This is the third time I have started this post. There is so much I want to say but as I am writing the words are not capturing my feeling or making enough sense for people to read. I don't know if it will all make sense to you but I guess it really only needs to make sense to me. I cant believe on Sunday the 6 month anniversary of Bryan's death will be here.It has been the hardest, slowest, fastest and most emotional six months of my life. The last six months have been life changing to say the least.
One of the hardest thing for me is I want Bryan to be remembered. Not just by me and not only while I am on this earth but afterwards. I know in reality other people remember Bryan but I think a lot of people remember him for his mistakes, mishaps and for other wrong reasons. I want people to remember him for being such funny kid that could make just about anyone smile, not for being so much fun to party with. I want him to be remembered for being such a kind, cool cousin not for being an example of what not to do. I want people stories like when his 2 year old cousin wanted him to read him a story and he didn't want to. He finally told his cousin to get a book and sit on the couch. He took a whole 30 seconds with her by starting with "Once upon a time..." he then proceeded with "blah blah blah blah."as he turned the pages of the story. At the end of the book he said "the end" she said "tanks Bry." She was happy and so was everyone else because he had taken time with her but made us all smile at the "blah blah blah blahs."
I want Bryan to be remembered as loving and respecting his Mom and Grandmas. Protecting his sister from people that made fun of her. I want him to be remembered as being a loyal friend. I want his heart to be remembered not just his mistakes. I want his smile and the spark in his eyes, to be remembered. His smart remarks and his laughter to be remember.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days weeks and months it been since Bryan died. I think the answer to that is no. I counted them after he was born. I knew how old he was, what time and day he was born as many moms do. But I am more precise with the time after his death. Its hard to explain. Maybe because its only been six months that I know the date and how many weeks days months and hours its been. Maybe the preciseness will stop after awhile. I don't know maybe it is my way of holding on to him. I am not sure of that answer and only time will tell.
I also wonder if time really mends the pain or if the constant thinking of him every hour of every day just dulls the pain. I guess it doesn't matter what happens healing or dulling. Thinking of him doesn't make me cry all the time now. I can get through a couple of weeks now without having a total breakdown.
In reality I know he will be not be remember forever, but I guess not many people are remembered forever. His sisters and brother will have kids and Bryan's name will be mentioned. Then slowly he won't be mentioned much and then not at all. He didn't have kids so there won't be legacy of people that will mention his name just because its Great Grandpa Bryan that was crazy. I guess that's ok too. I will always remember him. I will always donate and do things in memory of Bryan. Someday I won't have to just remember him. I will get to see him in heaven. That seems like a very long time to wait though and a very long time that Bryan will b just a memory and a long time that new memories are not made.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
The new year
As the 2012 starts, I know it will be filled with bittersweet memories. I will make many new good memories and there will be many memories from the past. this year will also be a year of getting through a whole year with Bryan. The new year started about a week ago. the thought of a year with out Bryan is almost overwhelming. I have the awful month of Febuary, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and then the holidays to look forward too.With each day, week, month, and holiday that passes, it is one more I make it with out Bryan and one more day of memories that I make with my friends, family and loved ones. In my brain, I know Bryan is in a better place and he has gone to his permanent homebut thatt knowledge hasn't reached my heart yet. The brain and heart is going to take a lot of time before they are on the same page
This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok". She then said, it seems you are doing great. It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well. With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time." I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor." If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree. I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had. I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of Bryan. My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.
As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing? Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him. And if he is 26 that too is wierd. And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again. I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are? This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.
As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it. Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown. However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile. 2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)
This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok". She then said, it seems you are doing great. It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well. With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time." I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor." If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree. I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had. I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of Bryan. My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.
As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing? Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him. And if he is 26 that too is wierd. And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again. I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are? This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.
As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it. Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown. However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile. 2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
better Christmases
It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents. I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on. I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone.
Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year. When I was a kid I was the first one up. I was always so excited. Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else. I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were. The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true. Christmas time was always a magically time for rme. Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.
This year is different. The magic is just not here. Bryan took the magic to heaven with him. There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son. I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it. Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way. I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone. Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too. Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart. I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.
