Price of drugs and miracles

There are so many thoughts rumbling through my head on what to write.  I have so many questions without answers and some of the questions the answers I come up with I don't like.

Its been more than 10 months since Bryan chose to take the heroin that took his life.  The last year as been rough to say the least.  At this time last year I was having frequent conversations with Bryan to please get into a drug rehab and that I would do what ever I could to pay for it.  His response to me was always the same "mom you don't have to worry.  I am not stupid I know what I am doing.i have everything under control."  This year has been a roller coaster. If I am honest with you and myself the roller coaster ride began long before that fateful day.  The roller coaster ride really began the first time Bryan chose to do his first hit, an/or his first drink.  I believe he was addicted after his very first time.  I can't prove it but that's my belief.  I have to continually tell myself it was his choice.  It may not have been his choice to die but he knew what the consequences could be from the first time he choose to do drugs.  I was the parent that always had the conversations that other parents didn't want to have.  I answered the questions and gave truthful answers.I was also the parent that many of my kids friends would come talk to because they knew I would be honest with them.  Bryan knew what drugs and alcohol could do to a person and how it could affect the lives of others around him.

The drugs he took robbed him, me and my family of many memories that will never come to pass.  I never got to see my son graduate from high school, get married, or have kids.  I will never be called Grandma by a little boy that looks and talks like him.   I will never know what he chose as his career or see him excited about a promotion. They robbed Bryan of things that he would have loved to be a part of, his Grandma's remarriage, seeing his cousins graduate, seeing his little sisters get married possibly even walking Krystal down the isle.  He will never get the chance to call me old again.  Instead of the happy memories that could have been, his family, friends and I get to remember the phone calls from jail, wondering where he was when no one could get a hold of him and yes we get the memory of how we found out he overdosed and was no longer with us.   Drugs stole his common sense He couldn't handle and didn't have it under control.  Not that I ever thought he did when it came to him doing drugs.

I often ask God what makes him decided who and what miracles he gives to people.  I know several people that have received miracles but not the miracles they wanted.  I got a miracle that my child is never going to have to fight the demon of drugs again but the miracle I wanted was my son off of drugs and he was a true success story.  He had a family and a career and helped people with their addictions.  I have a friend that got a miracle he son lived and is functional after jumping off a bridge. Only to have her son still addicted to those nasty drugs.  Now she wonders what changes the next phone call will have in store for her.  I don't think that is exactly the miracle she was looking for.  I have another friend that her grandson had a fence fall on him that left him with brain damage and now she gets to watch her grandson and daughter and son in law wonder what other changes tomorrow will bring.  I am pretty sure that is not the miracle they wanted. I am not saying that me or the others would change our miracles.  These miracles have taught us to rely on God, made us stronger and have made us who we are and are continually changing us into who God wants us to be. 

I am not mad at Bryan or at God.  I just have questions with no answers.  I guess someday when I get to the pearly gates I will have the answers but for now I will keep asking the questions.  I will keep telling Bryan's story so maybe one time when someone is making a decision to do drugs or not the answer will be to not do them.  Maybe he will think of Bry for just a half a second and decide to walk away.