I will start this by saying please no one take offense in what I say in this blog. It is probably not directed at you in particular but in people in general. This last week or so I have discovered many pet peeves. I think I am entering the angry, frustrated, and annoyed stage of the grieving process. It really doesn't take much to make me annoyed, frustrated or angry. Supposedly this is a normal phase but I am not to sure I like it much. With that being said I will say again if you are reading this don't take anything personal. As the old saying goes "It's me not you."
I have found I don't like being alone in the house when the kids are at school and Stuart's at work. I find myself going to Wal-mart or Target a lot just to wonder. I am really not shopping for anything, I am just there to waste time so I am not home alone. Do you know how many Target associates ask me if I am finding everything I need I think I must look lost and dazed. These people come out of the wood work. No matter what isle I am on or what I am looking at I will hear "Are you finding everything you need?" or " Can I help you find anything?" I know they are suppose to ask but really someone just asked me the same question 5 seconds ago and I have been there everyday for a month. If I am having trouble finding something I will ask.
I have also discovered I really hated the question "how are you?" I know everyone is concerned but I don't know how to answer it. I know my friends and family want to hear the truth but I am almost sure all of you are tired of hearing "I am ok and it comes in waves". Both statements are true most of the time. I havent ever told people what I am really thinking when I am having a bad moment. Sometimes what I really want to say is "how do you think I am? or It hurts so much I want to scream and then take someone out. If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias when Sally Field says something to the effect that she just wants to hit someone hard enough for them to feel as much pain as she does. That would some up my feelings a lot of times. When the question comes from someone that really doesn't care how I am or doesn't really want to know. I want to call them on. I want to ask why they are asking if they don't care in the first place? Then there are the people that ask knowing I am having a crappy day, but don't really want to know I am having a crappy day. I can see the deer in the headlight look, in their face.They really don't want me to say anything except I am good. Either they are afraid of the truth or that I might break down in front of them and would have to deal with it. If you don't want to know...... Don't ask!
The last pet peeve I will write is all about my missing brain. Since Bry died my brain has been missing in action which I hear is another normal process but I want my brain back as small as it was. When I explain to you what I mean many of will say you have the same experience because we are getting old. Which is true. Lately my forgetting things and tasks is at least 10 times worse than it has ever been. I can't remember anything. If I think of something I need to do, if I don't do the task the second I am thinking it, it doesnt get done. Then there is the I am going to go do a task, I start heading in that direction of the task and I forget what I am doing. I can even retrace my footsteps and I won't remember it. I know what I want to say but can't think of the words to say. It like my brain has swallowed the thought and the words. The thoughts and words have gone to the very deepest darkest part of my brain usually never to come out again until someone asks me about the task. Do you know how many times I have been asked only to say "Oh yeah" then start to do the task and forget again. I even come up with plans so I won't forget write a note put items in my path infront of me ect I will still forget.
My birthday was on Monday. My family and I celebrated on Sunday. It was a great day. We went out to a movie (which we left early which is another whole blog in itself) and out to eat. Then we came home so I could unwrap 70 yes I said 70 precious moments figurines. Plus I got curio cabinet to go with them. I love my family.
Monday wasn't as good. I woke up forgetting that Bryan was gone. I woke up in a great expectations thinking I would hear from Bryan only to remember I wouldn't hear my favorite words "mommy I love you." Yes both my older kids still call me Mommy. I have to say I love it. I had many well wishers which I appreciated but was very emotional when I received Happy Birthday from my adopted kids, mostly when I got them from Bryan's friends. However I am so glad they remembered and wished me a Happy Birthday.
Now that I have offended some of you and made some of you feel bad, let me just say I am grateful for each and every one of you that are in my life. Again "it's me, not me. I want to tell you this phase will pass eventuallly and I will get through it. For those that care keep asking the questions and someday I will be able to say truthfully I am good instead of just ok.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
August 15, the one month anniversary
There is so much I want to say but some of the words won't come. I am just going to say what is on my mind and hope I don't ramble too much. I must say this month has probably been one of the hardest of my life. I have shed many tears and I know there is many more that will be shed. I have had to start saying goodbye to my oldest child. I say start because I don't think I will ever be finished saying goodbye to him or tell him everything I want to. That is a process that is going to take the rest of my life. Although this month has been hard I have had many gifts and blessings too.
Last week was one of the hard weeks. It was a combination of my dear friend dying,knowing the one month anniversary was coming and my husband finishing the box that we put Bryan's ashes in. My friend, Joe, died from liver failure and had been sick awhile. I wanted to go visit with him while I was in Utah and he was in the hospital but didn't make it because I was kind of in my own crisis at the time. Someways it was a blessing I didn't see him. He had lost a lot of weight and was very thin. I get to remember Joe as the big loving guy that was there with a smile and hug whenever you needed him. I get to remember him laughing and playing with my older kids when they were young. I will always remember his smile and him always making me smile by acting like a kid.
The box for Bryan was finished last week and it kind of took me for surprise. Ok, it really knocked me on my butt. I wasn't ready to know that he is in the box. How can you be ready for your son to be in "his final resting place"? The box is beautiful and Stuart did a wonderful job making it. It looks great and would be wonderful if it wasn't meant for Bryan's ashes.Thanks Stuart for making the box as hard as it was I will cherish it forever. I have a love- hate relationship with the box. I am finding I have a love-hate relationship with many things, that I didn't know I had like with laughing, smiling, moving on with life, alone time, family time, pictures etc.
I have had an amazing amount of blessings and gifts that has come from this month. I have connected and reconnected with friends and family. The amount of love and support that has come from friends and family is amazing. God knows exactly when I need to hear or see people. He has placed many people in my path to let me know how much I am loved and how many people remember Bryan. I want to thank God for placing those people in my life and for the people that have come into my path. For each of you that has asked and really cared how I am doing, the people that have listened to me cried with me and has offered and followed through with the statement "if there is anything I can do.." Thanks to all of those that just did things for me and my family without us having to ask. Sometimes it's really hard to go to someone and ask take me away or I just can't function today could you help me with dinner, the housework, pray with me or stand beside me to support me while someone else is praying or can you just help me take the next breath because I can't.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Bryan will be forgotten by everyone except for me and the family, I pray this is not the case. I don't want him to be remember as the kid that overdosed either. There was the loving, caring, goofy, positive, happy go lucky side of him too. The side that could get out of trouble with a smile a laugh, or smart remark. I want people to know he wasn't a bad kid just a kid that made a lot of bad choices. A kid that loved and respected his mom and grandparents. The kid that wouldn't let his friends gang or no gang swear or be disrespectful in front of me.
As I move on into the next days, months and years to come I know I will have many more tears, more memories and most of all many blessings. Although I am broke and there is a huge part of me that is gone. The waves of sorrow and grief still hit. I still don't know when the waves will hit or what kind of wave they will be, a tsunami that will take a day or two to recover from, a wave that will know me down and will take a few waves before I can get back up again or just the wave that pushes me forward. I know something good will come out of the suffering and pain. I know I am strong and I will endure and by the grace of God I will be a better person and the person God has called me be. There will be beauty from his ashes.
Last week was one of the hard weeks. It was a combination of my dear friend dying,knowing the one month anniversary was coming and my husband finishing the box that we put Bryan's ashes in. My friend, Joe, died from liver failure and had been sick awhile. I wanted to go visit with him while I was in Utah and he was in the hospital but didn't make it because I was kind of in my own crisis at the time. Someways it was a blessing I didn't see him. He had lost a lot of weight and was very thin. I get to remember Joe as the big loving guy that was there with a smile and hug whenever you needed him. I get to remember him laughing and playing with my older kids when they were young. I will always remember his smile and him always making me smile by acting like a kid.
The box for Bryan was finished last week and it kind of took me for surprise. Ok, it really knocked me on my butt. I wasn't ready to know that he is in the box. How can you be ready for your son to be in "his final resting place"? The box is beautiful and Stuart did a wonderful job making it. It looks great and would be wonderful if it wasn't meant for Bryan's ashes.Thanks Stuart for making the box as hard as it was I will cherish it forever. I have a love- hate relationship with the box. I am finding I have a love-hate relationship with many things, that I didn't know I had like with laughing, smiling, moving on with life, alone time, family time, pictures etc.
I have had an amazing amount of blessings and gifts that has come from this month. I have connected and reconnected with friends and family. The amount of love and support that has come from friends and family is amazing. God knows exactly when I need to hear or see people. He has placed many people in my path to let me know how much I am loved and how many people remember Bryan. I want to thank God for placing those people in my life and for the people that have come into my path. For each of you that has asked and really cared how I am doing, the people that have listened to me cried with me and has offered and followed through with the statement "if there is anything I can do.." Thanks to all of those that just did things for me and my family without us having to ask. Sometimes it's really hard to go to someone and ask take me away or I just can't function today could you help me with dinner, the housework, pray with me or stand beside me to support me while someone else is praying or can you just help me take the next breath because I can't.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Bryan will be forgotten by everyone except for me and the family, I pray this is not the case. I don't want him to be remember as the kid that overdosed either. There was the loving, caring, goofy, positive, happy go lucky side of him too. The side that could get out of trouble with a smile a laugh, or smart remark. I want people to know he wasn't a bad kid just a kid that made a lot of bad choices. A kid that loved and respected his mom and grandparents. The kid that wouldn't let his friends gang or no gang swear or be disrespectful in front of me.
