Bryan's Birthday

Saturday was Bryan's birthday.  I lived through it with some help from some very special people.  I have to admit I was pretty depressed and in a very foul mood for a week or two before his birthday.

After Bryan died there wasn't a day I didn't pray to God to take me too.  The whole in my heart was so enormous, I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only thing I knew that would take the pain away.  The last few months I haven't said that prayer very often.Yes there are still days when I do.  The weeks before his birthday I was saying that prayer on at least a daily basis.  Have you ever got so low you couldn't pray because the words just wont come?  I was in that spot.

Thank God for his timing!  I have to say I made it through his birthday because of my big sister that wouldn't let me give up and prayed for me constantly.  Thank you!!  The day was also made easier by all the people that remembered Bryan that day and sent me a text or posted something on his facebook or thought of me and posted something on mine.

However the turning point for me was when I recieved an instant message from one of Bryan's friends telling me she had gotten off of drugs, had been clean for a year and telling me her life has changed for the better.  I will cherish that forever.

I then got a comment on one of the previous posts that from another friend of Bryan's that she too has been drug free for almost a year and is changing her life as well.  I can't even tell you how wonderful that make me feel.  Bryan is having a positve influence on people. Something good is coming from my son's death.  Bryan's death was not in vain.  Better yet I know how happy he would be that he helped someone get clean.

About six months before he died he told me he wanted to get his life straight so he could go into teen counselling to help kids in trouble.  He said Mom I want to help these kids so they don't put their Moms through what I have put you through.  One person would make it all worth it!  Bryan got what he wanted.  He got 2 that he helped.

Thanks to the girls that took the time to email me.  You both are wonderful and a I am praying for you daily.  Keep up the hard work.

Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that also is helping soothe my soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

I am a Grandma

I have been in Utah since Wednesday. It has been an interesting visit and that is understating the last few days. As usual since last July i have had many mixed emothions. I came for my niece's graduation. A lot of people don't understand how you can have mixed emotions on such a happy occasion. I really can't explain it except to say I am truly happy for the occasion but miss Bryan so deeply and want him to share the experience with the me. Every special holiday opens up the wound and rubs salt in it. It just hurts!
I am so proud of Megan. She has become such a sweet, loving, compassionate young woman. During the festivities Bryan's presence was felt. He would have been so proud and he would have bragged to just about everyone he knew. Having Bryan's best friend my adopted son, Dave, at them made things a lot easier. Besides all of Megan's festivities.
I had the privledge of spending time with Dave's daughter.she is such a cutie. I am so proud she calls me Grandma Trish. I must admit it is kind of weird being called Grandma. I also found out Bryan has a little boy. I think he is about 6 and looks just like him. The problem is the mother of the little boy is denying its his to me. Even though she admitted to others it's his.i would love to beable to be a part of this little guy's life. It's a answer to a prayer that there would be a little part of him running around. However, i am asking for prayers that this little boy's mom will come around and let me watch him grow up and be a part of his life. It fills a little part of my broken heart, knowing there is a little Bryan running around causing havoc!
After finding out I am a grandma and spending time with my grand daughter Maddy, I want to shout it from the rough tops that I am a Grandma times 2!! I am a truly blessed girl! I thank God for answered prayer.
I have a few more days here I plan on spending time with Megan and some old friends. I will also continue torelish feeling Bryan's presence.

Maddy having a fun day with Grandma!

Price of drugs and miracles

There are so many thoughts rumbling through my head on what to write.  I have so many questions without answers and some of the questions the answers I come up with I don't like.

