4 years

It's the 4 year anniversary of your death. Finally I can say I am okay and doing okay with my new normal. It's not to say it doesn't suck or that there are still some days it's hard to get out of bed. I can smile without feeling bad I can laugh without feeling guilty.  I can be around recovering addicts without thinking why didn't Bryan get that chance.   Life goes on.  I have given myself permission to be happy.

It's not been easy  it's bee a roller coaster ride.  There has been many times I wanted off and thought about ways to get off the roller coaster.  No One should ever have to go through that much pain and heartache. I know there is beauty in the ashes.  And good that comes from everything. I want to see the good eventually. I haven't found it but it's there somewhere.

There is so many things I wish I could talk to you about. All of the things that happen in life.  Krystal's new boyfriend, no I don't like him yet.  And yes he feels the same about me.  Lori's new house. Krys's new job, Heather being a senior.  Kyle going to college.  Me possibly looking for a job. Stuart's struggles with showing Krys how much he cares.  My struggles with Grandma and Grandpa.  Meg's struggles having her Mom date again. I always loved to talking with you. You always made me smile and laugh. 

Bub, I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.  You will always be my ray of sunshine.  What I wouldn't give to hear "watsup" or "Mommy' I love you."  I will always wonder what you would be doing or where you would be? Would you be clean? Raising a family?  I will never have those answers so for now you will be in my heart and I will be be content with life moving on. 

http://youtu.be/JIVaUcE4kAM

The wave of sadness

I never had a true panic attack, this is the closest I have ever come.  It's really not a panic attack, it's the wave of grief, sadness and despair. From what I have heard from patients and people I know that have panic attacks it feels similar. I had this feeling the moment I lost Bry   I have had several since then. Some last just a few minutes but the can last for days.  I don't get them as often as I did at the beginning.

I feel it coming.  The feeling is so strong I can see it. It's the the black a big black wave.  I want to avoid it hitting me ,maybe I can keep busy enough or run in the other direction, my feet won't move. It feels like something is holding on to my ankle and I can't run away.maybe distract myself with the people all around me.so many people but no one sees the desperation.  No one hears my silent screams.  Can't they see it coming. Can't they feel it. They are all acting so normal.  Maybe they see but they don't want to acknowledge either. Maybe they trying to act like it's not there like I am.  No, I don't think so. I think they know what's happening.   They see it they just think I can do it by myself. I always make it. They are not worried what if this time I can't.  What if this Time I don't make it out? What happens if it really does suck me to the pits of Hell and I don't come back.  Oh God please help me. There is so many people but no one is helping me. They are leaving me to deal with it alone.

There is no hiding it's coming.  It's coming so fast. I see it coming in slow motion. It's forming a circle around me. I know when it hits, it's going to hurt.  Every part of my body will feel it.  It's getting so dark. It's so thick.  It keeps getting closer. I can't get away. My feet are heavy and won't move.It's engulfing me.  Coming in every direction.  Please someone help me.  Make it go away.  At the very least someone make it stop before if swallows me.  Please help me!  Please God please.   No one is helping me.  It's coming from all directions. My heart is beating so fast, pounding so fast. I am screaming no one hears.  My chest is so heavy.  I am fighting it trying to hit it, push it, punch it.  My feet won't move. I can't fight it it's too big and it's everywhere it's in back and in front of me it's on both sides.  It's coming from above me and below me. I am still screaming but now there's no sound coming out.  I am crying. I am so scared.  I can't breath.  Please God let me die.  This hurts too much.  I can't take it.  Help me please!  Anyone please, please help me!  It's pitch black.  There's a dense fog all around me.  It's so dense I feel it. So thick I couldn't cut it if I have a knife.  I am crouched down in the fetal position.. Just beyond the fog is a wall, it feels like steel.  I can't get out.  I am crying and screaming for help, no one hears.  Every bone in my body feels broken.  My chest feels like it's going explode with pain.   I want it to stop.  Please please help me.  Someone get me out.  Please God.  I can make it stop.  There is only one way out.  The pain will go away I will be able to move again.  No! Stop! You can't think that way

The moment I think I will suffocate and my chest will explode.  The moment I think there is only one way out I start to think of a plan.   It starts to subside.  The fog gets less dense I can wiggle my feet, my heart is pounding less hard.  I can start to exhale.  The walls are starting to lift. A little less pressure in my chest. I can inhale but not a complete breath yet.  As everything lifts slowly.  All of my body functions return to normal. The pain subsides and all that's left is the ache in my chest.  This is a constant reminder of you, how I will never be whole again, how much I miss you, how I long to talk to you, and hear you laugh.

