For good

The last few night I have been missing Bryan.  The dreams of the last few times I saw him or talked to him, along with big waves of emotions have come back.  Not that they went away completely, the just weren't a prominent part of every moment and every place I go.

I went to Wicked with my girls on Sunday.  It was a fabulous play.  I had never seen it before.  I think it has moved up to my favorite.  As I was sitting in the audience before it started and during intermission I keep thinking of the first and only time I took Bryan to a Broadway Production.  I took him to Lion King in Salt Lake. I bought tickets for Krys, Bryan and me. not knowing if bryan would want to go or not and thinking I would probably end up taking my niece or sister if he bailed.  When I told him about the tickets his eyes lit up and he was almost insulted when I told him he didn't have to go, I could invite someone else to go with me.  I couldn't get tickets all together there was 2 seats together and one seat a few rows in front.  Bryan volunteered to sit by himself.  The guy next to us offered his seat to Bryan.  Bryan was so happy he could sit by me.  It was always the little things that would make his day.  Watching Bryan and Krystal watch the show was such a great Mom moment.  I loved both the both of the kids reactions and how they were both so mesmerized by the acting and music.  I remember how he posted on facebook "a thug like me is going to the other side and going to be with the high society."  I held it together though until towards the end when they sang "For Good".  Then tears came to my eyes because they were singing it to me.  I know because of Bryan I am a better mom, and I was changed for good because I knew him, because I was blessed to be his Mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

Last night was pretty rough as well.  Every time I fell asleep I would dream of him, they were the same dreams I have been having since July 15 but they wouldn't stop and I kept waking up shortly after I fell asleep.  I went upstairs and got the blanket I got for him for his last Christmas.  There is really nothing special about it but that it is really soft and it was his. I wrapped it around me and went to bed.  It was almost like he was wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug, almost like sleeping with him when he was little and he was sick but this time it was me that need him not the other way around. I don't know what it is about a blanky that can make things better but the big brown blanket made me feel loved by my boy.  It also makes me miss him so much.  How I wish I could turn the hands of the clock back to the time when he slept with me when he was sick, how there was no place that could make him feel better than being in my bed with my arms around him.

Things to do for a grieving mom

I saw a blog the other day on what to do for a new mom that inspired me to write a blog on what to do for a grieving Mom. I have talked with a few other mom who have lost a child and some of the feelings and thought are the same as mine.  I am not an expert but I know what helps me get through those tough moments.


 
1. You don't have to know what to say a simple "I am sorry" will work.
2.  Listen to her.  Let her tell the same story or her experience over and over again.  She doesn't get to make new memories and she is processing everything by telling you her experience.
3. Cry with her
4. Don't wait for to ask or call you for help or support. Drop by her house with a treat or lunch for her  and offer her support
5. Come over to help her do her everyday chores (laundry, dishes, vacuuming,)
6. Text, call or leave her messages to let her know you are thinking about her.  She feels alone and overwhelmed.
7. Bring her meals in disposable dishes so she doesn't have to worry about getting them back to you.  If you bring paper plates and disposable silver she won't have to worry about the dishes for one night.
8. Offer to go do errands with her.  Gets her out of the house and gives her support if she gets overwhelmed and looses it.
9. Give her a reason to get out of bed.
10. Help her remember the little things.
11. Continue to shower her love long after her loss.
12.  Try to remember on her hard days (holidays, anniversary dates, birthdays hers and her child's,  Mother's day etc.
13 Give her a gift card for take out for the days she just too overwhelmed to think of dinner.
14. Tell her she is a wonderful mom.
15. Give her a memory box for her small tokens, flowers from the funeral, cards, programs.
16 Give her a present that she can keep and that will remind her of her child (an ornament, nick    knack, a picture.
17 If she has older kids offer her a day that you take them and pick them up from their activities.
18. Give her a bouquet of flowers for no reason
19. Share your memories of her child with her.
20. Tell her she has not gone crazy when she can't remember anything.
21. Make her a play list of  encouraging songs or Mom songs
22. Tell her its OK for to have a good time with her child
23 Don't tell her child is with a loved one in Heaven.  She wants her child with her.
24. Don't take anything personal when she is grieving
25 Don't tell her how strong she is or God wouldn't give this trial.  She doesn't feel strong and she doesn't need any other reason to blame herself for her child dying.
26. Laugh with her even if it seems an inappropriate time for laughing
27 Don't judge her when she laughs or cries at inappropriate times.
28. Be willing to leave when she suddenly looses it while you are out with her
29. Understand the emotional wave can hit at anytime
30. Send her a random card
31. Help her write the thank you notes from the funeral.
32. Don't expect her to "get back to normal"
33.  Remind her she is not alone.
34.  Don't become uncomfortable when when talks about her child
35.  Give her scriptures and encouraging quotes, and poems

Still....

Still...

miss miss him.
expect a phone call.
want a different ending
need to hear "Mom I love you"
want to hear "Mom I need money."
want to call him to tell him to come down for a visit
want to hear "I'm aw ight"
crying
my heart is breaking
want him to remembered in a good way
want him to tell me everything will be ok
want to smell my boy
see his face
see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles
want him to hug me
want to hear about his adventures
want to hear about his girlfriends
need closure
get insomnia thinking of him
don't want to get out of bed
break down at the mention of his name'
want to tell him to pull up his pants
want to hear about the girls in his life
want him to tell me what a pain his sister is
want him to play pranks on us
wish I had him here
want him back
want the pain to take a breather
want to be a normal mom again
do want to answer all the questions
want answers
want my baby boy back

don't understand