Its been more than 10 months since Bryan chose to take the heroin that took his life.  The last year as been rough to say the least.  At this time last year I was having frequent conversations with Bryan to please get into a drug rehab and that I would do what ever I could to pay for it.  His response to me was always the same "mom you don't have to worry.  I am not stupid I know what I am doing.i have everything under control."  This year has been a roller coaster. If I am honest with you and myself the roller coaster ride began long before that fateful day.  The roller coaster ride really began the first time Bryan chose to do his first hit, an/or his first drink.  I believe he was addicted after his very first time.  I can't prove it but that's my belief.  I have to continually tell myself it was his choice.  It may not have been his choice to die but he knew what the consequences could be from the first time he choose to do drugs.  I was the parent that always had the conversations that other parents didn't want to have.  I answered the questions and gave truthful answers.I was also the parent that many of my kids friends would come talk to because they knew I would be honest with them.  Bryan knew what drugs and alcohol could do to a person and how it could affect the lives of others around him.

The drugs he took robbed him, me and my family of many memories that will never come to pass.  I never got to see my son graduate from high school, get married, or have kids.  I will never be called Grandma by a little boy that looks and talks like him.   I will never know what he chose as his career or see him excited about a promotion. They robbed Bryan of things that he would have loved to be a part of, his Grandma's remarriage, seeing his cousins graduate, seeing his little sisters get married possibly even walking Krystal down the isle.  He will never get the chance to call me old again.  Instead of the happy memories that could have been, his family, friends and I get to remember the phone calls from jail, wondering where he was when no one could get a hold of him and yes we get the memory of how we found out he overdosed and was no longer with us.   Drugs stole his common sense He couldn't handle and didn't have it under control.  Not that I ever thought he did when it came to him doing drugs.

I often ask God what makes him decided who and what miracles he gives to people.  I know several people that have received miracles but not the miracles they wanted.  I got a miracle that my child is never going to have to fight the demon of drugs again but the miracle I wanted was my son off of drugs and he was a true success story.  He had a family and a career and helped people with their addictions.  I have a friend that got a miracle he son lived and is functional after jumping off a bridge. Only to have her son still addicted to those nasty drugs.  Now she wonders what changes the next phone call will have in store for her.  I don't think that is exactly the miracle she was looking for.  I have another friend that her grandson had a fence fall on him that left him with brain damage and now she gets to watch her grandson and daughter and son in law wonder what other changes tomorrow will bring.  I am pretty sure that is not the miracle they wanted. I am not saying that me or the others would change our miracles.  These miracles have taught us to rely on God, made us stronger and have made us who we are and are continually changing us into who God wants us to be. 

I am not mad at Bryan or at God.  I just have questions with no answers.  I guess someday when I get to the pearly gates I will have the answers but for now I will keep asking the questions.  I will keep telling Bryan's story so maybe one time when someone is making a decision to do drugs or not the answer will be to not do them.  Maybe he will think of Bry for just a half a second and decide to walk away.

Mother's Day

Its almost been 10 months.  I know you guys are all getting tired of hearing how long it's been but it's become a part of me.  This is Mother's day weekend.  I can say I am not excited and I want to just forget about celebrating being a Mom.  Yes I know I have 3 other children, I love them but I was his mom first.  I hate celebrating being a mom without him.  It doesn't make sense but I gave up on making sense.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  I am working this weekend which I was hoping would be a good thing however I have a feeling I will be with the Mommies and babies at work helping them celebrate the love that has been created by just being a Mom 

There is a lot going on in the next few weeks and months.Mother's Day of course, I have to face to first 2 life events in the family since Bryan died. I am going to Utah and for the first time in 10 years he won't be there to hang out with. Bryan's birthday is in June as well as Father's Day. I know what youre thinking why is Father's Day a big deal.  He used to wish me a Happy Father's Day saying I was the best mom and dad he could have! Then the 1 year mark in July. Not a day I am looking forward to except to say I survived a year when I didn't think I would.

This month both Stefanie and Meg graduate.  The first of many life events that will happen without Bryan.  I am so happy and happy for my nieces.  Its so hard because I want him there to tell them how proud he is of them.  He loved both of them so much.  He thought of both them more as sisters.  He would have protected and beat up any boy that ever hurt them.  I want to hear him give them a hard time and tell them how smart they think they are and how no boy will ever be good enough for them.  Stef and Meg, Bryan would be so proud and loved you both so much.  He would tell you both to go after your dreams and don't look back.  Don't stop till you have reached the stars!

