Its been 2 weeks ago today since Bryan died. I can honestly say its been the hardest, longest two weeks of my life. Its hard to put into words what I am feeling. Part of me is relieved that Bryan died I know to some of you, you think thats harsh and wonder how can a mom be relieved that her son is gone. Bryan was into so many drugs and emotional pain it was hard to see. Not to mention the gang activity he was involved in. In his last 30 days on this earth he was stabbed, was in jail and beat up. I no longer worry about the dreaded phone call and what will be said and although the circumstances are horrendous I have my baby boy home with me (or at least his ashes are here).No one can influence him in negative ways, no more, drugs to get away from his pain, no more phone calls, no more getting jumped or beat up and he is not longer participating in those activies.
There is a part that is mad as Hell at him and that part wants answers to all the why's. Not that I will ever get any answers to those answers and I guess the best answer is why not?
The other part of me is just dreadfully sad and depressed. I want him back. I want a text from him that says "what cha doin?" or to hear him tell me he loves me. I want to see his smile and sparkle in his eyes. I want to hear his smart remarks and I want him to make me laugh like only he could.
These last two weeks have been the hardest there is a lot regrets and a lot of pain. His dad died 21 years ago, I thought that was tough but its nothing to what I am going through now!!
Trish, I am so so sorry for your loss and pain! I can't even begin to imagine all the thoughts and feeling you must be experiencing. I myself was not prepared for the emotions just reading your blog post brought out in me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and for the reminder to a Mom, who sometimes should choose not to let things turn into a battle, that I should be grateful that over all I have been blessed with amazing people for my children.
I need to remember that things could always be worse, and that I need to just be glad for the messes that they make sometimes, if for no other reason than to remind me that they are there.
I am shedding a few tears for you today and hope that you can feel the love of a stranger being sent your way! Jana Parker
Trish,
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for you..for peace and strength. I think that your decision to go back to school for counseling for substance abuse is a great one. You helped me so much by sharing Bryan's story with me. I thought that I was alone in what I was going through with Jake. When I first met you at Chandler (how many years ago..) you shared with me about Bryan and I felt better knowing that I could talk to someone who understood what being a mother with a troubled son was all about. You love them but so hate the choices they make in their life.
I hope that with each day life will seem just a little bit brighter and you will gain the strength you need to get through. Please call me if you need anything. I would love to take you to lunch in the near future. I also miss seeing and working with you.
Bonnie R.