Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, I have made it through the holiday season without Bryan.  Well almost, we will see how tomorrow goes.  This has year has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Somewhere in myhead I thought it would be easier than last year.  It hasn't been easier, it has been different.

Last year I was still in shock over losing my precious baby boy. I know he was 25 but he will alway be my baby.  This year the reality of the never s hit.  I made new stockings for the family.  I made one for Bryan, as I started to piece it together and sew it I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality that his stocking will forever remain empty.  I will never get the chance to see his face brighten when he get a special treat in his stocking. I will never get that feeling I got when I scored the best christmas present for him. I never get to hear him laugh over the traditional Christmas boxers he got every year.

As I received the first Christmas card with the perfect family on it, it hit.  The reality that my family will always be incomplete.  I will never get family photos or pictures of all of my kids taken again because one will always be missing.  I did send a card this year but its not one of all of together, it had to be a college of pictures so I could make sure include Bryan.  I know some will be offended but he will forever be part of my family. Even writing the Christmas letter felt weird, I wasn't wasn't able to write of Bryan's accomplishments.  

Last year decorating for Christmas was unbearable.  Not the Bryan liked to decorate but he loved to the food and snacks that was around when decorating.  This year it wasn't unbearable but made me very sad.  Another reality Bryan would never beg me to make my caramels or sugar cookies.  He will never complain about putting all of the ornaments on the tree, or hearing all the old stories about the special ornaments and listening to all the "gay" Christmas music. Yes I even miss his complaining and whining.

As tomorrow comes there will be another harsh reality.  I will never again have the opportunity of waking up on Christmas morning with all of my children gathered around the Christmas tree with eagerness to open presents.  

As Krystal, Kyle, and Heather open their pajamas today my mind will drift back to a time when my family was complete.  Tomorrow morning opening presents, I will be even more aware of the huge gaping hole in my heart. I will put on a happy face and hide the tears that will be trying to escape.  I will thank God for the 25 years I had with Bryan and pray His grace will get me through the day.

I miss you Bub.  Merry Christmas! Please come home for Christmas!

better Christmases

It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents.  I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on.  I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone. 

Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year.  When I was a kid I was the first one up.  I was always so excited.  Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else.  I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble.  After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were.  The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true.  Christmas time was always a magically time for rme.  Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.

This year is different.  The magic is just not here.  Bryan took the magic to heaven with him.  There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son.  I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it.  Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way.  I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone.  Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too.  Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart.  I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.


Nothing is like it used to be.  I hope the magic returns soon.  Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love.  I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun.  I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either.  I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels   My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same. 

In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas.  Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband.  I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes.  I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts.  With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy.  She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to. 

The pain seems neverending and all engulfing.  I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain.  There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future.  For now I  want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed