Day saying I was the best mom and dad he could have! Then the 1 year mark in July. Not a day I am looking forward to except to say I survived a year when I didn't think I would.
This month both Stefanie and Meg graduate. The first of many life events that will happen without Bryan. I am so happy and happy for my nieces. Its so hard because I want him there to tell them how proud he is of them. He loved both of them so much. He thought of both them more as sisters. He would have protected and beat up any boy that ever hurt them. I want to hear him give them a hard time and tell them how smart they think they are and how no boy will ever be good enough for them. Stef and Meg, Bryan would be so proud and loved you both so much. He would tell you both to go after your dreams and don't look back. Don't stop till you have reached the stars!
Since it is Mother's Day I decided to end this post on a happy not and with a happy memory or Bryan me and Krystal
When we were living in Peoria, money was tight but the kids had asked if we could go out to lunch for Mother's Day. I said we could but we would have to go somewhere inexpensive and get the cheapest thing on the menu. We chose applebys. While we were waiting to be seated Bryan went to get something from the car. When Bryan was out the door, a gentleman that was leaving asked to talk to Bryan. He asked Bryan if I was a single Mom. Bry said "yes my dad died when I was small." The guy gave him money and told him to treat me to a good Mother's Day lunch and to get me some flowers.
Bryan came back and said we can order whatever we want and get dessert. He then asked if I would take him to Walmart after lunch. I said we can't get whatever we want I don't have enough money for a big dinner. He told me about the gentleman that gave him money. He wouldn't tell me how much he gave him. I took him to walmart and he and Krystal bought flowers and a present for me. Bryan later told me he spent all but $2 for dinner and the presents. He then gave me the change. If you knew Bryan he never gave me back the change! One of the best Mother's Days ever!
There is a lot going on in the next few weeks and months.Mother's Day of course, I have to face to first 2 life events in the family since Bryan died. I am going to Utah and for the first time in 10 years he won't be there to hang out with. Bryan's birthday is in June as well as Father's Day. I know what youre thinking why is Father's Day a big deal. He used to wish me a Happy Father's Day saying I was the best mom and dad he could have! Then the 1 year mark in July. Not a day I am looking forward to except to say I survived a year when I didn't think I would.
This month both Stefanie and Meg graduate. The first of many life events that will happen without Bryan. I am so happy and happy for my nieces. Its so hard because I want him there to tell them how proud he is of them. He loved both of them so much. He thought of both them more as sisters. He would have protected and beat up any boy that ever hurt them. I want to hear him give them a hard time and tell them how smart they think they are and how no boy will ever be good enough for them. Stef and Meg, Bryan would be so proud and loved you both so much. He would tell you both to go after your dreams and don't look back. Don't stop till you have reached the stars!
Since it is Mother's Day I decided to end this post on a happy not and with a happy memory or Bryan me and Krystal
When we were living in Peoria, money was tight but the kids had asked if we could go out to lunch for Mother's Day. I said we could but we would have to go somewhere inexpensive and get the cheapest thing on the menu. We chose applebys. While we were waiting to be seated Bryan went to get something from the car. When Bryan was out the door, a gentleman that was leaving asked to talk to Bryan. He asked Bryan if I was a single Mom. Bry said "yes my dad died when I was small." The guy gave him money and told him to treat me to a good Mother's Day lunch and to get me some flowers.
Bryan came back and said we can order whatever we want and get dessert. He then asked if I would take him to Walmart after lunch. I said we can't get whatever we want I don't have enough money for a big dinner. He told me about the gentleman that gave him money. He wouldn't tell me how much he gave him. I took him to walmart and he and Krystal bought flowers and a present for me. Bryan later told me he spent all but $2 for dinner and the presents. He then gave me the change. If you knew Bryan he never gave me back the change! One of the best Mother's Days ever!
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