That time of year is here again

As I have said before, Halloween starts one of the time of year I miss Bryan even more than normal.  Halloween starts my Holiday season. Bryan loved dressing up, trick or treating and all the free candy. I think he found a way to go trick or treating every year, even if it was to go with a little kid so he could get candy.

This year is so much different, I spent yesterday with my favorite one year old grand daughter, Ily.  I could have sworn Bryan was sitting at the table telling Ily to act goofy.  As she sat there doing raspberries with water in her mouth and telling me no no no.  I wanted to catch her spitting water on video and don't you know every time the camera came out she would stop.  I kept thinking how Bryan would have laughed at her. No I did not tell her to stop. She also made me laugh when she threw a fit when she didn't get her way. It was so much fun spending the day with her and laughing at her even smiling when I thought of how much Bry would love his niece. David, I think Krystal is right, Bryan's curse was passed to you.  She is so much like Krystal and Bryan.  

This year I am also leaving on a cruise with my sister.  I am so excited.  He would want me to have such a great time. Of course I think he would have tried to convince Lori to take him.  So instead of remembering him with tears, this year I am able to smile and laugh when I remember him.  I miss him so much. 

3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.  

2 1/2 years later

2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell.  It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had.  A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or  say I wouldn't have it any other way.  If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.

My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles.  Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life.  Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death.  Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward.  That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.

I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty.   I can feel other  emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving.  I care again.  There is and probably always be times I want to "just die."  But it's not every minute hour day or week.  I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday.  It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.

After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine.  I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life.  Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.

Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth.   I love you Bryan.  You are free.