3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.