Time

Time is both a friend and and an enemy in my life right now.  This love-hate relationship has been more clear to me since July 15 when I got the first dreaded phone call that Bryan had overdosed came.  The phone call was from a police officer using my mom's phone.  He left a message.  Within 2 minutes of that call I recieved a text and phone call from my sister.  I knew something was wrong.  I don't get that many phone calls from Utah in that short amount of time without something being wrong. 

From that moment in time, my relationship with time changed.  Every second counted and it could not go by slow enough or fast enough for me. I wanted to get to him as fast as I could so I could maybe say goodbye and kiss him to make everything better.  I also wanted time to go by slowly.  The slower it passed the longer I had before I had to face reality.

Then in the airport the next dreaded call.  Although I made this one to tell everyone I was able to get a flight and was on my way.  Time had cheated me of seeing my son alive for the last time.  It was too late.  He would not be able to hear me say I love you, Bud. or "please don't go.  I need you.  I need my boy."  I had to get on the plane.  Time wasnt going to stop for me.  Again I wanted time to go by fast and slow.  Time was my protector from reality.

Time became my enemy again the next day when I went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements.  I wanted a family viewing.  I wanted to kiss him goodbye.  I know that sounds morbid but I wanted to see and feel for myself he was gone.  I wanted to feel that there was no pulse or no breathing.  I was told that wouldn't be possible because the state was doing an autopsy.  We had to have a viewing within 24 hours and it would take longer than that for the autopsy to be done.  Ok no viewing for the family but I atleast wanted to see him.  Againg that stupid 24 hour rule, I could only view him through glass.  I could not touch him or kiss him goodbye.  Time again robbed me of saying good bye the way I wanted to.

Now almost a month after Bryan died time is still my worst enemy and my best friend.  Time will be my friend by dulling the pain.  As time goes by it will be easier or at least that's what I am told.  I don't think time can ever fill the emptiness or loneliness.  It can only make its so it is a little duller and maybe it wont feel like I am being sucker punched.  For that I will be grateful.  Time also dulls the memories of the bad times and adds to the happy memories.  Again I am grateful.  Although time is my protector and dulls the pain which makes it a great friend, every second, minute, hour, day ect is one more that I have to find a new normal, one more that I won't hear from or be able to see my son.  It is also one more before I get to see him again when my time on earth is done.

I have asked to have just 5 more minutes with him.  I know it will never happen.  Even if it did that time would become an enemy again.