For good

The last few night I have been missing Bryan.  The dreams of the last few times I saw him or talked to him, along with big waves of emotions have come back.  Not that they went away completely, the just weren't a prominent part of every moment and every place I go.

I went to Wicked with my girls on Sunday.  It was a fabulous play.  I had never seen it before.  I think it has moved up to my favorite.  As I was sitting in the audience before it started and during intermission I keep thinking of the first and only time I took Bryan to a Broadway Production.  I took him to Lion King in Salt Lake. I bought tickets for Krys, Bryan and me. not knowing if bryan would want to go or not and thinking I would probably end up taking my niece or sister if he bailed.  When I told him about the tickets his eyes lit up and he was almost insulted when I told him he didn't have to go, I could invite someone else to go with me.  I couldn't get tickets all together there was 2 seats together and one seat a few rows in front.  Bryan volunteered to sit by himself.  The guy next to us offered his seat to Bryan.  Bryan was so happy he could sit by me.  It was always the little things that would make his day.  Watching Bryan and Krystal watch the show was such a great Mom moment.  I loved both the both of the kids reactions and how they were both so mesmerized by the acting and music.  I remember how he posted on facebook "a thug like me is going to the other side and going to be with the high society."  I held it together though until towards the end when they sang "For Good".  Then tears came to my eyes because they were singing it to me.  I know because of Bryan I am a better mom, and I was changed for good because I knew him, because I was blessed to be his Mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

Last night was pretty rough as well.  Every time I fell asleep I would dream of him, they were the same dreams I have been having since July 15 but they wouldn't stop and I kept waking up shortly after I fell asleep.  I went upstairs and got the blanket I got for him for his last Christmas.  There is really nothing special about it but that it is really soft and it was his. I wrapped it around me and went to bed.  It was almost like he was wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug, almost like sleeping with him when he was little and he was sick but this time it was me that need him not the other way around. I don't know what it is about a blanky that can make things better but the big brown blanket made me feel loved by my boy.  It also makes me miss him so much.  How I wish I could turn the hands of the clock back to the time when he slept with me when he was sick, how there was no place that could make him feel better than being in my bed with my arms around him.