August 15, the one month anniversary

There is so  much I want to say but some of the words won't come.  I am just going to say what is on my mind and hope I don't ramble too much.  I must say this month has probably been one of the hardest of my life.  I have shed many tears and I know there is many more that will be shed.  I have had to start saying goodbye to my oldest child. I say start because I don't think I will ever be finished saying goodbye to him or tell him everything I want to. That is a process that is going to take the rest of my life.  Although this month has been hard I have had many gifts and blessings too.

Last week was one of the hard weeks.  It was a combination of my dear friend dying,knowing the one month anniversary was coming and my husband finishing the box that we put Bryan's ashes in.  My friend, Joe, died from liver failure and had been sick awhile.  I wanted to go visit with him while I was in Utah and he was in the hospital but didn't make it because I was kind of in my own crisis at the time.  Someways it was a blessing I didn't see him.  He had lost a lot of weight and was very thin.  I get to remember Joe as the big loving guy that was there with a smile and hug whenever you needed him.  I get to remember him laughing and playing with my older kids when they were young.  I will always remember his smile and him always making me smile by acting like a kid.

The box for Bryan was finished last week and it kind of took me for surprise.  Ok, it really knocked me on my butt.  I wasn't ready to know that he is in the box.  How can you be ready for your son to be in "his final resting place"?  The box is beautiful and Stuart did a wonderful job making it.  It looks great and would be wonderful if it wasn't meant for Bryan's ashes.Thanks Stuart for making the box as hard as it was I will cherish it forever.  I have a love- hate relationship with the box.  I am finding I have a love-hate relationship with many things,  that I didn't know I had  like with laughing, smiling, moving on with life, alone time, family time, pictures etc.

 I have had an amazing amount of blessings and gifts that has come from this month.  I have connected and reconnected with friends and family.  The amount of love and support that has come from friends and family is amazing.  God knows exactly when I need to hear or see people.  He has placed many people in my path to let me know how much I am loved and how many people remember Bryan. I want to thank God for placing those people in my life and for the people that have come into my path.  For each of you that has asked and really cared how I am doing, the people that have listened to me cried with me and has offered and followed through with the statement "if there is anything I can do.."  Thanks to all of those that just did things for me and my family without us having to ask.  Sometimes it's really hard to go to someone and ask take me away or I just can't function today could you help me with dinner,  the housework, pray with me or stand beside me to support me while someone else is praying or can you just help me take the next breath because  I can't.

I think one of my greatest fears is that Bryan will be forgotten by everyone except for me and the family,  I pray this is not the case.  I don't want him to be remember as the kid that overdosed either.  There was the loving, caring, goofy, positive, happy go lucky side of him too.  The side that could get out of trouble with a smile a laugh, or smart remark.  I want people to know he wasn't a bad kid just a kid that made a lot of bad choices.  A kid that loved and respected his mom and grandparents.  The kid that wouldn't let his friends gang or no gang swear or be disrespectful in front of me. 

As I move on into the next days, months and years to come I know I will have many more tears, more memories and most of all many blessings. Although I am broke and there is a huge part of me that is gone. The waves of sorrow and grief still hit. I still don't know when the waves will hit or what kind of wave they will be, a tsunami that will take a day or two to recover from, a wave that will know me down and will take a few waves before I can get back up again or just the wave that pushes me forward.  I know something good will come out of the suffering and pain.  I know I am strong and I will endure and by the grace of God I will be a better person and the person God has called me be. There will be beauty from his ashes.