It has started

Today is Halloween, one of Bryan's favorite holidays.  He loved to get dressed up, go trick or treating and just get candy.  I am pretty sure he went trick or treating every year he could.  He probably even went last year at 24 years old.  I would tell he "you're too old to go trick or treating, you need to let the little kids get the candy."  His response was "you're never too old for candy, and I am a little kid at heart, Mommy." What can you say to that. 

Today starts my holiday season.  As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping.  This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions.  This year is so different.  Like each day of the last 3 months has been different.  I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel.  I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them.  I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior.  He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months. 

In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away.  The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.

My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger.  In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions.  I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him.  He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need.  he doesn't understand everything and neither do I.  I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity.  He is still here!! 

My other three kids have been amazing as well.  Krystal tries so hard to be strong.  I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know.  I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine.  I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her.  Kyle is my goofy kid.  He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so.  Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold.  She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok.  As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now.  I am not able to support them emotionally.  I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.

I am always amazed at how my blog turns out.  Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing.  It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would.  It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined.  I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.

So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past.  There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings.  I just have to look harder for them this year.  The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible.