Where was God?

On this day eight years ago, I received the call that made my worst nightmare come true and no parent should have to receive. “Bryan has overdosed. The paramedics are working on him, and have been for a while. They have been working on him for a long time.”  That phone call will play forever in my head. I still can hear every word and feel every emotion.

This is a hard post to write, not just because of the emotional side but because I turned my back on God, not so much turned away from him but ignored Him. I wouldn’t or maybe couldn’t acknowledge his presence in my nightmare. I ignored the soft whispers, the nudges and the comforts He was giving me. I questioned where he was. He was with me and my family the whole time from the first call until now. It’s taken me a long time to see His work, to realize I wasn’t alone, to see for myself the promises in the Bible are for me and are not just not for the people of the Bible.

Many of you have heard or were by my side during the worst days of my life. I am going to share with you, a different perspective, a look back at where God was.

I missed the first couple of calls which was a blessing since I was in a Las Vegas convention center full of young dancers and their families. The first call I answered was from my sister. I am sure not the call she wanted to make, she was on vacation with her family in Colorado and she had to break the news to. “Bryan overdosed you need to call Mom.”  God was there. He let me hear it from the one person that I would take it seriously, the one person that has been there and stood by my side in every ugly, hard messy moment of my life.

The next call I made to Mom but she did answer a police officer did. God was there he was preparing me for what was to come. “Bryan overdosed. The paramedics are working on him and have been working on him for a long time”. He was basically telling me Bry was gone. God didn’t have my mom tell me. Can you imagine having to tell your daughter her son was dying?

God was there for the next phone call to Mom telling her I was in line to get on my flight to Salt Lake and would be there in a few hours. Again Mom didn’t answer. This time her Bishop answered. His last words to was” I don’t know how to tell you this”. I hung up. I knew but I never had to hear the words “Bryan died” or “He’s dead.”  Mom again didn’t have to tell me. As I was standing in line to get on the airplane, I lost it.God was there. He has some sweet lady standing right beside me. She asked me who I lost. I must have said or yelled something, I don’t remember. When I told her she held me and prayed with me. She gave me water and had the gate attendant take me onto the flight. The gate attendant found a seat at the front of the plane. It just so happened I sat next to a young man that was on his way to get help with his drug addiction. I was able to talk and pray with him. Think it was just a coincidence?

When Krystal got her phone call. God was there. She was with her best friend, Bryce. She wasn’t alone. He and his Mom made sure Krystal got an airline ticket and took her to the airport. Before she left for the airport she was comforted by the best neighbor.  She was able to be comforted by a father figure. Kent would say he didn’t do much but he was a huge blessing at the time.

I didn’t make it to my parents house before The Coroner had picked him up for the autopsy. I did not have a chance to say good bye. God was there. The mortician that was helping us just happened to be related to my Aunt. After much perseverance from both my mom and he me, he consented to me being able to view Bryan before he was cremated. Not the most ideal situation but had the mortician been anyone else that would not have happened.

My last God moment I am  going to tell in this post is going to see Bryan. I didn’t want to go by myself but didn’t want my family to have to experience seeing Bryan through glass and that being their last memory. I didn’t want Krystal to go because I didn’t want her last time seeing her brother after an autopsy had been performed. It’s not the best look for someone. I asked one of my oldest friends to take me. Can I just say Lauren is an angel. She is an RN and works in the ER. She had dealt with this kind of stuff a lot but it’s different when it is personal. Her son was also addicted to drugs and had a few very close calls. She was absolutely amazing. She knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. She put all of her own personal feelings and emotions on hold and was there to only support me. God gave her the exact words she needed to say and when. She listened and spoke at exactly the right times. It was so surreal.

There are so many more moment I could share. If you’re going through a hard time, know God is there. He is comforting you, protecting you, guiding you. He puts people in your path at exactly the right time. He listens an cares for you. If you believe  Jesus is your Lord and savior you have been adopted into God’s family. He is your Father!

Today, I am going to try to change the way I think of this day. Yes it is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but it is also the anniversary of knowing and experiencing God love for me and my family. This is what It means to count your trial as joy.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Time

I haven’t posted anything for awhile. I still miss him more than words can express. I still have my deep moments of grief. Time doesn’t heal the pain it might dull it a little. But what time does, it allows you coping mechanisms ,to help you function in every day life.  Time gives you another day,or minute to improve your coping to deal wi th the next minute day, week, month or year that will come.

