Halloween

This is the time of year I have a love/hate relationship with. I used to love this time of year. It was the start of the Holiday season for me. My kids loved Halloween. Bryan especially. He loved anything that food or candy was involved. He loved to dress up and loved to get candy. I think he went trick or treating right up to the end. I think he said he was chaperoning a small child. He used to say he was going to steal some little kids bag just to get their candy. Instead of stealing candy he always found some little goblin that was crying or fell and dropped his candy. He would help the little kid pick up his candy or tell him to stop crying, then he would share his candy. He couldn't stand a little one crying. It always brought tears to my eye (and still does) at how big of heart Bryan had. He always wanted everyone to believe he was tough, he was one giant teddy bear.

Bryan liked to dress up but he loved the time with me and Krystal discussing our plans of the costumes, making or buying them and putting the final touches on them. My favorite was when he decided he was going to be a cheerleader and then chickened out and was a bloody dead cheerleader because it was more manly. This year I think he will try to be a devil. I can hear him arguing with St. Peter. He always loved a good debate!

 This year is the second year of the hate part of the relationship with this time of year. I guess for obvious reasons. He is not here. But I hate the flood of emotions I have with every memory. So happy yet so sad. The double edge sword pierces and then chops up my heart. I have already started the insomnia and the dreams. My guess is they will stick around until after the first of the. The roller coaster of emotions will get higher and lower.

November 1 I will start writing on my other blog what I am thankful for. However today I will start the list on here. I am so thankful that I got to be Bryan's mom. What an awesome privilege it was and is. There were a lot of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, failure and accomplishment but I wouldn't change anything about those special 25 years except that when and how he left this earth. I am so blessed to have had him. He could always make me smile and at the same time I would be madder than heck at him.

 I want to ask everyone that if you knew Bryan or know me and how much I want Bryan to be remembered positively, and not just as the kid that was fun to party with and od'd, please do at least one random act of kindness during this Holiday season in the his memory. I am guessing this would be pretty much all of you if your reading this. I would love to hear what kind of acts were done to keep Bryan's memory alive. Leave a comment, post it on Facebook, text me. If you don't want to tell me the act could you please let me know you did one?

Silly reminder

Someone has a warped sense of humor. I admit it made me smile

Today when I pulled a pair of jeans off the closet a pair of Bryan's boxers fell on my head. I know they were Bryan's because no one else in the family wears boxers. Bryan has been gone 15 months now. I have been pulling jeans and pants off my shelf almost everyday sense then  I have even stood on my bed to look up there. Never have I seen a pair of his boxers up there.  Your guess is as good as mine as to how they got up there. I can say I smiled and chucked to myself.  It's the kind of thing that would make our family smile and shake our heads. Bry, I love you so much. It was nice to have a silly reminder of you even you did wear them on your skanky  butt!

Missing you

I miss you, Bryan.  I miss your laugh, your silly joke, the I am in trouble phone call,the girlfriend sagas but mostly I just miss you. It's been 438 day since you went away, not that I am counting or anything. Everyday seems like a thousand. I don't cry as much anymore, my mind is mostly back and I don't think I am certifiably crazy anymore, although your brother and sisters might not agree.  I smile a little more although the smiles don't quite make it to my eyes.  I don't feel as guilty laughing and enjoying stuff that you would enjoy..  I know you would want me to enjoy life, and I am trying but there is such a major void a part of me that's not there anymore.

There are so many things that remind me of you, recessess peanut better cups, pumpkin pie, funny boxers, McDonalds, your blanket.  There is so many things I have the thought I am going to ca...but then I remember I can't call you.  You're favorite time of year is upon us again. Halloween through Christmas.  The way to YOUR heart truly was through food.  I could make smile just by telling you I made a pie, or buying you a candy bar. I miss fighting over pumpkin pie.  

There are so many things I want your opinion on.  You are so interwoven in my life even though you're not here.  So many things make me think of you.  Thanks for being my son and teaching me so many lessons of life.

I really didn't mean for this to be sad and depressing.  I just wanted to talk with you to feel you by my side again.  Yep you guessed it I want to hear "mommy I love you!"

Until we meet again.

I love you Bub. Don't do anything that will get you in to too much trouble.  Hope your having a good time!

