3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.  

2 1/2 years later

2 1/2 years later, I am starting to feel normal again. It isn't what was normal was before you died. It's a new normal. I have climbed out of the pit of hell and am tetering on the edge of Hell.  It has been a long journey, one that I have fought with every bit of energy, and emotion I had.  A journey I would never want to go on again and one I will never be able to look back and say I would do it all over again or  say I wouldn't have it any other way.  If given a choice the choice would be obvious. The journey is what it is.

My normal now is acceptance of my new place in life, in my new roles.  Acceptance that I will always need to explain when I answer the simple questions of life.  Acceptane that I am not responsible for your drug use or for your death.  Acceptance that as much as I want my life to remain where I was I need to move forward.  That doesn't mean I forget, in fact I think of you as much today if not more than I did before you died.

I have come along way on this journey in the last six months. I can laugh and smile again without feeling guilty.   I can feel other  emotions besides sadness, being angry and grieving.  I care again.  There is and probably always be times I want to "just die."  But it's not every minute hour day or week.  I can celebrate Holidays without breaking down all day or the days or weeks before the holiday.  It still feels different that your not here or that I don't hear from you.

After Christmas when I took the decorations down I took down your shrine.  I don't want to remember you in a box. I want to remember you full of life.  Smiling and being the smart ass that we all loved. I will always miss you and think of you. I will alway thin I wonder ...... Acceptance of there are no answers to that or to many of the other questions I have.

Acceptance that you live in my heart and not on this earth.   I love you Bryan.  You are free.

Better day

Yesterday was a very bad day and the blog definitely showed it. Today is a better day. Much!  I saw this video on Pinterest today. It reminded me very blessed I am that I am Bryan's mom.  Yesterday I was feeling like a failure as a mom. All of the horrible thoughts of if only, I should have, ect were in mind.  I have thought about every bad mom moment I have had and blamed myself for Bryan's addictions and consequent his death, for the past 2 plus years. I had a lot of them. Sometimes I think more bad than good.  Somewhere down the line there must have had some pretty good moments. My 25 year old drug using gang member son called me mommy until the day he died. He told his friends I was his hero. Me, his mom!  He made his friends stop cursing in front of me and on his Facebook.  He made his friend meet me when I was in town.  He was proud of me.  There is a song that made him think of me when he heard it. It was played at his funeral. Its exactly what he thought of me. The song is Running My Mom Crazy.

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I am not saying any of that to brag.  There are lots of moms that read this blog and think you are a bad mom or your bad mom moments out weigh the good moment, if you have someone ask your kids what they think about you, I bet we all. Would get similar answers to the video.  Moms keep doing what your doing. You are someone's hero!

I have to start my thankful list today.  I am thankful God gave me the privilege to be Bryan, Krystal, Kyle , and Heather's mom.  What a blessing I have in each one of them. Each have taught me far more than I have taught them..  They are my heart and soul.  My world would not be complete if I hadn't had them. Thank you, God for entrusting each of these precious souls to me.  Help me to overcome my iniquities.

Back on the roller coaster

I thought I would make this year. I tried to keep myself busy. I had scheduled myself to work today and tomorrow so I wouldn't think about him and I could avoid the head on collision of the emotional train.  I think I might have missed it if I didn't hurt my knee and had to take today and tomorrow off.  

The emotional train hit when I wasn't looking. There is so much I want back.  I want to be normal, I want this hole in my soul to go away, not get bigger.  I really never knew how much your kids are apart of you. I knew they were my world but until I lost bray I didn't really knew exactly what that meant. People say time heals all wounds.  It doesn't. It just changes the wound and creates scat tissue that hurts more when it's ripped open. 

I know it's been two years and I shouldn't feel this bad and I should accept he's gone. I can't. I try to paste on a smile and go on with my life. It doesn't work.  I have heard all of the cliches. I know people are tried of hearing about Bryan or they don't want to bring his name up for whatever reason. I want/need to talk about him and hear stories of him. He is apart of me and by talking about keeps that part of me alive. 

Yes this is an extremely bad day and I am venting.  I know this too shall pass but right now I feel  like the line in Steel Magnoilias when Sally Feild say something to the effect of I just want to hit someone until they are in as much pain as I am.  I miss my baby boy. I miss his laugh and him making a bad day good with a stupid joke.  I miss him making me laugh when I am so mad I could strangle him.  I miss his phone calls. 

