2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell. It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had. A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or say I wouldn't have it any other way. If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.
My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles. Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life. Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death. Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward. That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.
I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty. I can feel other emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving. I care again. There is and probably always be times I want to "just die." But it's not every minute hour day or week. I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday. It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.
After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine. I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life. Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.
Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth. I love you Bryan. You are free.
