The new year

As the 2012 starts, I know it will be filled with bittersweet memories.  I will make many new good memories and there will be many memories from the past.  this year will also be a year of  getting through a whole year with Bryan. The new year started about a week ago.  the thought of a year with out Bryan is almost overwhelming.  I have the awful month of Febuary, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and then the holidays to look forward too.With each day, week, month, and holiday that passes, it is one more I make it with out Bryan and one more day of memories that I make with my friends, family and loved ones.  In my brain, I know Bryan is in a better place and he has gone to his permanent homebut thatt knowledge hasn't reached my  heart yet.  The brain and heart is going to take a lot of time before they are on the same page

This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok".  She then said, it seems you are doing great.  It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well.  With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time."  I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor."  If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree.  I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had.  I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of  Bryan.  My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.

As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing?  Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him.  And if he is 26 that too is wierd.  And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again.   I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are?  This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.

As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it.  Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown.  However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile.  2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)