For good

The last few night I have been missing Bryan.  The dreams of the last few times I saw him or talked to him, along with big waves of emotions have come back.  Not that they went away completely, the just weren't a prominent part of every moment and every place I go.

I went to Wicked with my girls on Sunday.  It was a fabulous play.  I had never seen it before.  I think it has moved up to my favorite.  As I was sitting in the audience before it started and during intermission I keep thinking of the first and only time I took Bryan to a Broadway Production.  I took him to Lion King in Salt Lake. I bought tickets for Krys, Bryan and me. not knowing if bryan would want to go or not and thinking I would probably end up taking my niece or sister if he bailed.  When I told him about the tickets his eyes lit up and he was almost insulted when I told him he didn't have to go, I could invite someone else to go with me.  I couldn't get tickets all together there was 2 seats together and one seat a few rows in front.  Bryan volunteered to sit by himself.  The guy next to us offered his seat to Bryan.  Bryan was so happy he could sit by me.  It was always the little things that would make his day.  Watching Bryan and Krystal watch the show was such a great Mom moment.  I loved both the both of the kids reactions and how they were both so mesmerized by the acting and music.  I remember how he posted on facebook "a thug like me is going to the other side and going to be with the high society."  I held it together though until towards the end when they sang "For Good".  Then tears came to my eyes because they were singing it to me.  I know because of Bryan I am a better mom, and I was changed for good because I knew him, because I was blessed to be his Mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

Last night was pretty rough as well.  Every time I fell asleep I would dream of him, they were the same dreams I have been having since July 15 but they wouldn't stop and I kept waking up shortly after I fell asleep.  I went upstairs and got the blanket I got for him for his last Christmas.  There is really nothing special about it but that it is really soft and it was his. I wrapped it around me and went to bed.  It was almost like he was wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug, almost like sleeping with him when he was little and he was sick but this time it was me that need him not the other way around. I don't know what it is about a blanky that can make things better but the big brown blanket made me feel loved by my boy.  It also makes me miss him so much.  How I wish I could turn the hands of the clock back to the time when he slept with me when he was sick, how there was no place that could make him feel better than being in my bed with my arms around him.

Things to do for a grieving mom

I saw a blog the other day on what to do for a new mom that inspired me to write a blog on what to do for a grieving Mom. I have talked with a few other mom who have lost a child and some of the feelings and thought are the same as mine.  I am not an expert but I know what helps me get through those tough moments.


 
1. You don't have to know what to say a simple "I am sorry" will work.
2.  Listen to her.  Let her tell the same story or her experience over and over again.  She doesn't get to make new memories and she is processing everything by telling you her experience.
3. Cry with her
4. Don't wait for to ask or call you for help or support. Drop by her house with a treat or lunch for her  and offer her support
5. Come over to help her do her everyday chores (laundry, dishes, vacuuming,)
6. Text, call or leave her messages to let her know you are thinking about her.  She feels alone and overwhelmed.
7. Bring her meals in disposable dishes so she doesn't have to worry about getting them back to you.  If you bring paper plates and disposable silver she won't have to worry about the dishes for one night.
8. Offer to go do errands with her.  Gets her out of the house and gives her support if she gets overwhelmed and looses it.
9. Give her a reason to get out of bed.
10. Help her remember the little things.
11. Continue to shower her love long after her loss.
12.  Try to remember on her hard days (holidays, anniversary dates, birthdays hers and her child's,  Mother's day etc.
13 Give her a gift card for take out for the days she just too overwhelmed to think of dinner.
14. Tell her she is a wonderful mom.
15. Give her a memory box for her small tokens, flowers from the funeral, cards, programs.
16 Give her a present that she can keep and that will remind her of her child (an ornament, nick    knack, a picture.
17 If she has older kids offer her a day that you take them and pick them up from their activities.
18. Give her a bouquet of flowers for no reason
19. Share your memories of her child with her.
20. Tell her she has not gone crazy when she can't remember anything.
21. Make her a play list of  encouraging songs or Mom songs
22. Tell her its OK for to have a good time with her child
23 Don't tell her child is with a loved one in Heaven.  She wants her child with her.
24. Don't take anything personal when she is grieving
25 Don't tell her how strong she is or God wouldn't give this trial.  She doesn't feel strong and she doesn't need any other reason to blame herself for her child dying.
26. Laugh with her even if it seems an inappropriate time for laughing
27 Don't judge her when she laughs or cries at inappropriate times.
28. Be willing to leave when she suddenly looses it while you are out with her
29. Understand the emotional wave can hit at anytime
30. Send her a random card
31. Help her write the thank you notes from the funeral.
32. Don't expect her to "get back to normal"
33.  Remind her she is not alone.
34.  Don't become uncomfortable when when talks about her child
35.  Give her scriptures and encouraging quotes, and poems

Still....

