Wow! Its almost here. So much to be thankful for but so many wishes and sadness at the same time. Its been about 3 weeks since I posted on this blog. It seems like forever. I can't tell you how much I miss my smiling wonderful boy.
Bryan,
My dear sweet boy. It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left. I don't understand the choices you made. I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15. There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain. Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction. I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life. I am not going to dwell on that in this letter. Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.
I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years. In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for. The years weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them. You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them. If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel.
I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did. I keep those memories alive and most of them still make me smile. There have been a few things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile. There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.
You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life. It wasn't exactly easy raising you. There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you. You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it. You even threw chairs at your teacher. When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was. I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.
You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me. I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it. Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!" When I heard that I knew you were up to something.
Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life. In a way I grew up with you. I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys. You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation. No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together." You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."
So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win). I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel. That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad. I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.
Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours. I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again. I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one. I really want you to meet this one." There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Especially now that Christmas boxers are out. I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.
Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile. I am glad I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you. I love you so much it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy. You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.
Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry. I need my sunshine.
I love you this much and more.
Mom
