Going back to work

I went to back on Sunday night and then worked Monday night.  It was so much harder and so much easier than I thought.  As many of you know I recently switched jobs from working in the Float Pool (I didn't have a home unit, I would go where ever they needed me in the areas of Pediatrics, Nursery and Post Partum)  I basically worked with parents and babies.  I move to work with just mommas and babies.

Going back wasn' difficult because of the moms or babies although if I were truely honest with myself i was a little jelious they are just starting the journey of life together as mom and child.  I just ended that journey with Bryan.  The hard part was the fear of the questions. I can do ok with the first two questions I knew would be asked "How many kids and what are their ages?  It's the next question that is asked  What is your older kids doing going to college, married, are they still living at home?  That is the question that sends me reeling.  I just cant bring myself to say My son just died or my oldest son died.  That is just too much reality in my world.  Because of my fear and my fragility in saneness.  I found myself just going in the room to do a task and not to make any small talk. This for me is very sad because that is one reason I went to post partum was so I could have time to talk and get to know my patients and possibly help each mom be a better mom or just to ease their anxiousness. Because of my fear and my feeling of I was going to loose it each time i walked into a patients room, I have decided to go back to the float pool and mostly just adult nursing.

Going back was easier than I thought because of the wonderful women I work with.  They don't know how much each hug and each how are you doing mean to me.  They were giving me strength.  They let me talk about Bryan.  I am sure they are all bored with my telling the same stories but most of them at least pretend to be listening and will tell me again how sorry they are.  They have welcomed me into their family.  I am so blessed.  That part will be very hard to leave.

In the last 2 1/2 weeks I have made mor life altering decisions that I usually do in 5 years.  I have decided to go back to school to change careers to a counelor and I have decided to change jobs again.  I have many personal decissions as well that I am just not comfortable talking about yet. I so hope out of the change, all of the sadness and grief that something good will come out of my son's death.  I hope parents realize just how lucky they are to have their kids and learn to take joy in even kids being difficult.  I hope kids that read this realize just how much they are loved and mean to their parents.  Parents and kids will always make mistakes but know they are doing the very best they can at the given moment.  Remember to take a deep breath and hug your family.