As I move on into the next days, months and years to come I know I will have many more tears, more memories and most of all many blessings. Although I am broke and there is a huge part of me that is gone. The waves of sorrow and grief still hit. I still don't know when the waves will hit or what kind of wave they will be, a tsunami that will take a day or two to recover from, a wave that will know me down and will take a few waves before I can get back up again or just the wave that pushes me forward. I know something good will come out of the suffering and pain. I know I am strong and I will endure and by the grace of God I will be a better person and the person God has called me be. There will be beauty from his ashes.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Time
Time is both a friend and and an enemy in my life right now. This love-hate relationship has been more clear to me since July 15 when I got the first dreaded phone call that Bryan had overdosed came. The phone call was from a police officer using my mom's phone. He left a message. Within 2 minutes of that call I recieved a text and phone call from my sister. I knew something was wrong. I don't get that many phone calls from Utah in that short amount of time without something being wrong.
From that moment in time, my relationship with time changed. Every second counted and it could not go by slow enough or fast enough for me. I wanted to get to him as fast as I could so I could maybe say goodbye and kiss him to make everything better. I also wanted time to go by slowly. The slower it passed the longer I had before I had to face reality.
Then in the airport the next dreaded call. Although I made this one to tell everyone I was able to get a flight and was on my way. Time had cheated me of seeing my son alive for the last time. It was too late. He would not be able to hear me say I love you, Bud. or "please don't go. I need you. I need my boy." I had to get on the plane. Time wasnt going to stop for me. Again I wanted time to go by fast and slow. Time was my protector from reality.
Time became my enemy again the next day when I went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements. I wanted a family viewing. I wanted to kiss him goodbye. I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to see and feel for myself he was gone. I wanted to feel that there was no pulse or no breathing. I was told that wouldn't be possible because the state was doing an autopsy. We had to have a viewing within 24 hours and it would take longer than that for the autopsy to be done. Ok no viewing for the family but I atleast wanted to see him. Againg that stupid 24 hour rule, I could only view him through glass. I could not touch him or kiss him goodbye. Time again robbed me of saying good bye the way I wanted to.
Now almost a month after Bryan died time is still my worst enemy and my best friend. Time will be my friend by dulling the pain. As time goes by it will be easier or at least that's what I am told. I don't think time can ever fill the emptiness or loneliness. It can only make its so it is a little duller and maybe it wont feel like I am being sucker punched. For that I will be grateful. Time also dulls the memories of the bad times and adds to the happy memories. Again I am grateful. Although time is my protector and dulls the pain which makes it a great friend, every second, minute, hour, day ect is one more that I have to find a new normal, one more that I won't hear from or be able to see my son. It is also one more before I get to see him again when my time on earth is done.
I have asked to have just 5 more minutes with him. I know it will never happen. Even if it did that time would become an enemy again.
From that moment in time, my relationship with time changed. Every second counted and it could not go by slow enough or fast enough for me. I wanted to get to him as fast as I could so I could maybe say goodbye and kiss him to make everything better. I also wanted time to go by slowly. The slower it passed the longer I had before I had to face reality.
Then in the airport the next dreaded call. Although I made this one to tell everyone I was able to get a flight and was on my way. Time had cheated me of seeing my son alive for the last time. It was too late. He would not be able to hear me say I love you, Bud. or "please don't go. I need you. I need my boy." I had to get on the plane. Time wasnt going to stop for me. Again I wanted time to go by fast and slow. Time was my protector from reality.
Time became my enemy again the next day when I went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements. I wanted a family viewing. I wanted to kiss him goodbye. I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to see and feel for myself he was gone. I wanted to feel that there was no pulse or no breathing. I was told that wouldn't be possible because the state was doing an autopsy. We had to have a viewing within 24 hours and it would take longer than that for the autopsy to be done. Ok no viewing for the family but I atleast wanted to see him. Againg that stupid 24 hour rule, I could only view him through glass. I could not touch him or kiss him goodbye. Time again robbed me of saying good bye the way I wanted to.
