Early Christmas presents

As most of you know by now especially if you are friends with me on facebook, that Bryan was an extra on the Disney Channel's Good Luck Charlie's Christmas episode.  The episode aired for the first time Friday night.  As the day was nearing I became very apprehensive.  I really didn't want to start a spiral downward.  I have been coping pretty well for the last couple of weeks.  I didn't know if seeing Bryan in the show would be one of my emotional triggers.  At the same time there is no way I was going to miss it. This episode was filmed about six weeks before Bryan died.

I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him.  It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet.  I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show.  Then I saw him.  It was very fast the first time.  It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies.  Then I saw him a couple more times.  I haven't been that excited in a long time. 

Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do.  I think I am still on a happy high.  What an incredible Christmas gift I was given.  I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun!  He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love.  The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you."   Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again.  I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me)  Which in itself is another gift!!

Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations.  I do not know how it got there.  I haven't seen it in years.  I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa.  Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan.  Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time.  I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.

Thanksgiving

Wow!  Its almost here.  So much to be thankful for but so many wishes and sadness at the same time.  Its been about 3 weeks since I posted on this blog.  It seems like forever.  I can't tell you how much I miss my smiling wonderful boy.

Bryan,

My dear sweet boy.  It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left.  I don't understand the choices you made.  I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15.  There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain.  Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction.  I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life.  I am not going to dwell on that in this letter.  Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.

I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years.  In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for.  The years  weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them.  You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them.  If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel. 

I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did.  I keep those memories alive and most of them still make  me smile.  There have been a few  things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile.  There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.

You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life.  It wasn't exactly easy raising you.  There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you.  You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it.  You even threw chairs at your teacher.  When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was.  I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.

You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me.  I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it.  Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!"  When I heard that I knew you were up to something.

Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life.  In a way I grew up with you.  I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys.  You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation.  No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together."  You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."

So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win).  I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel.  That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad.  I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.

Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours.  I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again.  I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one.  I really want you to meet this one."  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  Especially now that Christmas boxers are out.  I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.

Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile.  I am glad  I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you.  I love you so much it hurts.  Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy.  You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.

Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry.  I need my sunshine.

I love you this much and more.

Mom

It has started

Today is Halloween, one of Bryan's favorite holidays.  He loved to get dressed up, go trick or treating and just get candy.  I am pretty sure he went trick or treating every year he could.  He probably even went last year at 24 years old.  I would tell he "you're too old to go trick or treating, you need to let the little kids get the candy."  His response was "you're never too old for candy, and I am a little kid at heart, Mommy." What can you say to that. 

Today starts my holiday season.  As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping.  This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions.  This year is so different.  Like each day of the last 3 months has been different.  I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel.  I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them.  I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior.  He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months. 

In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away.  The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.

My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger.  In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions.  I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him.  He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need.  he doesn't understand everything and neither do I.  I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity.  He is still here!! 

My other three kids have been amazing as well.  Krystal tries so hard to be strong.  I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know.  I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine.  I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her.  Kyle is my goofy kid.  He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so.  Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold.  She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok.  As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now.  I am not able to support them emotionally.  I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.

I am always amazed at how my blog turns out.  Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing.  It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would.  It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined.  I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.

So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past.  There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings.  I just have to look harder for them this year.  The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible. 

Extreme emotions

I already typed this and spent a lot of time on it, however, when I hit publish, it disappeared into the never, never land of cyber space. I am going to try to remember everything that was in my blog but with my memory lately I am sure everything will not be like it was before. Which in the last three months, I have learned change can be good, bad or both.

It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.

The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.

The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?"  The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis.  We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur.  This process is so painful

The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.

I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed.  I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.

I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development.  I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like.   I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.

Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?

Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me.  The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.

Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.

I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,

I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.

Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.

Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.

Grief letter

Dear Friends and Family,

The last two months, since the loss of Bryan, has been the most difficult time of my life.  It has been more difficult than I could have imagined.  I miss Bryan more every day.  This process is going to take me a long time to get through, sometimes it feels like it is going to last forever. 

Thank you for being there and supporting me during this time. I ask that you continue to support me through this process.  There will be unexpected tears, times of me being psycho, I willl be angry for no reason and I am sure I will make you uncomfortable with my tears, rage and my repeating the same memories of him.  I am processing the loss.  I don't apolagize for these behaviors it is normal and me going through the process.  I don't need to fix me .  I just need you to listen and be there for me.  I need your love, understanding and patience.  You don't have to have the answers to the questions I am asking, and you don't have to know what to say to me.  The things that help the most are a caring glance, a hug or listening to me, and its ok to cry with me. 