Nothing is like it used to be. I hope the magic returns soon. Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love. I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun. I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either. I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same.
In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas. Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband. I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes. I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts. With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy. She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to.
The pain seems neverending and all engulfing. I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain. There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future. For now I want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed
Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year. When I was a kid I was the first one up. I was always so excited. Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else. I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were. The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true. Christmas time was always a magically time for rme. Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.
This year is different. The magic is just not here. Bryan took the magic to heaven with him. There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son. I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it. Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way. I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone. Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too. Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart. I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.
Nothing is like it used to be. I hope the magic returns soon. Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love. I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun. I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either. I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same.
In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas. Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband. I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes. I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts. With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy. She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to.
The pain seems neverending and all engulfing. I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain. There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future. For now I want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Early Christmas presents
As most of you know by now especially if you are friends with me on facebook, that Bryan was an extra on the Disney Channel's Good Luck Charlie's Christmas episode. The episode aired for the first time Friday night. As the day was nearing I became very apprehensive. I really didn't want to start a spiral downward. I have been coping pretty well for the last couple of weeks. I didn't know if seeing Bryan in the show would be one of my emotional triggers. At the same time there is no way I was going to miss it. This episode was filmed about six weeks before Bryan died.
I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him. It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet. I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show. Then I saw him. It was very fast the first time. It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies. Then I saw him a couple more times. I haven't been that excited in a long time.
Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do. I think I am still on a happy high. What an incredible Christmas gift I was given. I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun! He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love. The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you." Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again. I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me) Which in itself is another gift!!
Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations. I do not know how it got there. I haven't seen it in years. I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa. Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan. Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time. I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.
I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him. It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet. I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show. Then I saw him. It was very fast the first time. It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies. Then I saw him a couple more times. I haven't been that excited in a long time.
Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do. I think I am still on a happy high. What an incredible Christmas gift I was given. I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun! He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love. The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you." Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again. I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me) Which in itself is another gift!!
Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations. I do not know how it got there. I haven't seen it in years. I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa. Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan. Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time. I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanksgiving
Wow! Its almost here. So much to be thankful for but so many wishes and sadness at the same time. Its been about 3 weeks since I posted on this blog. It seems like forever. I can't tell you how much I miss my smiling wonderful boy.
Bryan,
My dear sweet boy. It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left. I don't understand the choices you made. I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15. There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain. Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction. I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life. I am not going to dwell on that in this letter. Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.
I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years. In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for. The years weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them. You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them. If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel.
I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did. I keep those memories alive and most of them still make me smile. There have been a few things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile. There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.
You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life. It wasn't exactly easy raising you. There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you. You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it. You even threw chairs at your teacher. When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was. I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.
You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me. I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it. Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!" When I heard that I knew you were up to something.
Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life. In a way I grew up with you. I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys. You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation. No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together." You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."
So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win). I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel. That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad. I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.
Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours. I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again. I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one. I really want you to meet this one." There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Especially now that Christmas boxers are out. I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.
Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile. I am glad I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you. I love you so much it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy. You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.
Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry. I need my sunshine.
I love you this much and more.
Mom
Bryan,
My dear sweet boy. It has been 4 months and almost a week since you left. I don't understand the choices you made. I can tell you there a lot of people suffering the consequences from the decisions you made on July 14 and 15. There are a lot of that feel guilty and there some that are blaming other people for your actions but really it was your choices and your decisions that have caused us all so much pain. Yes I am mad partly at you but mostly at the consequences of your actions and at the stupid addiction. I so wish I could go back to the time when I could have changed something so you wouldn't have had to go through such a tough life. I am not going to dwell on that in this letter. Since it is almost Thanksgiving I want to write to you and tell you how thankful I am that you came into and what a difference you made in my life.
I am so grateful that I had the privilege of being your mom and loving you for 25 years. In those years there are so many memories I have to thank you for. The years weren't always easy, in fact many were down right tough but we always made it through them. You and Krystal were the reasons I made it through them. If it were me by myself I think I would have given up and threw in the towel.