Still...

miss miss him.
expect a phone call.
want a different ending
need to hear "Mom I love you"
want to hear "Mom I need money."
want to call him to tell him to come down for a visit
want to hear "I'm aw ight"
crying
my heart is breaking
want him to remembered in a good way
want him to tell me everything will be ok
want to smell my boy
see his face
see the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles
want him to hug me
want to hear about his adventures
want to hear about his girlfriends
need closure
get insomnia thinking of him
don't want to get out of bed
break down at the mention of his name'
want to tell him to pull up his pants
want to hear about the girls in his life
want him to tell me what a pain his sister is
want him to play pranks on us
wish I had him here
want him back
want the pain to take a breather
want to be a normal mom again
do want to answer all the questions
want answers
want my baby boy back

don't understand

6 months

This is the third time I have started this post.  There is so much I want to say but as I am writing the words are not capturing my feeling or making enough sense for people to read.  I don't know if it will all make sense to you but I guess it really only needs to make sense to me. I cant believe on Sunday the 6 month anniversary of Bryan's death will be here.It has been the hardest, slowest, fastest and most emotional six months of my life. The last six months have been life changing to say the least.

One of the hardest thing for me is I want Bryan to be remembered.  Not just by me and not only while I am on this earth but afterwards.  I know in reality other people remember Bryan but I think a lot of people remember him for his mistakes, mishaps and for other wrong reasons.  I want people to remember him for being such funny kid that could make just about anyone smile, not for being so much fun to party with.  I want him to be remembered for being such a kind, cool cousin not for being an example of what not to do.  I want people stories like when his 2 year old cousin wanted him to read him a story and he didn't want to.  He finally told his cousin to get a book and sit on the couch.  He took a whole 30 seconds with her by starting with "Once upon a time..." he then proceeded with "blah blah blah blah."as he turned the pages of the story.  At the end of the book he said "the end" she said "tanks Bry."  She was happy and so was everyone else because he had taken time with her but made us all smile at the "blah blah blah blahs."

I want Bryan to be remembered as loving and respecting his Mom and Grandmas. Protecting his sister from people that made fun of her.  I want him to be remembered as being a loyal friend.  I want his heart to be remembered not just his mistakes.  I want his smile and the spark in his eyes, to be remembered.  His smart remarks and his laughter to be remember.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop counting the days weeks and months it been since Bryan died.  I think the answer to that is no.  I counted them after he was born. I knew how old he was, what time and day he was born as many moms do.  But I am more precise with the time after his death.  Its hard to explain. Maybe because its only been six months that I know the date and how many weeks days months and hours its been.  Maybe the preciseness will stop after awhile.  I don't know maybe it is my way of holding on to him. I am not sure of that answer and only time will tell.

I also wonder if time really mends the pain or if the constant thinking of him every hour of every day just dulls the pain.  I guess it doesn't matter what happens healing or dulling.  Thinking of him doesn't make me cry all the time now.  I can get through a couple of weeks now without having a total breakdown.

In reality I know he will be not be remember forever, but I guess not many people are remembered forever.  His sisters and brother will have kids and Bryan's name will be mentioned.  Then slowly he won't be mentioned much and then not at all.  He didn't have kids so there won't be legacy of people that will mention his name just because its Great Grandpa Bryan that was crazy.  I guess that's ok too.  I will always remember him. I will always donate and do things in memory of Bryan. Someday I won't have to just remember him. I will get to see him in heaven.  That seems like a very long time to wait though and a very long time that Bryan will b just a memory and a long time that new memories are not made. 

The new year

As the 2012 starts, I know it will be filled with bittersweet memories.  I will make many new good memories and there will be many memories from the past.  this year will also be a year of  getting through a whole year with Bryan. The new year started about a week ago.  the thought of a year with out Bryan is almost overwhelming.  I have the awful month of Febuary, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays and then the holidays to look forward too.With each day, week, month, and holiday that passes, it is one more I make it with out Bryan and one more day of memories that I make with my friends, family and loved ones.  In my brain, I know Bryan is in a better place and he has gone to his permanent homebut thatt knowledge hasn't reached my  heart yet.  The brain and heart is going to take a lot of time before they are on the same page

This week one of my friends asked how I was doing, when I answered the standard "I am Ok".  She then said, it seems you are doing great.  It seems like you have move on and you are dealing with Bryan and everything pretty well.  With new year, I am sure you will do even better with more time."  I thanked her and thought I am a pretty good actor."  If she only knew how many times I cry and totally loose it, how many nights I can't sleep because I still think of all the should have and could have, or if I was a better mom he would have made better choices. She didn't see me have a complete break down when we put up and took down the tree.  I don't think I am ever going to be able to completely move on but I will agree with her I am doing better and I am learning to continue with my life without the firest truest love I had.  I will always have a huge whole in my heart where there is supposed to be added memories of  Bryan.  My Broken feelings from never hearing his voice again or feeling him in my arms.

