Missing you today

Today is one of the hard days.  I have cried almost all day.  I thought it would get easier, it hasn't I have just gotten better about putting on a fake smile and going through my days. Days like today when I am alone there is nothing more I want to do than call you up and talk to you.  I want to hear you laugh, complain about your sister, or tell me funny stories about the two of you, I want to hear about your new girlfriend and how "this is the one." I want to hear that you are going to be a Dad. I want one more "I love you.or Waz up?"  I miss you even more than I thought was imaginable.

I still ask myself and God why? What could I have done? Why I didn't die first.  I would take your place if I could. I always ask would things be different if I were a better mom or if I had made different choices. There are so many other questions I ask.

There are still so many days I ask God to take me so I can be with you.  This pain and emptiness is like nothing I can explain or put into words.  The hole in my heart grows daily with thoughts of you.  There is many times I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.  Or go to sleep and wake up to find out this was just a nightmare and everything is normal again. That my heart is hole and there are no missing pieces.

People say time heals all wounds.  What a false statement.  Time doesn't heal the wound it just teaches you to cover it up and in a blink of an eye the wound will open up again and consume you.

I missed you on Superbowl telling me who was going to win and betting against me since my team was in it this year.  I missed the call I always got on Valentine's day.  When we went to Vegas I almost asked Stuart if we could pay for a ticket for you to come so I could see you.

Typing all this out seems to help. I can almost hear you say Mom, I am awight. You didn't do anything wrong.  I love you Mommy. but almost doesn't count in real life.

Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, I have made it through the holiday season without Bryan.  Well almost, we will see how tomorrow goes.  This has year has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Somewhere in myhead I thought it would be easier than last year.  It hasn't been easier, it has been different.

Last year I was still in shock over losing my precious baby boy. I know he was 25 but he will alway be my baby.  This year the reality of the never s hit.  I made new stockings for the family.  I made one for Bryan, as I started to piece it together and sew it I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality that his stocking will forever remain empty.  I will never get the chance to see his face brighten when he get a special treat in his stocking. I will never get that feeling I got when I scored the best christmas present for him. I never get to hear him laugh over the traditional Christmas boxers he got every year.

As I received the first Christmas card with the perfect family on it, it hit.  The reality that my family will always be incomplete.  I will never get family photos or pictures of all of my kids taken again because one will always be missing.  I did send a card this year but its not one of all of together, it had to be a college of pictures so I could make sure include Bryan.  I know some will be offended but he will forever be part of my family. Even writing the Christmas letter felt weird, I wasn't wasn't able to write of Bryan's accomplishments.  

Last year decorating for Christmas was unbearable.  Not the Bryan liked to decorate but he loved to the food and snacks that was around when decorating.  This year it wasn't unbearable but made me very sad.  Another reality Bryan would never beg me to make my caramels or sugar cookies.  He will never complain about putting all of the ornaments on the tree, or hearing all the old stories about the special ornaments and listening to all the "gay" Christmas music. Yes I even miss his complaining and whining.

As tomorrow comes there will be another harsh reality.  I will never again have the opportunity of waking up on Christmas morning with all of my children gathered around the Christmas tree with eagerness to open presents.  

As Krystal, Kyle, and Heather open their pajamas today my mind will drift back to a time when my family was complete.  Tomorrow morning opening presents, I will be even more aware of the huge gaping hole in my heart. I will put on a happy face and hide the tears that will be trying to escape.  I will thank God for the 25 years I had with Bryan and pray His grace will get me through the day.

I miss you Bub.  Merry Christmas! Please come home for Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. I miss Bryan more everyday. I woke up this morning,turned on the tv to watch the parade.  A tradition I had with my older kids when they were smaller.  We would have breakfast in cuddled on the couch watching the parade after breakfast we would all be board with the parade and start preparing food for the day.  They would help with whatever we were making.  They would steel marshmallows lick spoons and taste test everything.  I miss those days. 

Bryan's favorite was pumpkin pie, he took after his mom.  We would always fight for the last piece, usually he would win (only because he ate it in middle of the night) but there was many times he would bring me the pie with an extra fork and we would share it.

I miss the phone calls I got on every holiday that we weren't together.  "Hi Mommy. Happy Thanksgiving.  I love you!"  He would always tell me what food he had or was going to have.  I would always hear "no one can do pumpkin pie like you". I wish I could hear it all again.  

Halloween

This is the time of year I have a love/hate relationship with. I used to love this time of year. It was the start of the Holiday season for me. My kids loved Halloween. Bryan especially. He loved anything that food or candy was involved. He loved to dress up and loved to get candy. I think he went trick or treating right up to the end. I think he said he was chaperoning a small child. He used to say he was going to steal some little kids bag just to get their candy. Instead of stealing candy he always found some little goblin that was crying or fell and dropped his candy. He would help the little kid pick up his candy or tell him to stop crying, then he would share his candy. He couldn't stand a little one crying. It always brought tears to my eye (and still does) at how big of heart Bryan had. He always wanted everyone to believe he was tough, he was one giant teddy bear.

Bryan liked to dress up but he loved the time with me and Krystal discussing our plans of the costumes, making or buying them and putting the final touches on them. My favorite was when he decided he was going to be a cheerleader and then chickened out and was a bloody dead cheerleader because it was more manly. This year I think he will try to be a devil. I can hear him arguing with St. Peter. He always loved a good debate!

 This year is the second year of the hate part of the relationship with this time of year. I guess for obvious reasons. He is not here. But I hate the flood of emotions I have with every memory. So happy yet so sad. The double edge sword pierces and then chops up my heart. I have already started the insomnia and the dreams. My guess is they will stick around until after the first of the. The roller coaster of emotions will get higher and lower.

November 1 I will start writing on my other blog what I am thankful for. However today I will start the list on here. I am so thankful that I got to be Bryan's mom. What an awesome privilege it was and is. There were a lot of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, failure and accomplishment but I wouldn't change anything about those special 25 years except that when and how he left this earth. I am so blessed to have had him. He could always make me smile and at the same time I would be madder than heck at him.

 I want to ask everyone that if you knew Bryan or know me and how much I want Bryan to be remembered positively, and not just as the kid that was fun to party with and od'd, please do at least one random act of kindness during this Holiday season in the his memory. I am guessing this would be pretty much all of you if your reading this. I would love to hear what kind of acts were done to keep Bryan's memory alive. Leave a comment, post it on Facebook, text me. If you don't want to tell me the act could you please let me know you did one?

Silly reminder

Someone has a warped sense of humor. I admit it made me smile

Today when I pulled a pair of jeans off the closet a pair of Bryan's boxers fell on my head. I know they were Bryan's because no one else in the family wears boxers. Bryan has been gone 15 months now. I have been pulling jeans and pants off my shelf almost everyday sense then  I have even stood on my bed to look up there. Never have I seen a pair of his boxers up there.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how they got up there. I can say I smiled and chucked to myself.  It's the kind of thing that would make our family smile and shake our heads. Bry, I love you so much. It was nice to have a silly reminder of you even you did wear them on your skanky  butt!

Missing you

I miss you, Bryan.  I miss your laugh, your silly joke, the I am in trouble phone call,the girlfriend sagas but mostly I just miss you. It's been 438 day since you went away, not that I am counting or anything. Everyday seems like a thousand. I don't cry as much anymore, my mind is mostly back and I don't think I am certifiably crazy anymore, although your brother and sisters might not agree.  I smile a little more although the smiles don't quite make it to my eyes.  I don't feel as guilty laughing and enjoying stuff that you would enjoy..  I know you would want me to enjoy life, and I am trying but there is such a major void a part of me that's not there anymore.

There are so many things that remind me of you, recessess peanut better cups, pumpkin pie, funny boxers, McDonalds, your blanket.  There is so many things I have the thought I am going to ca...but then I remember I can't call you.  You're favorite time of year is upon us again. Halloween through Christmas.  The way to YOUR heart truly was through food.  I could make smile just by telling you I made a pie, or buying you a candy bar. I miss fighting over pumpkin pie.  

There are so many things I want your opinion on.  You are so interwoven in my life even though you're not here.  So many things make me think of you.  Thanks for being my son and teaching me so many lessons of life.

I really didn't mean for this to be sad and depressing.  I just wanted to talk with you to feel you by my side again.  Yep you guessed it I want to hear "mommy I love you!"

Until we meet again.

I love you Bub. Don't do anything that will get you in to too much trouble.  Hope your having a good time!

Phone calls

Have you ever recieved one of those phone calls.  You know, the kind that change your life by just answering the phone or listening to a message. The kind that you remember every detail, date, time and exactly where you were and what you were doing when you recieve the call.  I have recieved many of those phone calls, some of the calls added happiness and joy to my life but most of them did not. The kind of phone call I got  are the kind  in all of our worst nightmares.  The ones that you pray you will never receieve or wonder how you would react if you got one..

 I recived the first of  many life changing phone calls on Feburary 24, 1989.  I was living my dream life.  I had a 2 year old little boy and pregnant with my girl.  I had the perfect life, I was a stay at home mom/wife. All of that changed with one word "Hello."  The next words would begin a whirlwind of change in my life.   "Mrs. Burt, This is  the First Sergent  Ken is at the dispensary.  You probably need to get there as soon as you can."  The call was the first in a series of events that led me to find out my husband had brain cancer and was expected to live 9 months to a year.

The next phone call was about a year later, Febuary 4,1990.  This time I was at church.  I was pulled out of service telling me I had a phone call.  This time I knew it was something bad.  Again the news followed "Hello."  "Tricia, This is Linda, Ken's nurse.  Its time.  You need to come up to the nursing home as soon as you can.  Ken is not doing well. He doesn't have long.  Drive careful."

God gave me some good phone calls to remember as well as the bad ones.  One of the happy phone calls came March 18, 1994.  I don't remember as many of the details as I do with the other phone call that came.  This phone call was to let me know my sister was in labor and I was going to be an Aunt.  It definantly ranks as one of the happiest moments in my life. The only moments that top it was becoming a mom and gettting married. I  now know how expectant dads feel when they get the"its time" phone call.

 Another happy call came in May of 2002.  The details are sketchy again but its a call that changed my life.  This call I almost didn't take.  I am so glad that I did.  This call from my future husband, the man that would help me cope and deal with the phone calls that were going to come.  It went something like this.
 "Hello is your Mom home." 
Bryan said "mom that guy is on the phone again, are you home?" 
"Hello" me
"Hi, Trish. This is Stuart" some small talk and then "when would you like to go out with me?"
What a great phone call.

The next few phone calls led to me making the decision for Bryan to go live with my parents and try to get him out of trouble.  The first was from Krys when I was at work.  I don't know the date but know it was early October 2002.  "Mom, Bryan is acting weird.  He is hitting me.  He is drunk or something."  The next one was after Bryan broke the agreement to stay clean and keep his friends out of my house when I was at work.  "I gotta follow through with what I said I would do.  I have to send him to my Mom's.  I don't know if its the right thing.  I gotta do something before I loose him completely."  Bryan got an airplane at 530 pm that day to go to Utah.  I thought it would be for few months, it turned out he never came back to AZ to live.

After Bryan turned 18 I recieved many calls that as a parent you don't want to get.  I don't think he missed any.  Maybe he wanted to give me the full experience of being a parent.  I don't know the dates of many of them.  I got "Mom I am in jail."  I got quite a few of those calls.  "Mom I am turning myself in I don't have money to pay my fines."  I got the "Bryan has been in an accident.  He is fine.  He has got some scraps and bruises.  He is lucky to be alive and that he doesn't have more injuries."  That phone call led to the phone call from him when he was in the ER.  "Mom they want to give me a tetnus shot."  Me "I know so get the shot."  Bry "Mom she's (the nurse) got a big needle.  I don't think I can." Me "Stop being a wimp just get the shot."  After a few back and forth comments I told him he had no choice and I told the nurse to just give it to him. 

Then came the call "Bryan was in fight.  He was jumped.  There was 5 or 6 of them on him.  They broke his jaw.  He has to have surgery to fix it."  All of these calls were leading up to the ultimate nightmare.

July 15, 2011 Las Vegas, Nevada.  Heather's dance compition awards presentation.  I recieved 3 calls with in 2 minutes of each other.  2 from my mom's phone , one from my sister's phone.  All the messages were Bryan has overdosed.  He is not breathing.  The next phone call I made to my mom's phone.  A police officer answered.  "your son overdosed.  The paramedics are here working on him.  they have been working on him for awhile...  I let your mom know you are getting a flight as soon as possible."  The next phone call I made was while I was in line to get on my plane to go to my son.  It took place shortly after 3:06.  The call was to let my mom know I got a flight and I would be there in a couple of hours.  My mom's bishop answered the phone.  me "hello. can you tell my mom I am on my way.?  I assume you are at the hospital....Davis North?  ....  I come to the ICU right?"  Bishop "Trish, I don't know how to tell you this?"  Me "so don't"  I then I hung up and called my husband "Bryan died."  I don't know which one was worse finding out or actually saying my son died.




It has been just over a year since I made the last phone calls that changed my life. My life will never be the same.  I won't lie and tell you I understand or accempt that this is all for the good.  I do know with each of the phone calls I recieved there was am unheard unseen participant.  Looking back I can see the hand of God and his presense was with me.  Everytime I got a phone call with bad news there was someone many times a total stranger that held me and prayed with me.  God comforted me but it was never as I would have imagined it.God has used so many of you to get me through the year after those phone calls.

I want to thank all of the total strangers, my friends and family for helping to this place.  It's been a rough journey.  My nonstop stories of Bryan, the unstoppable tears, the mood swings and the times I tried to wall myself from anyone and everyone.  The bad news is there will be more of all of that stuff but the good news it won't be as frequent. I am slowly learning how to cope. I will always miss Bryan. My home will never be complete, my heart will always have huge hole.  I don't think I will ever stop anticipating a phone call or text  on special occasions, when Bryan would or should be worried about family member.  I will always have tears on the verge of falling. My smile will never be as bright but I will smile and laugh.

On this journey over the last year I have learned so much. I am more compassionate.  I sympathize so much with addicts and their families. I have learned to cherish the little moments in each day with each person.   Life can change in a blink of an eye and not just because you may not have them