Phone calls

Have you ever recieved one of those phone calls.  You know, the kind that change your life by just answering the phone or listening to a message. The kind that you remember every detail, date, time and exactly where you were and what you were doing when you recieve the call.  I have recieved many of those phone calls, some of the calls added happiness and joy to my life but most of them did not. The kind of phone call I got  are the kind  in all of our worst nightmares.  The ones that you pray you will never receieve or wonder how you would react if you got one..

 I recived the first of  many life changing phone calls on Feburary 24, 1989.  I was living my dream life.  I had a 2 year old little boy and pregnant with my girl.  I had the perfect life, I was a stay at home mom/wife. All of that changed with one word "Hello."  The next words would begin a whirlwind of change in my life.   "Mrs. Burt, This is  the First Sergent  Ken is at the dispensary.  You probably need to get there as soon as you can."  The call was the first in a series of events that led me to find out my husband had brain cancer and was expected to live 9 months to a year.

The next phone call was about a year later, Febuary 4,1990.  This time I was at church.  I was pulled out of service telling me I had a phone call.  This time I knew it was something bad.  Again the news followed "Hello."  "Tricia, This is Linda, Ken's nurse.  Its time.  You need to come up to the nursing home as soon as you can.  Ken is not doing well. He doesn't have long.  Drive careful."

God gave me some good phone calls to remember as well as the bad ones.  One of the happy phone calls came March 18, 1994.  I don't remember as many of the details as I do with the other phone call that came.  This phone call was to let me know my sister was in labor and I was going to be an Aunt.  It definantly ranks as one of the happiest moments in my life. The only moments that top it was becoming a mom and gettting married. I  now know how expectant dads feel when they get the"its time" phone call.

 Another happy call came in May of 2002.  The details are sketchy again but its a call that changed my life.  This call I almost didn't take.  I am so glad that I did.  This call from my future husband, the man that would help me cope and deal with the phone calls that were going to come.  It went something like this.
 "Hello is your Mom home." 
Bryan said "mom that guy is on the phone again, are you home?" 
"Hello" me
"Hi, Trish. This is Stuart" some small talk and then "when would you like to go out with me?"
What a great phone call.

The next few phone calls led to me making the decision for Bryan to go live with my parents and try to get him out of trouble.  The first was from Krys when I was at work.  I don't know the date but know it was early October 2002.  "Mom, Bryan is acting weird.  He is hitting me.  He is drunk or something."  The next one was after Bryan broke the agreement to stay clean and keep his friends out of my house when I was at work.  "I gotta follow through with what I said I would do.  I have to send him to my Mom's.  I don't know if its the right thing.  I gotta do something before I loose him completely."  Bryan got an airplane at 530 pm that day to go to Utah.  I thought it would be for few months, it turned out he never came back to AZ to live.

After Bryan turned 18 I recieved many calls that as a parent you don't want to get.  I don't think he missed any.  Maybe he wanted to give me the full experience of being a parent.  I don't know the dates of many of them.  I got "Mom I am in jail."  I got quite a few of those calls.  "Mom I am turning myself in I don't have money to pay my fines."  I got the "Bryan has been in an accident.  He is fine.  He has got some scraps and bruises.  He is lucky to be alive and that he doesn't have more injuries."  That phone call led to the phone call from him when he was in the ER.  "Mom they want to give me a tetnus shot."  Me "I know so get the shot."  Bry "Mom she's (the nurse) got a big needle.  I don't think I can." Me "Stop being a wimp just get the shot."  After a few back and forth comments I told him he had no choice and I told the nurse to just give it to him. 

Then came the call "Bryan was in fight.  He was jumped.  There was 5 or 6 of them on him.  They broke his jaw.  He has to have surgery to fix it."  All of these calls were leading up to the ultimate nightmare.

July 15, 2011 Las Vegas, Nevada.  Heather's dance compition awards presentation.  I recieved 3 calls with in 2 minutes of each other.  2 from my mom's phone , one from my sister's phone.  All the messages were Bryan has overdosed.  He is not breathing.  The next phone call I made to my mom's phone.  A police officer answered.  "your son overdosed.  The paramedics are here working on him.  they have been working on him for awhile...  I let your mom know you are getting a flight as soon as possible."  The next phone call I made was while I was in line to get on my plane to go to my son.  It took place shortly after 3:06.  The call was to let my mom know I got a flight and I would be there in a couple of hours.  My mom's bishop answered the phone.  me "hello. can you tell my mom I am on my way.?  I assume you are at the hospital....Davis North?  ....  I come to the ICU right?"  Bishop "Trish, I don't know how to tell you this?"  Me "so don't"  I then I hung up and called my husband "Bryan died."  I don't know which one was worse finding out or actually saying my son died.




