the wave dream

Here it comes again.  I feel it.  Hope it isn't a tsunami.try to change what I am thinking.  What am I thinking of? Its too late.  Prepare myself.  Take deep breaths.  It's here before I am ready. the tears have started.  I am starting to really loose it. The conversation with myself starts.  "You can do this.  You have made it through all the other ones." The wave is pulling me under.  I am in over my head. Conversation with myself continues.  "I can't do this.  Its too big  Yes you can do this you don't have choice. Take deep breath."  The lights are going out. I can't breath,  I can't think. conversation with self.  "I can't breath.  Stay calm You can get through this..Remain calm? have you taken a look at yourself?  Its a little too late for calm."  I am going deeper.  It s so dark.  I wonder how long this one will last and if this is the only one for awhile.  I can't see.  People are saying my name but I am in a fog nothing is sinking in.  I still can't breath or see anything.  I keep swimming but don't know which way is up or down.  Conversation with self  "You gotta fight.  keep swimming. It is the only way out. You'll make it."     "I don't want to make I don't want to fight anymore.  I can't do this.  Cant you see this is too much for one person."  Please God help me."  So dark. I feel I am in a box in the bottom of the sea.  No way out. Keep bumping into thing.  I still here people calling me.  I can hear "mom this way" in another direction I can hear "Trish this way." yet in another direction I can hear "just take my hand."  Where's the hand that is being offered me I don't see I don't feel. " Please God get me out of here."  I have stifled the conversation with myself. She has given up as well. Everything is quiet there are no voices except for a male voice.  "Take my hand, my daughter I have you. You must trust me.  It's your only way out.  Follow my voice and take my hand!"  I am swimming toward the voice I am starting to feel I can breath again. Its still so dark.  "Take my hand,  it is right in front of you.  I reach for a hand, I still can't see it.  He said it is right in front of me.  He grabs my hand.  He pulls me out into an embrace. He sets me on his lap.Strokes my hair. I can breath.  I can see.  It is light again.  The voice says,  "I will never leave you, I will always be with you.  You are not going through this alone.  I  too have had a son die.  Trust me.  Rely on me. You don't have to be the strong one.  That's what I am here for."

Wow this is was a dream I had last weekend when I was having some very bad days.  All my thoughts were on Bryan and I kept falling deeper into the hole and wave of grief just wouldn't let up.  I think it sends a message for all of.  When are in the mist of chaos we just have to stop and ask God for help.  He will be the strong one we don't have to be.  In the last 6 weeks I can honestly say God and his grace and love that is getting me through these dark days.  The grief is too much and too big for me but God is bigger than the grief and waves that hit.  He never gives us too much that we can't handle it.  He doesn't expect for us to do it alone.  We just have to let him intervene.