I am thankful for every smile and every prank you did. I keep those memories alive and most of them still make me smile. There have been a few things that happened since you left that make me believe you are still thinking up pranks to play on Krys just to make me smile. There things that would have gotten you trouble but you always did know if you could just get me to smile or laugh you wouldn't be in so much trouble.
You got into a lot of trouble over the short 25 years of your life. It wasn't exactly easy raising you. There were many trips to the school to talk to your teachers and principals. You got into fights and B.J. would try to save you. You threw sanitizer at people because they started something and you had to finish it. You even threw chairs at your teacher. When you were mad there was only one person you wanted to talk to, no matter how far away she was. I am so thankful that I was that person you came to when you needed to calm down or vent.
You did get in a lot of trouble but you also knew where to draw the line, or at least with me. I was always so proud of you and felt honored when you told your friends to watch their language around me. There were very few times you asked if I would bail you out of jail. You knew I wouldn't budge on my stand. You knew what was right and wrong not that you choose to do the right thing but you knew it was wrong when you did it. Even when you were small you would tell yourself "no Bryan, no no!" When I heard that I knew you were up to something.
Bry, you taught me so many lessons in life. In a way I grew up with you. I was only 18 when I had you and 22 when I was single Mom and it was just you, me and Krys. You were such a good big brother. You used to read to your sister even before you knew how to read. You taught me to smile and always find something good in every situation. No matter how dark things got you would always say "it is OK Mom at least we are together." You always saw something to be happy about even when you were in jail you would say " i am ok I needed to catch up on some sleep and reading anyway."
So this Thanksgiving,I have a lot to be thankful for, at the same time I wish you were here to steel the last piece of pumpkin pie when everyone else is asleep and break the wishbone with Krystal (yes, I know you always cheated so you could win). I wish I could get on that airplane going to heaven dressed as an angel so I could see you and hear you say "I love you Mom" and give me those sad eyes when God kicked me out because I am not really an angel. That was your favorite story to tell Krys when you guys started missing your Dad. I wish I didn't have to experience what it means to have my feelings "broke" and not fixable.
Oh Bry how I miss you being a part of my life and me being a part of yours. I want to the mediator between you and a girlfriend again. I want to hear "Mom I think she is the one. I really want you to meet this one." There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Especially now that Christmas boxers are out. I always stop and think I should get these for Bryan for Christmas Eve, then I remember you won't be opening any presents this Christmas.
Through all my tears, regrets and sadness, I am so thankful I had every second, every disappointment, every trip to the ER and every smile and every prank that was played on me Krys or someone just to make me smile. I am glad I was chosen to be your mom and share all 25 years with you. I love you so much it hurts. Happy Thanksgiving my beautiful boy. You will be remembered with every bite of stuffing, every pumpkin pie I see and every pair of Christmas boxers I am tempted to buy.
Now look what you are doing you're making your Mom cry. I need my sunshine.
I love you this much and more.
Mom
Monday, October 31, 2011
It has started
Today is Halloween, one of Bryan's favorite holidays. He loved to get dressed up, go trick or treating and just get candy. I am pretty sure he went trick or treating every year he could. He probably even went last year at 24 years old. I would tell he "you're too old to go trick or treating, you need to let the little kids get the candy." His response was "you're never too old for candy, and I am a little kid at heart, Mommy." What can you say to that.
Today starts my holiday season. As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping. This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions. This year is so different. Like each day of the last 3 months has been different. I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel. I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them. I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior. He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months.
In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away. The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.
My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger. In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions. I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him. He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need. he doesn't understand everything and neither do I. I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity. He is still here!!
My other three kids have been amazing as well. Krystal tries so hard to be strong. I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know. I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her. Kyle is my goofy kid. He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so. Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold. She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok. As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now. I am not able to support them emotionally. I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.
I am always amazed at how my blog turns out. Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing. It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would. It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined. I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.
So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past. There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings. I just have to look harder for them this year. The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible.
