1 year

Bryan,

Its been a year since you died.  What a year it has been.  This has been the toughest year of my life.  They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  I don't know if I agree with that or not.  I don't feel very strong, if anything I feel weak and vulnerable.  There is so much to say. so many feelings I want to let you know about I just don't know if I am going to be able to write them all down and express them they way I want to.



This year I was the lowest I have ever been.  During the year I was probably certifiably crazy.  If I could have I think I would have chosen to die so many times.  I prayed God would just take me because the hole you left is just too big.  The ache is overwhelming.  The valleys are so high and the peaks weren't much higher. But thanks to friends and family that woulds let me give up and kept praying for me I made through the year.  Honestly there is not a moment that I don't think about you.  You have consumed my brain. 


I have felt more alone most of the time.  There are a lot of people around me.  There are a lot of them that say I can call when I get to that point.  I haven't called many.  I don't want to bother them.  Everyone has their problems and my problems don't need to be theirs.  Although I appreciate all of those people and love them, and wouldn't have made it through the year without their prayers and their phone calls at just the right moment.

At the beginning I thought you dying would make a path to a better relationship with my family but it hasn't.  It has probably made it worse.  We don't argue or fight anymore,  In fact we really don't even really talk much.  I talked to Grandma last night only because Grandpa went into the hospital.The last time I talked to Lori was when I went up Meg's graduation and even then we didn't really talk.  We were cordial but it didn't go much beyond that.  I know a lot of the reason is I pushed them away because of the guilt I feel.  I was blamed for you starting drugs, if it was my fault you started drugs then its my fault you died.  They also all think I gave up on you.  I took my problem and ran away.  Maybe I did in some aspects but that is not what I wanted to do.

I miss you so much!!  I miss you smart  remarks, you picking on your sister, your smile, your puppy dog eyes.  I miss you making me laugh when I was so mad at you I could shake you.  I miss your primping, and the phone calls when you say "mommmmmy,  I looooove you."  Only for me to ask what you what you want and you telling me "nothing just buttering you up for the next time I need you."  I miss your play by play in movies, and you calling me with the stats on football and basketball.  I miss your debating and your optimism.  I miss you ratting your sister out and your over bearing over protection of her.  I miss hearing the adventures of you and Dave.  I miss being the mediator between you and your girlfriend,  I miss you telling me you have yet another girlfriend I miss the sound of your voice and your smell.  I miss the phone calls telling me you were in trouble with Grandma and Grandpa.  The list goes on!!  I miss you getting so mad when I said Krys was my favorite and you lighting up like a Christmas tree when I said you were my favorite.

You missed a lot this year.  You missed Grandma Burt getting married, Steffanie and Megan graduating, Josh going into the service, Heather getting on her high school dance team, Kyle's first car.  Grandpa starting to teach college, all of my job changes,all of Krystal misadventures and there is so much more.

As I write this there are tears streaming down my face.  I know nothing unusual.  I have to say you made an impact on me and on so many others.  Some of your friends have cleaned up, and are off of drugs and making a better life for themselves.  You would be so proud of them and would have been encouraging them along their journey.  Your friends often are writing me or calling me to tell me they are thinking of you and to tell me of one of your adventures.  You made an impact on their lives as well.

Your life may not have been very long but you will always be remembered.  My little sunshine is still shining.

I love you the "mostest mostest mostest"


Love,
Mom