It has been just over a year since I made the last phone calls that changed my life. My life will never be the same.  I won't lie and tell you I understand or accempt that this is all for the good.  I do know with each of the phone calls I recieved there was am unheard unseen participant.  Looking back I can see the hand of God and his presense was with me.  Everytime I got a phone call with bad news there was someone many times a total stranger that held me and prayed with me.  God comforted me but it was never as I would have imagined it.God has used so many of you to get me through the year after those phone calls.

I want to thank all of the total strangers, my friends and family for helping to this place.  It's been a rough journey.  My nonstop stories of Bryan, the unstoppable tears, the mood swings and the times I tried to wall myself from anyone and everyone.  The bad news is there will be more of all of that stuff but the good news it won't be as frequent. I am slowly learning how to cope. I will always miss Bryan. My home will never be complete, my heart will always have huge hole.  I don't think I will ever stop anticipating a phone call or text  on special occasions, when Bryan would or should be worried about family member.  I will always have tears on the verge of falling. My smile will never be as bright but I will smile and laugh.

On this journey over the last year I have learned so much. I am more compassionate.  I sympathize so much with addicts and their families. I have learned to cherish the little moments in each day with each person.   Life can change in a blink of an eye and not just because you may not have them

1 year

Bryan,

Its been a year since you died.  What a year it has been.  This has been the toughest year of my life.  They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  I don't know if I agree with that or not.  I don't feel very strong, if anything I feel weak and vulnerable.  There is so much to say. so many feelings I want to let you know about I just don't know if I am going to be able to write them all down and express them they way I want to.



This year I was the lowest I have ever been.  During the year I was probably certifiably crazy.  If I could have I think I would have chosen to die so many times.  I prayed God would just take me because the hole you left is just too big.  The ache is overwhelming.  The valleys are so high and the peaks weren't much higher. But thanks to friends and family that woulds let me give up and kept praying for me I made through the year.  Honestly there is not a moment that I don't think about you.  You have consumed my brain. 


I have felt more alone most of the time.  There are a lot of people around me.  There are a lot of them that say I can call when I get to that point.  I haven't called many.  I don't want to bother them.  Everyone has their problems and my problems don't need to be theirs.  Although I appreciate all of those people and love them, and wouldn't have made it through the year without their prayers and their phone calls at just the right moment.

At the beginning I thought you dying would make a path to a better relationship with my family but it hasn't.  It has probably made it worse.  We don't argue or fight anymore,  In fact we really don't even really talk much.  I talked to Grandma last night only because Grandpa went into the hospital.The last time I talked to Lori was when I went up Meg's graduation and even then we didn't really talk.  We were cordial but it didn't go much beyond that.  I know a lot of the reason is I pushed them away because of the guilt I feel.  I was blamed for you starting drugs, if it was my fault you started drugs then its my fault you died.  They also all think I gave up on you.  I took my problem and ran away.  Maybe I did in some aspects but that is not what I wanted to do.

I miss you so much!!  I miss you smart  remarks, you picking on your sister, your smile, your puppy dog eyes.  I miss you making me laugh when I was so mad at you I could shake you.  I miss your primping, and the phone calls when you say "mommmmmy,  I looooove you."  Only for me to ask what you what you want and you telling me "nothing just buttering you up for the next time I need you."  I miss your play by play in movies, and you calling me with the stats on football and basketball.  I miss your debating and your optimism.  I miss you ratting your sister out and your over bearing over protection of her.  I miss hearing the adventures of you and Dave.  I miss being the mediator between you and your girlfriend,  I miss you telling me you have yet another girlfriend I miss the sound of your voice and your smell.  I miss the phone calls telling me you were in trouble with Grandma and Grandpa.  The list goes on!!  I miss you getting so mad when I said Krys was my favorite and you lighting up like a Christmas tree when I said you were my favorite.