I started on the roller coaster I wanted to avoid. The train hit.  The roller coaster won't stop until after February.  Then I will be on a different roller coaster.  When you read this or you think of me do something kind for someone, make someone's day, be the blessing that someone needs.   That's exactly what I am going to do as soon as I pull myself together enough that I can leave the house.  

" I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13 

One day can change your life

Two years ago today I got the phone call that every parent fears. The phone call, forever changed my life and ripped my heart out of my chest, shredded it and left a huge hole that can not be mended or filled.  That phone call, or series of phone calls started me on a journey, a journey I didn't expect nor want to go on.  One I don't ever want to repeat or wish upon anyone ever.

Let me start at the beginning of the journey.  Some of you may have read this before, you can skip to to where the journey is taking me now.  My journey start Friday, July 15, 2011 at 1:15Vegas time. I had gone to Vegas with Stuart, Kyle and Heather for a dance competition.  We had brought Sam, a friend of Heather's, that was also in the competition. We had been there for a few day was at the last award ceremony then we were to start the road trip home.  First phone call was from my mom, which I didn't answer thinking she was calling to check how Heather was doing in the competition. Next two phone call are with in a minute of the first one from my mom again one from my sister.  Now I know something is wrong, I leave the award ceremony to check my messages. First from mom " CALL ME!" As I am starting to listen to the next message my brother in law calls me. I answer it "hello. what's going on?"

Randy: "you need to call your mom it looks like Bryan has od'd.  Me "what?!?" Randy: "Trish, call your mom now Bryan overdosed."  My head starts spinning nothing is really making sense. The dots aren't connecting. 

I hang up dial Mom's number. Me: hello

Police officer:  this is officer x from the Layton city police.

Me.: I need to talk to my mom.  (Dots still not connecting)

Officer: Is this Trish? Bryan's mom.

Me yes I need to talk to my mom. How do you know?

Officer your mom is too upset to talk.  Mrs Booth Bryan has apparently overdosed he is unconscious and not breathing (i didnt hear that part)Paramedics are working on him now and have been working on him for awhile.

Me did they give him narcan?

Officer they are doing everything (dots not connecting). 

Me I will be there as soon as I can I am in Vegas.  

I go into the award ceremony tell Stuart we have to go NOW! As we are getting the kids I am trying to tell Stuart what's happening.  We get to the hallway and he starts asking me questions I don't have answers for.  Dots are starting to connect but not completely I have him call moms phone. He speaks to the officer for a few minutes. Stuart asks me how I want to get to Utah fly or should we start driving. I chose fly. He drives me to the Vegas airport and drops me off.  I go in stand in line in the shortest line I see. They can't get me there and won't tell me what airline can get me there but say southwest flies to salt lake.  I go to southwest s line the longest line there is.  They put me on standby for flight leaving in 20 minutes. They tell me to hurry they will try to hold the plane for me.  I make through security and yes of course I was the chosen one that got frisked. As I get to the gate the gate agent calls my name. I am on the flight.

Next call to moms cell phone.  3:15

Me: hello

Moms bishop hello

Me: can I talk to my mom

Bishop: she's pretty upset I am taking calls for her

Me: this is Trish Bryan's mom. Can you tell my mom I am on my way my flight is leaving in a few minutes. When I get there I assume you are at Davis North.

Bishop: ok I will tell her and yes we are.

Me. I assume I am going to go to ICU when I get to the hospital to see Bryan

Bishop: I don't know how to tell you this...

Me: ok so don't  

I then hang up but all the dots connected.  Reality just struck my son is dead.

So began the journey of a grieving parent. It's the hardest journey anyone could  go on. In the beginning I felt like I not only lost my son but my mind.  I would get lost going to the store or back home from the store, forget what I was doing. It wasn't the normal forgetfulness when I lost my train of thought, it didn't come back.  Getting out of bed took every once of energy I had.  I wanted to die and thought about death a lot. I put walls up to prevent me from getting hurt again. I wanted people around me but wanted to be left alone.  I pushed people away, I wouldn't call people back I was just plain nasty to family and friends close to me.  I blamed myself. 

After the first year I could see what I was doing and knew I had to pull myself together.  I had no idea how.  I could see I was hurting people, truthfully I didn't care, but I wanted to care. I wanted to go back to the nice caring person I was before but I had built way to many walls to even know where to start.  I was a mess

This last year has been trying to find a happy medium between who I was before Bryan died and who I am becoming after loosing him.  I have had a lot of repairing of relationships and just letting go of some relationships.  I have a lot of forgiving to do, mostly forgiving myself of not being the mom I thought I should be or wanted to be. I also had to forgive Bryan which meant I had to accept and understand the fact that Bryan had made a lot decisions that had lead to him dying. 