That time of year is here again

As I have said before, Halloween starts one of the time of year I miss Bryan even more than normal.  Halloween starts my Holiday season. Bryan loved dressing up, trick or treating and all the free candy. I think he found a way to go trick or treating every year, even if it was to go with a little kid so he could get candy.

This year is so much different, I spent yesterday with my favorite one year old grand daughter, Ily.  I could have sworn Bryan was sitting at the table telling Ily to act goofy.  As she sat there doing raspberries with water in her mouth and telling me no no no.  I wanted to catch her spitting water on video and don't you know every time the camera came out she would stop.  I kept thinking how Bryan would have laughed at her. No I did not tell her to stop. She also made me laugh when she threw a fit when she didn't get her way. It was so much fun spending the day with her and laughing at her even smiling when I thought of how much Bry would love his niece. David, I think Krystal is right, Bryan's curse was passed to you.  She is so much like Krystal and Bryan.  

This year I am also leaving on a cruise with my sister.  I am so excited.  He would want me to have such a great time. Of course I think he would have tried to convince Lori to take him.  So instead of remembering him with tears, this year I am able to smile and laugh when I remember him.  I miss him so much. 

3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.  

2 1/2 years later

2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell.  It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had.  A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or  say I wouldn't have it any other way.  If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.

My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles.  Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life.  Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death.  Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward.  That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.

I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty.   I can feel other  emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving.  I care again.  There is and probably always be times I want to "just die."  But it's not every minute hour day or week.  I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday.  It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.

After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine.  I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life.  Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.

Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth.   I love you Bryan.  You are free.

Better day

Yesterday was a very bad day and the blog definitely showed it. Today is a better day. Much!  I saw this video on Pinterest today. It reminded me very blessed I am that I am Bryan's mom.  Yesterday I was feeling like a failure as a mom. All of the horrible thoughts of if only, I should have, ect were in mind.  I have thought about every bad mom moment I have had and blamed myself for Bryan's addictions and consequent his death, for the past 2 plus years. I had a lot of them. Sometimes I think more bad than good.  Somewhere down the line there must have had some pretty good moments. My 25 year old drug using gang member son called me mommy until the day he died. He told his friends I was his hero. Me, his mom!  He made his friends stop cursing in front of me and on his Facebook.  He made his friend meet me when I was in town.  He was proud of me.  There is a song that made him think of me when he heard it. It was played at his funeral. Its exactly what he thought of me. The song is Running My Mom Crazy.

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I am not saying any of that to brag.  There are lots of moms that read this blog and think you are a bad mom or your bad mom moments out weigh the good moment, if you have someone ask your kids what they think about you, I bet we all. Would get similar answers to the video.  Moms keep doing what your doing. You are someone's hero!

I have to start my thankful list today.  I am thankful God gave me the privilege to be Bryan, Krystal, Kyle , and Heather's mom.  What a blessing I have in each one of them. Each have taught me far more than I have taught them..  They are my heart and soul.  My world would not be complete if I hadn't had them. Thank you, God for entrusting each of these precious souls to me.  Help me to overcome my iniquities.

Back on the roller coaster

I thought I would make this year. I tried to keep myself busy. I had scheduled myself to work today and tomorrow so I wouldn't think about him and I could avoid the head on collision of the emotional train.  I think I might have missed it if I didn't hurt my knee and had to take today and tomorrow off.  

The emotional train hit when I wasn't looking. There is so much I want back.  I want to be normal, I want this hole in my soul to go away, not get bigger.  I really never knew how much your kids are apart of you. I knew they were my world but until I lost bray I didn't really knew exactly what that meant. People say time heals all wounds.  It doesn't. It just changes the wound and creates scat tissue that hurts more when it's ripped open. 

I know it's been two years and I shouldn't feel this bad and I should accept he's gone. I can't. I try to paste on a smile and go on with my life. It doesn't work.  I have heard all of the cliches. I know people are tried of hearing about Bryan or they don't want to bring his name up for whatever reason. I want/need to talk about him and hear stories of him. He is apart of me and by talking about keeps that part of me alive. 

Yes this is an extremely bad day and I am venting.  I know this too shall pass but right now I feel  like the line in Steel Magnoilias when Sally Feild say something to the effect of I just want to hit someone until they are in as much pain as I am.  I miss my baby boy. I miss his laugh and him making a bad day good with a stupid joke.  I miss him making me laugh when I am so mad I could strangle him.  I miss his phone calls. 

I started on the roller coaster I wanted to avoid. The train hit.  The roller coaster won't stop until after February.  Then I will be on a different roller coaster.  When you read this or you think of me do something kind for someone, make someone's day, be the blessing that someone needs.   That's exactly what I am going to do as soon as I pull myself together enough that I can leave the house.  

" I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13