So it’s been almost 7 years since he left this earth (still really hard to say died).    I still have really hard days and there are times I cry and hide from the world. However, probably in the last six months to a year, I don’t want to die.  I never had a plan to die but I wanted to die. Many scenarios played in my head, car crash, cancer some kind of freaky accident.  When people said to be safe most of the time in my head I would say “why? That won’t get me to my goal.”  Unfortunately I did actually say it to my husband. I can’t imagin hearing those words from someone I love.

I have done many thing to help me cope some healthy and some not so healthy that has has cost me a lot. The latest is one of the most unhealthy.  I racked up $25,000 in credit card debt. This almost cost me my marriage. I am working really hard to get paid off and have come clean to my husband family and friends. Time also deceives. It always makes you think you have more than you do.

Time. It helps and hurts.   It’s given me the gift of coping enough that I don’t want to die. But now I need to use it to get out of debt and find healthier ways of coping




Thank you to all of you who support me and let me tell you the same memory 100+ times. Thanks to my family that put up with me even when my coping mechanisms fail.

You're presence is always missed

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I felt the void of having you here all week. The memories flooded my mind. never know when those moments will come. As I was making the pumpkin cheesecake I thought how you would have thrown a fit because it broke tradition and you would want just a pumpkin pie.  I missed you stealing the food as I prepared it and listening to Christmas music. I missed hearing your laugh and your humor and sarcasm dinner. Today I went Black Friday shopping, i wondered over to the men's department to look at the funky underwear. You always protested them but loved wearing them. You made sure we knew when you had your Christmas underwear. Most of the time you mooned all of us so we got to look at them. Bryan I miss you.  What I wouldn't give to fight over the last piece of pumpkin pie, hear you argue with your sister, laugh at your own joke or feel your arms around me in a hug. I would love to snuggle on the couch with you and Krystal to watch the parade. To hear you complain that the parade was stupid. Love you, Bub.  I miss you so much.

4 years

It's the 4 year anniversary of your death. Finally I can say I am okay and doing okay with my new normal. It's not to say it doesn't suck or that there are still some days it's hard to get out of bed. I can smile without feeling bad I can laugh without feeling guilty.  I can be around recovering addicts without thinking why didn't Bryan get that chance.   Life goes on.  I have given myself permission to be happy.

It's not been easy  it's bee a roller coaster ride.  There has been many times I wanted off and thought about ways to get off the roller coaster.  No One should ever have to go through that much pain and heartache. I know there is beauty in the ashes.  And good that comes from everything. I want to see the good eventually. I haven't found it but it's there somewhere.

There is so many things I wish I could talk to you about. All of the things that happen in life.  Krystal's new boyfriend, no I don't like him yet.  And yes he feels the same about me.  Lori's new house. Krys's new job, Heather being a senior.  Kyle going to college.  Me possibly looking for a job. Stuart's struggles with showing Krys how much he cares.  My struggles with Grandma and Grandpa.  Meg's struggles having her Mom date again. I always loved to talking with you. You always made me smile and laugh. 

Bub, I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.  You will always be my ray of sunshine.  What I wouldn't give to hear "watsup" or "Mommy' I love you."  I will always wonder what you would be doing or where you would be? Would you be clean? Raising a family?  I will never have those answers so for now you will be in my heart and I will be be content with life moving on. 

http://youtu.be/JIVaUcE4kAM

The wave of sadness

I never had a true panic attack, this is the closest I have ever come.  It's really not a panic attack, it's the wave of grief, sadness and despair. From what I have heard from patients and people I know that have panic attacks it feels similar. I had this feeling the moment I lost Bry   I have had several since then. Some last just a few minutes but the can last for days.  I don't get them as often as I did at the beginning.

I feel it coming.  The feeling is so strong I can see it. It's the the black a big black wave.  I want to avoid it hitting me ,maybe I can keep busy enough or run in the other direction, my feet won't move. It feels like something is holding on to my ankle and I can't run away.maybe distract myself with the people all around me.so many people but no one sees the desperation.  No one hears my silent screams.  Can't they see it coming. Can't they feel it. They are all acting so normal.  Maybe they see but they don't want to acknowledge either. Maybe they trying to act like it's not there like I am.  No, I don't think so. I think they know what's happening.   They see it they just think I can do it by myself. I always make it. They are not worried what if this time I can't.  What if this Time I don't make it out? What happens if it really does suck me to the pits of Hell and I don't come back.  Oh God please help me. There is so many people but no one is helping me. They are leaving me to deal with it alone.