Today starts my holiday season. As soon as we celebrated Halloween, I would start or when the kids were really young finish up my Christmas shopping. This is the time I would look for the perfect set of pajamas and slippers, stocking stuffers and all the little things that were our families traditions. This year is so different. Like each day of the last 3 months has been different. I really don't know what I am feeling or what I am suppose to feel. I am worried I will have another melt down, I want the Holidays to be as normal for the other kids as possible but at the same time I don't want to celebrate them. I want to go away quietly count the blessings I have and celebrate My Savior. He is the one that has truly been with me in every single phase of the past 3 horrible months.
In the last three and a half months (yes I can tell you months, weeks, days and hours) every one of my relationships have changed some for the better, some have faded, and some for the not so good. Some of my friends have become my protectors and decisions makers, some friends have become my encourages and some have just faded away. The ones that faded I think they are scared of saying or doing the wrong things.
My relationship with my husband has changed, hopefully it is drawing us closer and we are becoming stronger. In all honesty Stuart has been a saint, not that we haven't had our trials because we have and most are caused by out of whack emotions. I have been angry, mad, broken down, gone on tangents, went off the deep end,cried and about a million other things on him. He is still here with me and he just tells me take all the time you need. he doesn't understand everything and neither do I. I am sure there have been more than one time when he wanted to commit me to the funny farm or just leave me wallowing in my own self pity. He is still here!!
My other three kids have been amazing as well. Krystal tries so hard to be strong. I know she is hurting and doesn't want me to know. I am not at a place I can help her deal with her emotions I am still dealing with mine. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her. Kyle is my goofy kid. He really doesn't show a lot of emotions but he is always making me smile and he doesn't even know what hes doing to do so. Heather, is such a sweet compassionate person with a heart of gold. She is the first one that knows when I am not feeling right and she is the one that makes sure I am going to be ok. As much as my kids do for me I feel like a failure as a mom to them right now. I am not able to support them emotionally. I really want to but I can't give them what I don't have.
I am always amazed at how my blog turns out. Usually I have some kind of idea what I want it to be like when I start writing. It never turns out the way I had originally thought it would. It always takes twists and turns and most of the time i think it is better than what I could have imagined. I hope through my blog I am helping people appreciate what they have and learn to value the special people in their lives.
So yes, my Holiday Season has started and will be so different that the past. There will be more grieving and more crying but there will also be more smiles and more blessings. I just have to look harder for them this year. The last three months have been hard but I am starting to see how blessed I am even in the depths of despair, somehow I am emerging to be stronger, more blessed and more loved than i thought was possible.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Extreme emotions
I already typed this and spent a lot of time on it, however, when I hit publish, it disappeared into the never, never land of cyber space. I am going to try to remember everything that was in my blog but with my memory lately I am sure everything will not be like it was before. Which in the last three months, I have learned change can be good, bad or both.
It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.
The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.
The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?" The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis. We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur. This process is so painful
The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.
I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed. I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.
I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development. I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for. What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like. I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.
Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?
Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me. The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.
Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.
I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,
I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.
Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.
Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.
It’s been almost three months since Bryan died. In the last three months the emotions I have had, have been very extreme, very high highs and very low lows. My normal baseline seems so much lower than my baseline was three months ago.
The day Bryan was born, I like so many other first time parents had a wide range of emotion. I was happy, full of joy, scared, overwhelmed and 1,000 other emotions that were all tied up in one. I was responsible for another person that I had a part in creating. My life would never be the same. I was a Mom! I knew I would be a Mom again and I knew my life was going to be full of ups and downs but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think my life would change or I would feel as much as I did on that day. Boy, was I wrong.
The day Bry died my life as well as many other lives changed. There was good and bad that came with that change. I know people think "how can she think anything good came from her son's death?" The good was for the ones that loved Bryan we knew he no longer had to fight his demons on a daily basis. We also knew we would not get any of those of awful phone calls that causes your heart to skip a beat. There was mixture of emotions and most were not as good as the day he was born. It’s almost like his death started a disease process. Just like cancer, this disease has overtaken my brain, my every thought and emotion and my body. Now I am have to go through the process to get better which I compare to the chemotherapy. Like many going through chemotherapy, they don’t like going through it. It has to be done to make it to the other side and for healing to occur. This process is so painful
The emotions I have felt to the extreme is guilt, laughter, compassion, sadness and relief/joy. The guilt is extreme. I am always thinking of the should haves, could haves, would haves and the what ifs. If I were a better Mom, if I didn’t make him move to Utah, orif I had made him move back to Arizona things would have been different. Maybe if, I provided a stronger male role model when he was younger or more counseling I would have been able to prevent his death. The truth is only God knows the number of days we have on this earth, and unfortunately Bryan’s were up. I believe all the what ifs would not have changed the end result, it would have just changed the way he died, not his death.
I also feel guilty because I feel so irritated and upset with a lot of little things that never used to really bother me. I get upset/ irritated with screaming/crying toddlers in a grocery or department store. I want to scream “just take the baby outside, we all don’t have to listen to her.” My logical side says all babies do this and eventually the baby will stop. It’s just noise. The emotional side usually wins and I am just annoyed. I love kids and am usually very patient and tolerant.
I get very annoyed with everyday life and people complaining in general especially about their kids and their kids normal development. I really want the parents to stop and think does this really matter and is this battle really a battle worth fighting for. What I wouldn’t give to be able to complain that Bryan hasn’t called in a few weeks. I would also love to just complain that he is dating a girl I don't like. I get annoyed with well meaning people but they rub me the wrong way. Many of these people are really expressing their condolences and trying to comfort me.
Side note. What not to say and why not to say it to someone that is grieving. “Before he died you at least had hope, now you have nothing.” The reason on this one is obvious I think. “There is life after something like this.” There may be life for you and yes for me too. My life isn’t the same and never will be. There are times when I don’t want there to be life because of immense pain. Not that I am suicidal I just wouldn’t be oppose to God ending my pain. Last one that has been said to me lately is “you just need to figure out to pull it together.” One don’t you think I know that and two don’t you think if I could or knew how I would?
Second note. Thank you so much to all my friends that have supported me. The ones that always calls and lets me rant and rave when other people say these things.
Okay off my soap boxes. The guilt usually leads to some happiness or compassion. I have more of a compassion for addicts in general as well as parent/child relationships that are having problems. Both of these situations I will stop what I am doing and pray for the individuals involved. Parent/Child relationships I have found I will generally encourage the parent or child to look at the situation in a different light. For the parent all I can say is keep keeping on. The kids are listening and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To the kids in this relationship your parents really love you and want the best for you. They are doing the best they know how and again there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad that God is using my tragedy to encourage others.
I have changed my views of addicts. my attitude once was they have to hit bottom before they can get better and they just have to want to get clean bad enough to make it happen. Yes to an extent they need to hit bottom, but they also need unconditional love, not for the addiction or the actions but for the person. They need something to fill the void they feel in their life. Yes they do need to want to get clean more than anything they also need support and help to get to that point. If you think about we all have our own addictions, some are just much more apparent and dangerous than others,
I have also experienced laughter, relief and joy to extremes. Some is because of the guilt I feel because I prayed and fasted for Bryan to overcome his addiction. In May I prayed if you can’t fix him bring him home so I don’t have to worry about him. Home being in Arizona, not heaven. However my prayer was answered just not the way I wanted it. Laughter comes usually as a prank I believe Bryan set up. It usually happens to Krystal, and like when he was here she is mad as heck at him for the prank and doesn’t always see as humorous as I do. They are pranks that Bryan would have set up just to get me to laugh. Thanks Bry.
Lastly I have a sense of relief. I know never have to worry about getting another one of those phone calls or at least not for him. I may for one of the other kids, husband or the many other family members but not from him. He is safe and he has found his peace he never has to face his demons again. I guess I have found some peace as well. Life will go on not that I always want it to. I will get through to other side. God will use my tragedy for triumph eventually.
Bryan I miss you more than I ever thought possible. You consume my every thought and you have stolen my brain. As your mother I am telling you to return it to me soon. I really like my memory and thinking. Love you, Bub.
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