Since it is Mother's Day I decided to end this post on a happy not and with a happy memory or Bryan me and Krystal

When we were living in Peoria, money was tight but the kids had asked if we could go out to lunch for Mother's Day.  I said we could but we would have to go somewhere inexpensive and get the cheapest thing on the menu.  We chose applebys.  While we were waiting to be seated Bryan went to get something from the car. When Bryan was out the door, a gentleman that was leaving asked to talk to Bryan.  He asked Bryan if I was a single Mom.  Bry said "yes my dad died when I was small."  The guy gave him money and told him to treat me to a good Mother's Day lunch and to get me some flowers.

Bryan came back and said we can order whatever we want and get dessert.  He then asked if I would take him to Walmart after lunch. I said we can't get whatever we want I don't have enough money for a big dinner.  He told me about the gentleman that gave him money.  He wouldn't tell me how much he gave him.  I took him to walmart and he and Krystal bought flowers and a present for me. Bryan later told me he spent all but $2 for dinner and the presents.  He then gave me the change.  If you knew Bryan he never gave me back the change!  One of the best Mother's Days ever!

8 month mark

Yes it has already been eight months, again this has been the longest and shortest 8 months of my life.  Everything is such an emotional roller coaster.  The highs are still very high and the lows are still very low.  Anything, anyone or anyplace can trigger the tidal wave.  I often wonder if it is always going to be this way, I have to say I think the answer is yes.  I hope it will get so there is not such vast dips and highs but for now this is life and I am learning to deal with it.There are still many sleepless nights and I almost constantly have a headache.

One of things I hate the most is when I get jealous of when one my friends' kids have lifetime events, like getting married, having babies, graduating from college, going into the military.  I don't know how I can be so happy for my friends and so jealous of them at the same time.

These events always make me ask myself and God the questions that have no answers, well at least not in this lifetime.  Lately I ask why a lot.  Why him? Why me? Why couldn't I get miracle here on earth?  Why did God take him to end his addiction? Why does he have to be the example of what not to do?  My answer that has come to me in the last few weeks is the same. Why not?  and  Why do you think you should have been spared?  God never said we would not have trials and hard times.  In fact he said just the opposite. That is tough one to swallow.  The other answer that comes is you are not the only one that has lost a son.  There went my pity party pretty quick.  

The grief process sucks.  There is nothing easy about it.  However, I am making progress.  Most people won't remember Bryan for all the things I want them to remember him for but when one of his cousins, friends, brother or sister thinks about doing drugs, they may stop and remember how it ended for Bryan and walk away from them.  Its not the legacy I want for Bryan but its a legacy and he will be remembered for a very long time by a lot of people.  And in the end I think at least one person will not fall into the same trap or at least ask and get the help they need to get out of the trap.

I miss him and always will.  I will always jump when the phone rings, I will always have a half a second when I think it might be him.  I will also always know deep down because of him someone made the right choice.

For good

The last few night I have been missing Bryan.  The dreams of the last few times I saw him or talked to him, along with big waves of emotions have come back.  Not that they went away completely, the just weren't a prominent part of every moment and every place I go.

I went to Wicked with my girls on Sunday.  It was a fabulous play.  I had never seen it before.  I think it has moved up to my favorite.  As I was sitting in the audience before it started and during intermission I keep thinking of the first and only time I took Bryan to a Broadway Production.  I took him to Lion King in Salt Lake. I bought tickets for Krys, Bryan and me. not knowing if bryan would want to go or not and thinking I would probably end up taking my niece or sister if he bailed.  When I told him about the tickets his eyes lit up and he was almost insulted when I told him he didn't have to go, I could invite someone else to go with me.  I couldn't get tickets all together there was 2 seats together and one seat a few rows in front.  Bryan volunteered to sit by himself.  The guy next to us offered his seat to Bryan.  Bryan was so happy he could sit by me.  It was always the little things that would make his day.  Watching Bryan and Krystal watch the show was such a great Mom moment.  I loved both the both of the kids reactions and how they were both so mesmerized by the acting and music.  I remember how he posted on facebook "a thug like me is going to the other side and going to be with the high society."  I held it together though until towards the end when they sang "For Good".  Then tears came to my eyes because they were singing it to me.  I know because of Bryan I am a better mom, and I was changed for good because I knew him, because I was blessed to be his Mom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfHIo5-kU