There is no hiding it's coming.  It's coming so fast. I see it coming in slow motion. It's forming a circle around me. I know when it hits, it's going to hurt.  Every part of my body will feel it.  It's getting so dark. It's so thick.  It keeps getting closer. I can't get away. My feet are heavy and won't move.It's engulfing me.  Coming in every direction.  Please someone help me.  Make it go away.  At the very least someone make it stop before if swallows me.  Please help me!  Please God please.   No one is helping me.  It's coming from all directions. My heart is beating so fast, pounding so fast. I am screaming no one hears.  My chest is so heavy.  I am fighting it trying to hit it, push it, punch it.  My feet won't move. I can't fight it it's too big and it's everywhere it's in back and in front of me it's on both sides.  It's coming from above me and below me. I am still screaming but now there's no sound coming out.  I am crying. I am so scared.  I can't breath.  Please God let me die.  This hurts too much.  I can't take it.  Help me please!  Anyone please, please help me!  It's pitch black.  There's a dense fog all around me.  It's so dense I feel it. So thick I couldn't cut it if I have a knife.  I am crouched down in the fetal position.. Just beyond the fog is a wall, it feels like steel.  I can't get out.  I am crying and screaming for help, no one hears.  Every bone in my body feels broken.  My chest feels like it's going explode with pain.   I want it to stop.  Please please help me.  Someone get me out.  Please God.  I can make it stop.  There is only one way out.  The pain will go away I will be able to move again.  No! Stop! You can't think that way

The moment I think I will suffocate and my chest will explode.  The moment I think there is only one way out I start to think of a plan.   It starts to subside.  The fog gets less dense I can wiggle my feet, my heart is pounding less hard.  I can start to exhale.  The walls are starting to lift. A little less pressure in my chest. I can inhale but not a complete breath yet.  As everything lifts slowly.  All of my body functions return to normal. The pain subsides and all that's left is the ache in my chest.  This is a constant reminder of you, how I will never be whole again, how much I miss you, how I long to talk to you, and hear you laugh.

That time of year is here again

As I have said before, Halloween starts one of the time of year I miss Bryan even more than normal.  Halloween starts my Holiday season. Bryan loved dressing up, trick or treating and all the free candy. I think he found a way to go trick or treating every year, even if it was to go with a little kid so he could get candy.

This year is so much different, I spent yesterday with my favorite one year old grand daughter, Ily.  I could have sworn Bryan was sitting at the table telling Ily to act goofy.  As she sat there doing raspberries with water in her mouth and telling me no no no.  I wanted to catch her spitting water on video and don't you know every time the camera came out she would stop.  I kept thinking how Bryan would have laughed at her. No I did not tell her to stop. She also made me laugh when she threw a fit when she didn't get her way. It was so much fun spending the day with her and laughing at her even smiling when I thought of how much Bry would love his niece. David, I think Krystal is right, Bryan's curse was passed to you.  She is so much like Krystal and Bryan.  

This year I am also leaving on a cruise with my sister.  I am so excited.  He would want me to have such a great time. Of course I think he would have tried to convince Lori to take him.  So instead of remembering him with tears, this year I am able to smile and laugh when I remember him.  I miss him so much. 

3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.  

2 1/2 years later

2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell.  It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had.  A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or  say I wouldn't have it any other way.  If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.

My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles.  Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life.  Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death.  Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward.  That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.

I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty.   I can feel other  emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving.  I care again.  There is and probably always be times I want to "just die."  But it's not every minute hour day or week.  I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday.  It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.

After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine.  I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life.  Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.

Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth.   I love you Bryan.  You are free.

Better day

Yesterday was a very bad day and the blog definitely showed it. Today is a better day. Much!  I saw this video on Pinterest today. It reminded me very blessed I am that I am Bryan's mom.  Yesterday I was feeling like a failure as a mom. All of the horrible thoughts of if only, I should have, ect were in mind.  I have thought about every bad mom moment I have had and blamed myself for Bryan's addictions and consequent his death, for the past 2 plus years. I had a lot of them. Sometimes I think more bad than good.  Somewhere down the line there must have had some pretty good moments. My 25 year old drug using gang member son called me mommy until the day he died. He told his friends I was his hero. Me, his mom!  He made his friends stop cursing in front of me and on his Facebook.  He made his friend meet me when I was in town.  He was proud of me.  There is a song that made him think of me when he heard it. It was played at his funeral. Its exactly what he thought of me. The song is Running My Mom Crazy.

