2 1/2 years later

2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell.  It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had.  A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or  say I wouldn't have it any other way.  If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.

My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles.  Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life.  Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death.  Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward.  That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.

I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty.   I can feel other  emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving.  I care again.  There is and probably always be times I want to "just die."  But it's not every minute hour day or week.  I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday.  It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.

After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine.  I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life.  Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.

Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth.   I love you Bryan.  You are free.