Pet peeves

I will start this by saying please no one take offense in what I say in this blog.  It is probably not directed at you in particular but in people in general. This last week or so I have discovered many pet peeves.  I think I am entering the angry, frustrated, and annoyed stage of the grieving process.  It really doesn't take much to make me annoyed, frustrated or angry.  Supposedly this is a normal phase but I am not to sure I like it much.  With that being said I will say again if you are reading this don't take anything personal.  As the old saying goes "It's me not you."

I have found I don't like being alone in the house when the kids are at school and Stuart's at work.  I find myself going to Wal-mart or Target a lot just to wonder.  I am really not shopping for anything, I am just there to waste time so I am not home alone.  Do you know how many Target associates ask me if I am finding everything I need  I think I must look lost and dazed.  These people come out of the wood work.  No matter what isle I am on or what I am looking at I will hear "Are you finding everything you need?" or " Can I help you find anything?"  I know they are suppose to ask but really someone just asked me the same question 5 seconds ago and I have been there everyday for a month.  If I am having trouble finding something I will ask.

I have also discovered I really hated the question "how are you?"  I know everyone is concerned but I don't know how to answer it.  I know my friends and family want to hear the truth but I am almost sure all of you are tired of hearing "I am ok and it comes in waves". Both statements are true most of the time.  I havent ever told people what I am really thinking when I am having a bad moment.  Sometimes what I really want to say is "how do you think I am? or It hurts so much I want to scream and then take someone out.  If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias when Sally Field says something to the effect that she just wants to hit someone hard enough for them to feel as much pain as she does.  That would some up my feelings a lot of times. When the question comes from someone that really doesn't care how I am or doesn't really want to know. I want to call them on.  I want to ask why they are asking if they don't care in the first place?   Then there are the people that ask knowing I am having a crappy day, but don't really want to know I am having a crappy day.  I can see the deer in the headlight look, in their face.They really don't want me to say anything except I am good.  Either they are afraid of the truth or that I might break down in front of them and would have to deal with it.  If you don't want to know...... Don't ask! 

The last pet peeve I will write is all about my missing brain. Since Bry died my brain has been missing in action which I hear is another normal process but I want my brain back as small as it was. When I explain to you what I mean many of will say you have the same experience because we are getting old.  Which is true. Lately my forgetting things and tasks is at least 10 times worse than it has ever been.  I can't remember anything.  If I think of something I need to do, if I don't do the task the second I am thinking it, it doesnt get done.  Then there is the I am going to go do a task, I start heading in that direction of the task and I forget what I am doing.  I can even retrace my footsteps and I won't remember it. I know what I want to say but can't think of the words to say.   It like my brain has swallowed the thought and the words.  The thoughts and words have gone to the very deepest darkest part of my brain usually never to come out again until someone asks me about the task.  Do you know how many times I have been asked only to say "Oh yeah" then start to do the task and forget again.  I even come up with plans so I won't forget write a note put items in my path infront of me ect I will still forget.

My birthday was on Monday.  My family and I celebrated on Sunday.  It was a great day.  We went out to a movie (which we left early which is another whole blog in itself) and out to eat.  Then we came home so I could unwrap 70 yes I said 70 precious moments figurines.  Plus I got curio cabinet to go with them.  I love my family.

Monday wasn't as good.  I woke up forgetting that Bryan was gone.  I woke up in a great expectations thinking I would hear from Bryan only to remember I wouldn't hear my favorite words "mommy I love you."  Yes both my older kids still call me Mommy.   I have to say I love it.  I had many well wishers which I appreciated but was very emotional when I received Happy Birthday from my adopted kids, mostly when I got them from Bryan's friends.  However I am so glad they remembered and wished me a Happy Birthday.

Now that I have offended some of you and made some of  you feel bad, let me just say I am grateful for each and every one of you that are in my life. Again "it's me, not me.  I want to tell you this phase will pass eventuallly and I will get through it.  For those that care keep asking the questions and someday I will be able to say truthfully I am good instead of just ok.