When I start to withdrawl, please dont let me for too long. Reach out to me, dont let me lock myself up inside.  Call me, get me out of my house, a morning walk, lunch a movie, a workout anything.  Its not good for me to be alone all the time. Don't wait for me to call you since most of the time too tired or tearful and I don't want to impose on you and your family. Please don't ask me to make any decissions my brain is mush and I can't think.  Help me think through my decissions so I don't make any rash decissions.  I am doing a lot of that lately.

Continue to pray for me and my family.  Pray that we will accept Bryan's death, and I will continue to feel God's love and comfort.  Pray that we will all find something good that comes from all of this.  It does help to know you are praying for me.

The loss of Bryan is painful and is the worst thing I have ever had to go through.  But I will survive and eventually be stronger than I was before. I know that I will always feel this way. I know there will be joy in the morning. 

Thank you for caring about me.  Thanks for listening to me and praying for me.  Your caring and concern comforts me and is a true gift from God.  He has given me a great support system.

Love you always,
Trish

2 monthes

On Thursday will be the 2 month anniversary of Bryan's death.  Unlike most anniversaries, I don't look forward to these.  I will have them for the rest of my life.  People still ask "how I am?" the honest answer is I don't know.  I don't know what is normal and what is not.  I am trying to find a new "normal" life but there is nothing normal or natural anymore.  There are still days I want to stay in bed, I still cry almost everyday and I still expect to hear from him on certain days.  I still have to remind myself sometimes that he is gone.

When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself.  In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever.  I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs.  I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom.  I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough?  Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him?   I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather.   I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?  

Krystal is making her way through life.  It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there.  But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much?  Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am.  Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself.  All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me.  Overall she is doing pretty well I think.  I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.

Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan.  I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me.  I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs.  I am trying but I have a long way to go.

Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife.  He never knows what he is going to walk in to.  A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life.  He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave.  I know this is tough on him and our marriage.  Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme.  I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.

There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months,  Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy.  I have put the link to the video to both.  Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it.  Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me.  He loved me and he knew right and wrong.  This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs

the wave dream

Here it comes again.  I feel it.  Hope it isn't a tsunami.try to change what I am thinking.  What am I thinking of? Its too late.  Prepare myself.  Take deep breaths.  It's here before I am ready. the tears have started.  I am starting to really loose it. The conversation with myself starts.  "You can do this.  You have made it through all the other ones." The wave is pulling me under.  I am in over my head. Conversation with myself continues.  "I can't do this.  Its too big  Yes you can do this you don't have choice. Take deep breath."  The lights are going out. I can't breath,  I can't think. conversation with self.  "I can't breath.  Stay calm You can get through this..Remain calm? have you taken a look at yourself?  Its a little too late for calm."  I am going deeper.  It s so dark.  I wonder how long this one will last and if this is the only one for awhile.  I can't see.  People are saying my name but I am in a fog nothing is sinking in.  I still can't breath or see anything.  I keep swimming but don't know which way is up or down.  Conversation with self  "You gotta fight.  keep swimming. It is the only way out. You'll make it."     "I don't want to make I don't want to fight anymore.  I can't do this.  Cant you see this is too much for one person."  Please God help me."  So dark. I feel I am in a box in the bottom of the sea.  No way out. Keep bumping into thing.  I still here people calling me.  I can hear "mom this way" in another direction I can hear "Trish this way." yet in another direction I can hear "just take my hand."  Where's the hand that is being offered me I don't see I don't feel. " Please God get me out of here."  I have stifled the conversation with myself. She has given up as well. Everything is quiet there are no voices except for a male voice.  "Take my hand, my daughter I have you. You must trust me.  It's your only way out.  Follow my voice and take my hand!"  I am swimming toward the voice I am starting to feel I can breath again. Its still so dark.  "Take my hand,  it is right in front of you.  I reach for a hand, I still can't see it.  He said it is right in front of me.  He grabs my hand.  He pulls me out into an embrace. He sets me on his lap.Strokes my hair. I can breath.  I can see.  It is light again.  The voice says,  "I will never leave you, I will always be with you.  You are not going through this alone.  I  too have had a son die.  Trust me.  Rely on me. You don't have to be the strong one.  That's what I am here for."

Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days.  All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up.  I think it sends a message for all of.  When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help.  He will be the strong one we don't have to be.  In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days.  The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit.  He never gives us too much that we can't handle it.  He doesn't expect for us to do it alone.  We just have to let him intervene.