Last night was pretty rough as well.  Every time I fell asleep I would dream of him, they were the same dreams I have been having since July 15 but they wouldn't stop and I kept waking up shortly after I fell asleep.  I went upstairs and got the blanket I got for him for his last Christmas.  There is really nothing special about it but that it is really soft and it was his. I wrapped it around me and went to bed.  It was almost like he was wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug, almost like sleeping with him when he was little and he was sick but this time it was me that need him not the other way around. I don't know what it is about a blanky that can make things better but the big brown blanket made me feel loved by my boy.  It also makes me miss him so much.  How I wish I could turn the hands of the clock back to the time when he slept with me when he was sick, how there was no place that could make him feel better than being in my bed with my arms around him.

Things to do for a grieving mom

I saw a blog the other day on what to do for a new mom that inspired me to write a blog on what to do for a grieving Mom. I have talked with a few other mom who have lost a child and some of the feelings and thought are the same as mine.  I am not an expert but I know what helps me get through those tough moments.


 
1. You don't have to know what to say a simple "I am sorry" will work.
2.  Listen to her.  Let her tell the same story or her experience over and over again.  She doesn't get to make new memories and she is processing everything by telling you her experience.
3. Cry with her
4. Don't wait for to ask or call you for help or support. Drop by her house with a treat or lunch for her  and offer her support
5. Come over to help her do her everyday chores (laundry, dishes, vacuuming,)
6. Text, call or leave her messages to let her know you are thinking about her.  She feels alone and overwhelmed.
7. Bring her meals in disposable dishes so she doesn't have to worry about getting them back to you.  If you bring paper plates and disposable silver she won't have to worry about the dishes for one night.
8. Offer to go do errands with her.  Gets her out of the house and gives her support if she gets overwhelmed and looses it.
9. Give her a reason to get out of bed.
10. Help her remember the little things.
11. Continue to shower her love long after her loss.
12.  Try to remember on her hard days (holidays, anniversary dates, birthdays hers and her child's,  Mother's day etc.
13 Give her a gift card for take out for the days she just too overwhelmed to think of dinner.
14. Tell her she is a wonderful mom.
15. Give her a memory box for her small tokens, flowers from the funeral, cards, programs.
16 Give her a present that she can keep and that will remind her of her child (an ornament, nick    knack, a picture.
17 If she has older kids offer her a day that you take them and pick them up from their activities.
18. Give her a bouquet of flowers for no reason
19. Share your memories of her child with her.
20. Tell her she has not gone crazy when she can't remember anything.
21. Make her a play list of  encouraging songs or Mom songs
22. Tell her its OK for to have a good time with her child
23 Don't tell her child is with a loved one in Heaven.  She wants her child with her.
24. Don't take anything personal when she is grieving
25 Don't tell her how strong she is or God wouldn't give this trial.  She doesn't feel strong and she doesn't need any other reason to blame herself for her child dying.
26. Laugh with her even if it seems an inappropriate time for laughing
27 Don't judge her when she laughs or cries at inappropriate times.
28. Be willing to leave when she suddenly looses it while you are out with her
29. Understand the emotional wave can hit at anytime
30. Send her a random card
31. Help her write the thank you notes from the funeral.
32. Don't expect her to "get back to normal"
33.  Remind her she is not alone.
34.  Don't become uncomfortable when when talks about her child
35.  Give her scriptures and encouraging quotes, and poems