Now almost a month after Bryan died time is still my worst enemy and my best friend. Time will be my friend by dulling the pain. As time goes by it will be easier or at least that's what I am told. I don't think time can ever fill the emptiness or loneliness. It can only make its so it is a little duller and maybe it wont feel like I am being sucker punched. For that I will be grateful. Time also dulls the memories of the bad times and adds to the happy memories. Again I am grateful. Although time is my protector and dulls the pain which makes it a great friend, every second, minute, hour, day ect is one more that I have to find a new normal, one more that I won't hear from or be able to see my son. It is also one more before I get to see him again when my time on earth is done.
I have asked to have just 5 more minutes with him. I know it will never happen. Even if it did that time would become an enemy again.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Going back to work
I went to back on Sunday night and then worked Monday night. It was so much harder and so much easier than I thought. As many of you know I recently switched jobs from working in the Float Pool (I didn't have a home unit, I would go where ever they needed me in the areas of Pediatrics, Nursery and Post Partum) I basically worked with parents and babies. I move to work with just mommas and babies.
Going back wasn' difficult because of the moms or babies although if I were truely honest with myself i was a little jelious they are just starting the journey of life together as mom and child. I just ended that journey with Bryan. The hard part was the fear of the questions. I can do ok with the first two questions I knew would be asked "How many kids and what are their ages? It's the next question that is asked What is your older kids doing going to college, married, are they still living at home? That is the question that sends me reeling. I just cant bring myself to say My son just died or my oldest son died. That is just too much reality in my world. Because of my fear and my fragility in saneness. I found myself just going in the room to do a task and not to make any small talk. This for me is very sad because that is one reason I went to post partum was so I could have time to talk and get to know my patients and possibly help each mom be a better mom or just to ease their anxiousness. Because of my fear and my feeling of I was going to loose it each time i walked into a patients room, I have decided to go back to the float pool and mostly just adult nursing.
Going back was easier than I thought because of the wonderful women I work with. They don't know how much each hug and each how are you doing mean to me. They were giving me strength. They let me talk about Bryan. I am sure they are all bored with my telling the same stories but most of them at least pretend to be listening and will tell me again how sorry they are. They have welcomed me into their family. I am so blessed. That part will be very hard to leave.
In the last 2 1/2 weeks I have made mor life altering decisions that I usually do in 5 years. I have decided to go back to school to change careers to a counelor and I have decided to change jobs again. I have many personal decissions as well that I am just not comfortable talking about yet. I so hope out of the change, all of the sadness and grief that something good will come out of my son's death. I hope parents realize just how lucky they are to have their kids and learn to take joy in even kids being difficult. I hope kids that read this realize just how much they are loved and mean to their parents. Parents and kids will always make mistakes but know they are doing the very best they can at the given moment. Remember to take a deep breath and hug your family.
Going back wasn' difficult because of the moms or babies although if I were truely honest with myself i was a little jelious they are just starting the journey of life together as mom and child. I just ended that journey with Bryan. The hard part was the fear of the questions. I can do ok with the first two questions I knew would be asked "How many kids and what are their ages? It's the next question that is asked What is your older kids doing going to college, married, are they still living at home? That is the question that sends me reeling. I just cant bring myself to say My son just died or my oldest son died. That is just too much reality in my world. Because of my fear and my fragility in saneness. I found myself just going in the room to do a task and not to make any small talk. This for me is very sad because that is one reason I went to post partum was so I could have time to talk and get to know my patients and possibly help each mom be a better mom or just to ease their anxiousness. Because of my fear and my feeling of I was going to loose it each time i walked into a patients room, I have decided to go back to the float pool and mostly just adult nursing.
Going back was easier than I thought because of the wonderful women I work with. They don't know how much each hug and each how are you doing mean to me. They were giving me strength. They let me talk about Bryan. I am sure they are all bored with my telling the same stories but most of them at least pretend to be listening and will tell me again how sorry they are. They have welcomed me into their family. I am so blessed. That part will be very hard to leave.
In the last 2 1/2 weeks I have made mor life altering decisions that I usually do in 5 years. I have decided to go back to school to change careers to a counelor and I have decided to change jobs again. I have many personal decissions as well that I am just not comfortable talking about yet. I so hope out of the change, all of the sadness and grief that something good will come out of my son's death. I hope parents realize just how lucky they are to have their kids and learn to take joy in even kids being difficult. I hope kids that read this realize just how much they are loved and mean to their parents. Parents and kids will always make mistakes but know they are doing the very best they can at the given moment. Remember to take a deep breath and hug your family.
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