Accepting and forgiving Bryan was hard. I didn't ever know I had to until my brother I aw died in May.  I got really mad at Randy for not taking care of himself and leaving Lori and Megan. I couldn't understand why I was so mad at him.  After a lot of prayer God showed me it was mad at Bryan for leaving me.  I wish I could say I understand, accept and forgive Bryan but I am still in the middle of it.  I might be in the middle for along time.

My journey as a grieving parent will never be through.  It will always be an uphill trail.  As I continue forward there are times now the ground levels out or even goes downhill for a few minutes.  I don't catch myself every time I laugh or smile. It's starting to become natural again. My world is not completely dark anymore. 

Writing this blog helps me to process my feelings but I pray that it will help another grieving parent.  Maybe to help the know they are not alone or maybe to realize they haven't gone crazy and maybe to know they can keep moving forward in their journey.  

I miss Bryan more every day.  I always wonder if he would have gotten clean, gone to college or got married and had kids.  How I could have prevented his death. I still don't know how to answer everyday questions. How many kids do you have? How old are they? What do they do? Where are they?  I don't think answering those questions well ever be natural or feel right.

Father's Day

This Fathers Day was harder than Mother's Day.  I am not exactly sure why.   I am thinking its because Bryan  and I had our traditions. I raised him as a single mom and did my best to fill the void he had of not having a dad. I taught him football, baseball and many other sports.  I took him fishing,baited hooks with worms ( not my favorite thing to do), I wanted him to be all boy. I probably went overboard and over compensated.  Bryan recognized my efforts, and from the time he was about 13 he always made a point of  wishing me a happy Fathers Day. I always talked to him sometime during the day.  I even got a few cards.

We had a good day as a family celebrating the day, but for me there was a huge piece of my heart missing.  I took a lot of pictures of the kids but all of the pictures are missing someone.  I always hesitate when taking pictures if the kids together and refuse to take a family photo.  I dont understand. He didn't even live in the same state and i got very few of all of the kids together and almost none of the entire damily, so why I have such a strong reaction to taking picture of the kids or family pictures?  Sometime I really don't understand the emotions and change grief causes.  It is not logical.

My venting is over now.  I miss my Bud. I will always love you. Happy Fathers Day!

Mother's Day 2013

Today is Mother's Day.  Its a day I no longer look forward to. I am not spending it as I expected. My expectations were I would spend the entire weekend at work and not have to deal with the reality of not having my son here to celebrate with. Instead, I am spending Mother's Day in Utah with my sister, niece and the rest of my original family celebrating the life and mouning the life of my brother in law, Randy.  I celebrated Mother's Day with my family before i left for Utah with breakfast in bed. they gave me a wonderful college of pictures of my kids growing up. We went for a bike ride. Later that night, Heather and I went to Flashdance the musical.  The day was very low key.  it was exactly the way I wanted to celebrate Mothers day, except I didn't get to see my oldest beautiful daughter.

Tuesday I left for Utah.

Randy's viewing was Thursday evening and Friday morning. I really didn't know if I could go and the give support Megan and Lori needed.  There are just to emotional scabs on my heart that have not healed. I didn't want have the tables turned and them have to hold me up because of my hurting heart.  I prayed that I would be able to get through it but not just get through it but be a source of strength for Lori and Megan.  God listened to my prayers and I didn't break down once. I was able to see and intervene to avoid possible problems for them.  I am so grateful for that.  

I have so much admiration for those two wonderful ladies. Lori handled everything with grace and dignity.  She is radiant and her love of God shines through her.  She is such a role model for me. I don't think I have ever been able to handle as well as she does.  Meg is such a beautiful and loving young lady.  She too, handled things very well.  For everything going on she dug deep, relied on her Savior to give her strength to pull her through. 

Saturday I was able to go to lunch with two of Bryan's friends.  Dave, one of best friends, Christina, a friend that Bryan always talked about and Dave's girlfriend. I was able to remember bryan and laugh at the memories. I was blessed and was reminded I am glad I had 25 years with him. He was bright, funny and always finding ways to get in trouble.  It was a wonderful Mother's Day present.  

Today I am spending the day with Mom, Dad, T, Lori and Megan. I am sure the day will be spent laughing and remembering Bryan and Randy.  As much as I didn't want to celebrate Mothers Day, I have had a week of celebrating, gratitude, inspirations and great presents.  I still would love to Bryan here, I am going into Mother's Day with an attitude of gratefulness instead of anxiousness.