Extreme emotions

I already typed this and spent a lot of time on it, however, when I hit publish, it disappeared into the never, never land of cyber space. I am going to try to remember everything that was in my blog but with my memory lately I am sure everything will not be like it was before. Which in the last three months, I have learned change can be good, bad or both.

It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.

The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.

The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?"  The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis.  We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur.  This process is so painful

The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.

I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed.  I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.

I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development.  I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for.  What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like.   I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.

Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?

Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me.  The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.

Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.

I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,

I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.

Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.

Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.