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I am not saying any of that to brag.  There are lots of moms that read this blog and think you are a bad mom or your bad mom moments out weigh the good moment, if you have someone ask your kids what they think about you, I bet we all. Would get similar answers to the video.  Moms keep doing what your doing. You are someone's hero!

I have to start my thankful list today.  I am thankful God gave me the privilege to be Bryan, Krystal, Kyle , and Heather's mom.  What a blessing I have in each one of them. Each have taught me far more than I have taught them..  They are my heart and soul.  My world would not be complete if I hadn't had them. Thank you, God for entrusting each of these precious souls to me.  Help me to overcome my iniquities.

Back on the roller coaster

I thought I would make this year. I tried to keep myself busy. I had scheduled myself to work today and tomorrow so I wouldn't think about him and I could avoid the head on collision of the emotional train.  I think I might have missed it if I didn't hurt my knee and had to take today and tomorrow off.  

The emotional train hit when I wasn't looking. There is so much I want back.  I want to be normal, I want this hole in my soul to go away, not get bigger.  I really never knew how much your kids are apart of you. I knew they were my world but until I lost bray I didn't really knew exactly what that meant. People say time heals all wounds.  It doesn't. It just changes the wound and creates scat tissue that hurts more when it's ripped open. 

I know it's been two years and I shouldn't feel this bad and I should accept he's gone. I can't. I try to paste on a smile and go on with my life. It doesn't work.  I have heard all of the cliches. I know people are tried of hearing about Bryan or they don't want to bring his name up for whatever reason. I want/need to talk about him and hear stories of him. He is apart of me and by talking about keeps that part of me alive. 

Yes this is an extremely bad day and I am venting.  I know this too shall pass but right now I feel  like the line in Steel Magnoilias when Sally Feild say something to the effect of I just want to hit someone until they are in as much pain as I am.  I miss my baby boy. I miss his laugh and him making a bad day good with a stupid joke.  I miss him making me laugh when I am so mad I could strangle him.  I miss his phone calls. 

I started on the roller coaster I wanted to avoid. The train hit.  The roller coaster won't stop until after February.  Then I will be on a different roller coaster.  When you read this or you think of me do something kind for someone, make someone's day, be the blessing that someone needs.   That's exactly what I am going to do as soon as I pull myself together enough that I can leave the house.  

" I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13 

One day can change your life

Two years ago today I got the phone call that every parent fears. The phone call, forever changed my life and ripped my heart out of my chest, shredded it and left a huge hole that can not be mended or filled.  That phone call, or series of phone calls started me on a journey, a journey I didn't expect nor want to go on.  One I don't ever want to repeat or wish upon anyone ever.

Let me start at the beginning of the journey.  Some of you may have read this before, you can skip to to where the journey is taking me now.  My journey start Friday, July 15, 2011 at 1:15Vegas time. I had gone to Vegas with Stuart, Kyle and Heather for a dance competition.  We had brought Sam, a friend of Heather's, that was also in the competition. We had been there for a few day was at the last award ceremony then we were to start the road trip home.  First phone call was from my mom, which I didn't answer thinking she was calling to check how Heather was doing in the competition. Next two phone call are with in a minute of the first one from my mom again one from my sister.  Now I know something is wrong, I leave the award ceremony to check my messages. First from mom " CALL ME!" As I am starting to listen to the next message my brother in law calls me. I answer it "hello. what's going on?"

Randy: "you need to call your mom it looks like Bryan has od'd.  Me "what?!?" Randy: "Trish, call your mom now Bryan overdosed."  My head starts spinning nothing is really making sense. The dots aren't connecting. 

I hang up dial Mom's number. Me: hello

Police officer:  this is officer x from the Layton city police.

Me.: I need to talk to my mom.  (Dots still not connecting)

Officer: Is this Trish? Bryan's mom.

Me yes I need to talk to my mom. How do you know?

Officer your mom is too upset to talk.  Mrs Booth Bryan has apparently overdosed he is unconscious and not breathing (i didnt hear that part)Paramedics are working on him now and have been working on him for awhile.

Me did they give him narcan?

Officer they are doing everything (dots not connecting). 

Me I will be there as soon as I can I am in Vegas.  

I go into the award ceremony tell Stuart we have to go NOW! As we are getting the kids I am trying to tell Stuart what's happening.  We get to the hallway and he starts asking me questions I don't have answers for.  Dots are starting to connect but not completely I have him call moms phone. He speaks to the officer for a few minutes. Stuart asks me how I want to get to Utah fly or should we start driving. I chose fly. He drives me to the Vegas airport and drops me off.  I go in stand in line in the shortest line I see. They can't get me there and won't tell me what airline can get me there but say southwest flies to salt lake.  I go to southwest s line the longest line there is.  They put me on standby for flight leaving in 20 minutes. They tell me to hurry they will try to hold the plane for me.  I make through security and yes of course I was the chosen one that got frisked. As I get to the gate the gate agent calls my name. I am on the flight.

Next call to moms cell phone.  3:15

Me: hello

Moms bishop hello

Me: can I talk to my mom

Bishop: she's pretty upset I am taking calls for her

Me: this is Trish Bryan's mom. Can you tell my mom I am on my way my flight is leaving in a few minutes. When I get there I assume you are at Davis North.

Bishop: ok I will tell her and yes we are.

Me. I assume I am going to go to ICU when I get to the hospital to see Bryan

Bishop: I don't know how to tell you this...

Me: ok so don't  

I then hang up but all the dots connected.  Reality just struck my son is dead.

So began the journey of a grieving parent. It's the hardest journey anyone could  go on. In the beginning I felt like I not only lost my son but my mind.  I would get lost going to the store or back home from the store, forget what I was doing. It wasn't the normal forgetfulness when I lost my train of thought, it didn't come back.  Getting out of bed took every once of energy I had.  I wanted to die and thought about death a lot. I put walls up to prevent me from getting hurt again. I wanted people around me but wanted to be left alone.  I pushed people away, I wouldn't call people back I was just plain nasty to family and friends close to me.  I blamed myself. 

After the first year I could see what I was doing and knew I had to pull myself together.  I had no idea how.  I could see I was hurting people, truthfully I didn't care, but I wanted to care. I wanted to go back to the nice caring person I was before but I had built way to many walls to even know where to start.  I was a mess

This last year has been trying to find a happy medium between who I was before Bryan died and who I am becoming after loosing him.  I have had a lot of repairing of relationships and just letting go of some relationships.  I have a lot of forgiving to do, mostly forgiving myself of not being the mom I thought I should be or wanted to be. I also had to forgive Bryan which meant I had to accept and understand the fact that Bryan had made a lot decisions that had lead to him dying. 

Accepting and forgiving Bryan was hard. I didn't ever know I had to until my brother I aw died in May.  I got really mad at Randy for not taking care of himself and leaving Lori and Megan. I couldn't understand why I was so mad at him.  After a lot of prayer God showed me it was mad at Bryan for leaving me.  I wish I could say I understand, accept and forgive Bryan but I am still in the middle of it.  I might be in the middle for along time.

My journey as a grieving parent will never be through.  It will always be an uphill trail.  As I continue forward there are times now the ground levels out or even goes downhill for a few minutes.  I don't catch myself every time I laugh or smile. It's starting to become natural again. My world is not completely dark anymore. 

Writing this blog helps me to process my feelings but I pray that it will help another grieving parent.  Maybe to help the know they are not alone or maybe to realize they haven't gone crazy and maybe to know they can keep moving forward in their journey.  

I miss Bryan more every day.  I always wonder if he would have gotten clean, gone to college or got married and had kids.  How I could have prevented his death. I still don't know how to answer everyday questions. How many kids do you have? How old are they? What do they do? Where are they?  I don't think answering those questions well ever be natural or feel right.

Father's Day

This Fathers Day was harder than Mother's Day.  I am not exactly sure why.   I am thinking its because Bryan  and I had our traditions. I raised him as a single mom and did my best to fill the void he had of not having a dad. I taught him football, baseball and many other sports.  I took him fishing,baited hooks with worms ( not my favorite thing to do), I wanted him to be all boy. I probably went overboard and over compensated.  Bryan recognized my efforts, and from the time he was about 13 he always made a point of  wishing me a happy Fathers Day. I always talked to him sometime during the day.  I even got a few cards.

We had a good day as a family celebrating the day, but for me there was a huge piece of my heart missing.  I took a lot of pictures of the kids but all of the pictures are missing someone.  I always hesitate when taking pictures if the kids together and refuse to take a family photo.  I dont understand. He didn't even live in the same state and i got very few of all of the kids together and almost none of the entire damily, so why I have such a strong reaction to taking picture of the kids or family pictures?  Sometime I really don't understand the emotions and change grief causes.  It is not logical.

My venting is over now.  I miss my Bud. I will always love you. Happy Fathers Day!

Mother's Day 2013

Today is Mother's Day.  Its a day I no longer look forward to. I am not spending it as I expected. My expectations were I would spend the entire weekend at work and not have to deal with the reality of not having my son here to celebrate with. Instead, I am spending Mother's Day in Utah with my sister, niece and the rest of my original family celebrating the life and mouning the life of my brother in law, Randy.  I celebrated Mother's Day with my family before i left for Utah with breakfast in bed. they gave me a wonderful college of pictures of my kids growing up. We went for a bike ride. Later that night, Heather and I went to Flashdance the musical.  The day was very low key.  it was exactly the way I wanted to celebrate Mothers day, except I didn't get to see my oldest beautiful daughter.

Tuesday I left for Utah.

Randy's viewing was Thursday evening and Friday morning. I really didn't know if I could go and the give support Megan and Lori needed.  There are just to emotional scabs on my heart that have not healed. I didn't want have the tables turned and them have to hold me up because of my hurting heart.  I prayed that I would be able to get through it but not just get through it but be a source of strength for Lori and Megan.  God listened to my prayers and I didn't break down once. I was able to see and intervene to avoid possible problems for them.  I am so grateful for that.  

I have so much admiration for those two wonderful ladies. Lori handled everything with grace and dignity.  She is radiant and her love of God shines through her.  She is such a role model for me. I don't think I have ever been able to handle as well as she does.  Meg is such a beautiful and loving young lady.  She too, handled things very well.  For everything going on she dug deep, relied on her Savior to give her strength to pull her through. 

Saturday I was able to go to lunch with two of Bryan's friends.  Dave, one of best friends, Christina, a friend that Bryan always talked about and Dave's girlfriend. I was able to remember bryan and laugh at the memories. I was blessed and was reminded I am glad I had 25 years with him. He was bright, funny and always finding ways to get in trouble.  It was a wonderful Mother's Day present.  

Today I am spending the day with Mom, Dad, T, Lori and Megan. I am sure the day will be spent laughing and remembering Bryan and Randy.  As much as I didn't want to celebrate Mothers Day, I have had a week of celebrating, gratitude, inspirations and great presents.  I still would love to Bryan here, I am going into Mother's Day with an attitude of gratefulness instead of anxiousness. 

Praying parents

I really have to get something off my chest that's been bugging me for a little while.  I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. A few weeks ago there was a post on FB that stated how proud a parent was of a child.  The post went on to say the child was as good as he is and where he is because the parent prayed for him everyday.  That statement just rubbed me wrong.  Yes, I know I am over sensitive, I took the statement if Bryan would still be here and would not have done the drugs and joined the gang if I would have prayed more or prayed harder.

I did pray for Bryan on a daily basis, as I do for all my children.  As every parent I know prays for their children. I know praying parents whose children have been in horrible accidents, that have chosen a life of living on the streets and drugs, children that  died in their praying parents arm.  The reason isn't because the parent didn't pray hard enough or often enough. The bottom line is there is a bigger picture and My God has a plan for all of us.  We won't know the answers to the questions until we see God face to face.

I wish we could heal everyone with prayers, that wayward children would come home if we pray more or that another parents heart could be spared being torn in half  from losing a child by praying longer or harder.  For most of us parents, especially a parent that experienced a sick, a child that has had an accident or a wayward child, it's impossible to pray longer, harder or more often.  God does answer each prayer, but many times its not the way we want or expect.  God is with each of our children.  He guards them protects them, helps them with pain and discomfort.  He has been with every step of mourning Bryan.  He loves me. He loved Bryan even more than I did. He did answer my prayer, my child is at peace, no more pain, no more demons to fight, Bryan feels more love than I could give him.

My friend gave me a picture this picture when Bryan died.  I can't tell you how comforting this is.  Thank you Janeen.

Missing you today

Today is one of the hard days.  I have cried almost all day.  I thought it would get easier, it hasn't I have just gotten better about putting on a fake smile and going through my days. Days like today when I am alone there is nothing more I want to do than call you up and talk to you.  I want to hear you laugh, complain about your sister, or tell me funny stories about the two of you, I want to hear about your new girlfriend and how "this is the one." I want to hear that you are going to be a Dad. I want one more "I love you.or Waz up?"  I miss you even more than I thought was imaginable.

I still ask myself and God why? What could I have done? Why I didn't die first.  I would take your place if I could. I always ask would things be different if I were a better mom or if I had made different choices. There are so many other questions I ask.

There are still so many days I ask God to take me so I can be with you.  This pain and emptiness is like nothing I can explain or put into words.  The hole in my heart grows daily with thoughts of you.  There is many times I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.  Or go to sleep and wake up to find out this was just a nightmare and everything is normal again. That my heart is hole and there are no missing pieces.

People say time heals all wounds.  What a false statement.  Time doesn't heal the wound it just teaches you to cover it up and in a blink of an eye the wound will open up again and consume you.

I missed you on Superbowl telling me who was going to win and betting against me since my team was in it this year.  I missed the call I always got on Valentine's day.  When we went to Vegas I almost asked Stuart if we could pay for a ticket for you to come so I could see you.

Typing all this out seems to help. I can almost hear you say Mom, I am awight. You didn't do anything wrong.  I love you Mommy. but almost doesn't count in real life.

Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, I have made it through the holiday season without Bryan.  Well almost, we will see how tomorrow goes.  This has year has been tougher than I thought it would be.  Somewhere in myhead I thought it would be easier than last year.  It hasn't been easier, it has been different.

Last year I was still in shock over losing my precious baby boy. I know he was 25 but he will alway be my baby.  This year the reality of the never s hit.  I made new stockings for the family.  I made one for Bryan, as I started to piece it together and sew it I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality that his stocking will forever remain empty.  I will never get the chance to see his face brighten when he get a special treat in his stocking. I will never get that feeling I got when I scored the best christmas present for him. I never get to hear him laugh over the traditional Christmas boxers he got every year.

As I received the first Christmas card with the perfect family on it, it hit.  The reality that my family will always be incomplete.  I will never get family photos or pictures of all of my kids taken again because one will always be missing.  I did send a card this year but its not one of all of together, it had to be a college of pictures so I could make sure include Bryan.  I know some will be offended but he will forever be part of my family. Even writing the Christmas letter felt weird, I wasn't wasn't able to write of Bryan's accomplishments.  

Last year decorating for Christmas was unbearable.  Not the Bryan liked to decorate but he loved to the food and snacks that was around when decorating.  This year it wasn't unbearable but made me very sad.  Another reality Bryan would never beg me to make my caramels or sugar cookies.  He will never complain about putting all of the ornaments on the tree, or hearing all the old stories about the special ornaments and listening to all the "gay" Christmas music. Yes I even miss his complaining and whining.

As tomorrow comes there will be another harsh reality.  I will never again have the opportunity of waking up on Christmas morning with all of my children gathered around the Christmas tree with eagerness to open presents.  

As Krystal, Kyle, and Heather open their pajamas today my mind will drift back to a time when my family was complete.  Tomorrow morning opening presents, I will be even more aware of the huge gaping hole in my heart. I will put on a happy face and hide the tears that will be trying to escape.  I will thank God for the 25 years I had with Bryan and pray His grace will get me through the day.

I miss you Bub.  Merry Christmas! Please come home for Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. I miss Bryan more everyday. I woke up this morning,turned on the tv to watch the parade.  A tradition I had with my older kids when they were smaller.  We would have breakfast in cuddled on the couch watching the parade after breakfast we would all be board with the parade and start preparing food for the day.  They would help with whatever we were making.  They would steel marshmallows lick spoons and taste test everything.  I miss those days. 

Bryan's favorite was pumpkin pie, he took after his mom.  We would always fight for the last piece, usually he would win (only because he ate it in middle of the night) but there was many times he would bring me the pie with an extra fork and we would share it.

I miss the phone calls I got on every holiday that we weren't together.  "Hi Mommy. Happy Thanksgiving.  I love you!"  He would always tell me what food he had or was going to have.  I would always hear "no one can do pumpkin pie like you". I wish I could hear it all again.  

Halloween

This is the time of year I have a love/hate relationship with. I used to love this time of year. It was the start of the Holiday season for me. My kids loved Halloween. Bryan especially. He loved anything that food or candy was involved. He loved to dress up and loved to get candy. I think he went trick or treating right up to the end. I think he said he was chaperoning a small child. He used to say he was going to steal some little kids bag just to get their candy. Instead of stealing candy he always found some little goblin that was crying or fell and dropped his candy. He would help the little kid pick up his candy or tell him to stop crying, then he would share his candy. He couldn't stand a little one crying. It always brought tears to my eye (and still does) at how big of heart Bryan had. He always wanted everyone to believe he was tough, he was one giant teddy bear.

Bryan liked to dress up but he loved the time with me and Krystal discussing our plans of the costumes, making or buying them and putting the final touches on them. My favorite was when he decided he was going to be a cheerleader and then chickened out and was a bloody dead cheerleader because it was more manly. This year I think he will try to be a devil. I can hear him arguing with St. Peter. He always loved a good debate!

 This year is the second year of the hate part of the relationship with this time of year. I guess for obvious reasons. He is not here. But I hate the flood of emotions I have with every memory. So happy yet so sad. The double edge sword pierces and then chops up my heart. I have already started the insomnia and the dreams. My guess is they will stick around until after the first of the. The roller coaster of emotions will get higher and lower.

November 1 I will start writing on my other blog what I am thankful for. However today I will start the list on here. I am so thankful that I got to be Bryan's mom. What an awesome privilege it was and is. There were a lot of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, failure and accomplishment but I wouldn't change anything about those special 25 years except that when and how he left this earth. I am so blessed to have had him. He could always make me smile and at the same time I would be madder than heck at him.

 I want to ask everyone that if you knew Bryan or know me and how much I want Bryan to be remembered positively, and not just as the kid that was fun to party with and od'd, please do at least one random act of kindness during this Holiday season in the his memory. I am guessing this would be pretty much all of you if your reading this. I would love to hear what kind of acts were done to keep Bryan's memory alive. Leave a comment, post it on Facebook, text me. If you don't want to tell me the act could you please let me know you did one?

Silly reminder

Someone has a warped sense of humor. I admit it made me smile

Today when I pulled a pair of jeans off the closet a pair of Bryan's boxers fell on my head. I know they were Bryan's because no one else in the family wears boxers. Bryan has been gone 15 months now. I have been pulling jeans and pants off my shelf almost everyday sense then  I have even stood on my bed to look up there. Never have I seen a pair of his boxers up there.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how they got up there. I can say I smiled and chucked to myself.  It's the kind of thing that would make our family smile and shake our heads. Bry, I love you so much. It was nice to have a silly reminder of you even you did wear them on your skanky  butt!

Missing you

I miss you, Bryan.  I miss your laugh, your silly joke, the I am in trouble phone call,the girlfriend sagas but mostly I just miss you. It's been 438 day since you went away, not that I am counting or anything. Everyday seems like a thousand. I don't cry as much anymore, my mind is mostly back and I don't think I am certifiably crazy anymore, although your brother and sisters might not agree.  I smile a little more although the smiles don't quite make it to my eyes.  I don't feel as guilty laughing and enjoying stuff that you would enjoy..  I know you would want me to enjoy life, and I am trying but there is such a major void a part of me that's not there anymore.

There are so many things that remind me of you, recessess peanut better cups, pumpkin pie, funny boxers, McDonalds, your blanket.  There is so many things I have the thought I am going to ca...but then I remember I can't call you.  You're favorite time of year is upon us again. Halloween through Christmas.  The way to YOUR heart truly was through food.  I could make smile just by telling you I made a pie, or buying you a candy bar. I miss fighting over pumpkin pie.  

There are so many things I want your opinion on.  You are so interwoven in my life even though you're not here.  So many things make me think of you.  Thanks for being my son and teaching me so many lessons of life.

I really didn't mean for this to be sad and depressing.  I just wanted to talk with you to feel you by my side again.  Yep you guessed it I want to hear "mommy I love you!"

Until we meet again.

I love you Bub. Don't do anything that will get you in to too much trouble.  Hope your having a good time!