On Thursday will be the 2 month anniversary of Bryan's death. Unlike most anniversaries, I don't look forward to these. I will have them for the rest of my life. People still ask "how I am?" the honest answer is I don't know. I don't know what is normal and what is not. I am trying to find a new "normal" life but there is nothing normal or natural anymore. There are still days I want to stay in bed, I still cry almost everyday and I still expect to hear from him on certain days. I still have to remind myself sometimes that he is gone.
When a tragedy like a death of a loved one. I think it is natural to question yourself. In the last two months I have questioned myself more than ever. I have done all the could have, should haves and the what ifs. I have asked myself if I really should have decided to be a mom. I have asked myself a million times what I could have done to prevent his death or prevented Bryan from walking down the path of gangs and drugs. Did I love him enough? Did I give him enough attention? Was i too hard on him or was hard enough on him? I ask these questions not just about Bryan but also about Krystal, Kyle and Heather. I ask these questions not only about my kids but my friends and family?
Krystal is making her way through life. It has taken her a little more time to grow up than most she is getting there. But there is still the questions am I doing enough or too much? Bryan and her were so close and she is as lost as I am. Sad thing is I know I am not much of support to her because I am barely getting through it myself. All my advice I give her sounds empty because almost all of it can be directed back to me. Overall she is doing pretty well I think. I hope she doesn't give up on God in the process of grieving.
Kyle and Heather didn't really know Bryan. I think the hard part for them is to see the changes in me. I have a hard time making it through the day I know I am not meeting their needs. I am trying but I have a long way to go.
Stuart has been wonderful dealing with his psychotic wife. He never knows what he is going to walk in to. A kind loving wife or one that is ready to give up on herself and everyone in her life. He is always there to do what needs to be done and let me rant and rave. I know this is tough on him and our marriage. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities and I am so extreme. I can only imagine what he thinks and feels.
There are 2 songs that I have clung to in the last few months, Blessings by Laura Story and runnin my momma crazy. I have put the link to the video to both. Blessings is kind of obvious why I like it. Runnin my Momma Crazy isn't so obvious. I was told by Bryan's best friends this is how he felt about me. He loved me and he knew right and wrong. This song gives me hope that Bryan thought I was a good Mom and I did what I could to raise him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2zhBz2ROXM&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs
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