You missed a lot this year.  You missed Grandma Burt getting married, Steffanie and Megan graduating, Josh going into the service, Heather getting on her high school dance team, Kyle's first car.  Grandpa starting to teach college, all of my job changes,all of Krystal misadventures and there is so much more.

As I write this there are tears streaming down my face.  I know nothing unusual.  I have to say you made an impact on me and on so many others.  Some of your friends have cleaned up, and are off of drugs and making a better life for themselves.  You would be so proud of them and would have been encouraging them along their journey.  Your friends often are writing me or calling me to tell me they are thinking of you and to tell me of one of your adventures.  You made an impact on their lives as well.

Your life may not have been very long but you will always be remembered.  My little sunshine is still shining.

I love you the "mostest mostest mostest"


Love,
Mom

Bryan's Birthday

Saturday was Bryan's birthday.  I lived through it with some help from some very special people.  I have to admit I was pretty depressed and in a very foul mood for a week or two before his birthday.

After Bryan died there wasn't a day I didn't pray to God to take me too.  The whole in my heart was so enormous, I wanted the pain to stop and that was the only thing I knew that would take the pain away.  The last few months I haven't said that prayer very often.Yes there are still days when I do.  The weeks before his birthday I was saying that prayer on at least a daily basis.  Have you ever got so low you couldn't pray because the words just wont come?  I was in that spot.

Thank God for his timing!  I have to say I made it through his birthday because of my big sister that wouldn't let me give up and prayed for me constantly.  Thank you!!  The day was also made easier by all the people that remembered Bryan that day and sent me a text or posted something on his facebook or thought of me and posted something on mine.

However the turning point for me was when I recieved an instant message from one of Bryan's friends telling me she had gotten off of drugs, had been clean for a year and telling me her life has changed for the better.  I will cherish that forever.

I then got a comment on one of the previous posts that from another friend of Bryan's that she too has been drug free for almost a year and is changing her life as well.  I can't even tell you how wonderful that make me feel.  Bryan is having a positve influence on people. Something good is coming from my son's death.  Bryan's death was not in vain.  Better yet I know how happy he would be that he helped someone get clean.

About six months before he died he told me he wanted to get his life straight so he could go into teen counselling to help kids in trouble.  He said Mom I want to help these kids so they don't put their Moms through what I have put you through.  One person would make it all worth it!  Bryan got what he wanted.  He got 2 that he helped.

Thanks to the girls that took the time to email me.  You both are wonderful and a I am praying for you daily.  Keep up the hard work.

Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that also is helping soothe my soul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

I am a Grandma

I have been in Utah since Wednesday. It has been an interesting visit and that is understating the last few days. As usual since last July i have had many mixed emothions. I came for my niece's graduation. A lot of people don't understand how you can have mixed emotions on such a happy occasion. I really can't explain it except to say I am truly happy for the occasion but miss Bryan so deeply and want him to share the experience with the me. Every special holiday opens up the wound and rubs salt in it. It just hurts!
I am so proud of Megan. She has become such a sweet, loving, compassionate young woman. During the festivities Bryan's presence was felt. He would have been so proud and he would have bragged to just about everyone he knew. Having Bryan's best friend my adopted son, Dave, at them made things a lot easier. Besides all of Megan's festivities.
I had the privledge of spending time with Dave's daughter.she is such a cutie. I am so proud she calls me Grandma Trish. I must admit it is kind of weird being called Grandma. I also found out Bryan has a little boy. I think he is about 6 and looks just like him. The problem is the mother of the little boy is denying its his to me. Even though she admitted to others it's his.i would love to beable to be a part of this little guy's life. It's a answer to a prayer that there would be a little part of him running around. However, i am asking for prayers that this little boy's mom will come around and let me watch him grow up and be a part of his life. It fills a little part of my broken heart, knowing there is a little Bryan running around causing havoc!
After finding out I am a grandma and spending time with my grand daughter Maddy, I want to shout it from the rough tops that I am a Grandma times 2!! I am a truly blessed girl! I thank God for answered prayer.
I have a few more days here I plan on spending time with Megan and some old friends. I will also continue torelish feeling Bryan's presence.

Maddy having a fun day with Grandma!