As the year begins it brings up new questions for me. I just got used to answering how many kids do you have and what are your older kids doing?  Now as my kids have their birthdays , and I am asked how old my kids are, do I answer that Bryan is 25 or 26?? If he stays 25 that is just weird that Krys, Kyle and Heather will be older than him.  And if he is 26 that too is wierd.  And if I say He would have been 26 that opens up a another can of worms because then I have to explain everything again.   I know this is pretty minor in the big picture but think about how many times you are asked how old your kids are?  This is just one more thought that keeps me up at night.

As time moves on I can honestly say I am going to make it.  Little things are still going to be the precursor for me having a breakdown.  However the little things ar also the precursor to happy memories that make me smile.  2012 is going to be year of change and adjustment I am can tell you that I will make as long as the world doesn't end. ;)

better Christmases

It's 1 pm Christmas afternoon, the presents have all been opened, the family has dispersed to differeent parts of the house to enjoy their Christmas presents.  I am in the living room by myself, the tv has a Christmas movie on.  I am really not paying attention to it, it is really on for back ground sound, so I don't feel as alone. 

Christmas used to be one of my favorite times of year.  When I was a kid I was the first one up.  I was always so excited.  Even in my teen years I was up before anyone else.  I would wake up my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble.  After I married and had kids I was more excited than my kids were.  The excitement usually wasn't for what I was getting but to see the faces and see the excitement of my family having some of their dreams come true.  Christmas time was always a magically time for rme.  Something about people coming together and being nice to each other.

This year is different.  The magic is just not here.  Bryan took the magic to heaven with him.  There have been moments of Christmas magic that makes me smile but its not the same with out my smart alliac son.  I have really tried to put on a happy face and make a memorable season for my family but my hearts not in it.  Pretending that everything is ok doesn't make ihat way.  I can't even explain it well. Its being in a room full of people and feeling alone.  Its the feeling of when everyone is laughing, you have no idea why they are laughing and you start laughing too.  Its going through the emotions but nothing is connecting in your heart.  I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.


Nothing is like it used to be.  I hope the magic returns soon.  Next year I hope I find the joy I did when I wrap a present, decorate the tree or when I find something I know my friends or family will love.  I hope I will find the magic that makes the giving so much fun.  I hope the Christmas baking isn't as fun either.  I so want to hear Bryan tell me he wants some cookies and carmels   My heart still gets lighter when I do all those thing but its not the same. 

In my friends blog she said that next year there will be major changes in her home for Christmas.  Both of her kids witll be out of the house and it will be just her and her husband.  I was so jelious because she has a year to prepare for the changes.  I know that sounds totally selfish and in many ways it is. I also feel sad for her because I know how much it hurts for those big changes in our lives hurts.  With her changes eventually those changes will bring her great joy.  She will eventually have grandkids and new family to pass her traditions down to. 

The pain seems neverending and all engulfing.  I know time is my friend and I know things will get easier but for now, I will continue to pretend and maybe my heart will catch up with my brain.  There will be brighter days and better Christmaes in my future.  For now I  want to go back to bed, throw the covers over my head until the holidays have passed

Early Christmas presents

As most of you know by now especially if you are friends with me on facebook, that Bryan was an extra on the Disney Channel's Good Luck Charlie's Christmas episode.  The episode aired for the first time Friday night.  As the day was nearing I became very apprehensive.  I really didn't want to start a spiral downward.  I have been coping pretty well for the last couple of weeks.  I didn't know if seeing Bryan in the show would be one of my emotional triggers.  At the same time there is no way I was going to miss it. This episode was filmed about six weeks before Bryan died.

I started to watch and not knowing what scenes he was in, I was looking everywhere for him.  It was getting to the last half of the show and I had not seen him yet.  I was getting a little disappointed thinking he was cut from the show.  Then I saw him.  It was very fast the first time.  It was almost like I was falling in love again, my heart rate increased and my stomach started having butterflies.  Then I saw him a couple more times.  I haven't been that excited in a long time. 

Seeing my bud again did just the oppisite of what I thought it would do.  I think I am still on a happy high.  What an incredible Christmas gift I was given.  I got to see my son smiling and looking like he was happy and having fun!  He was handsome and he had the gleem in his eyes I love.  The only thing that would be better was to hear him say "I love you."   Yes, I know I am bragging but I just can't get over the feeling of seeing him again.  I also get to brag to my friends and relatives how handsome my son is. ( No, I don't think he got his looks from me)  Which in itself is another gift!!

Another Christmas present I recieved this year was when I opened the Christmas decorations my favorite Christmas picture of my two older kids was in the box I opened, face up, on top of all the other decorations.  I do not know how it got there.  I haven't seen it in years.  I had the one without Santa but hadn't been able to find the picture of them with Santa.  Seeing this picture did make me cry and I started missing Bryan.  Christmas will never be like it was and it will never feel right. However in the last 2 weeks I have gotten 2 great presents that will be charished for a very long time.  I am very excited to find out how many other surprise presents there will be.