It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents. I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on. I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone.
Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year. When I was a kid I was the first one up. I was always so excited. Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else. I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were. The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true. Christmas time was always a magically time for rme. Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.
This year is different. The magic is just not here. Bryan took the magic to heaven with him. There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son. I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it. Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way. I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone. Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too. Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart. I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.
Nothing is like it used to be. I hope the magic returns soon. Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love. I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun. I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either. I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same.
In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas. Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband. I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes. I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts. With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy. She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to.
The pain seems neverending and all engulfing. I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain. There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future. For now I want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed
Trish, my heart goes out for you. I have not lost a child, so I know it's not the same thing, but my dad says it's the worst thing that ever happened in his life. We lost my older sister almost 16 years ago, she was 33 when she died from cancer. We knew her time was limited, but knowing in advance doesn't make it any easier, I think, after watching Joe slowly fade away was worse than if he just didn't wake up one day. I tried this year to make myself enjoy the season, but just as you, my heart hasn't been in it. I sit and watch the kids enjoy their treasures, and think to myself that I have a good life, and the ones I have lost this year wouldn't want me to stop living, so I get up every day, and put a smile on my face, and try to make the best of it. Next year will be better. We will make it through with the help from our friends.
ReplyDeleteTrish, I SO wish I could help you find the magic this season. To be honest with you I have had a hard time finding the true spirit for a few years. I worked at it really hard this year for obvious reasons. I am making a conscientious effort to enjoy the time I know I have. Merry Christmas my friend, let time work its magic.
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