I haven’t posted anything for awhile. I still miss him more than words can express. I still have my deep moments of grief. Time doesn’t heal the pain it might dull it a little. But what time does, it allows you coping mechanisms ,to help you function in every day life. Time gives you another day,or minute to improve your coping to deal wi th the next minute day, week, month or year that will come.
So it’s been almost 7 years since he left this earth (still really hard to say died). I still have really hard days and there are times I cry and hide from the world. However, probably in the last six months to a year, I don’t want to die. I never had a plan to die but I wanted to die. Many scenarios played in my head, car crash, cancer some kind of freaky accident. When people said to be safe most of the time in my head I would say “why? That won’t get me to my goal.” Unfortunately I did actually say it to my husband. I can’t imagin hearing those words from someone I love.
I have done many thing to help me cope some healthy and some not so healthy that has has cost me a lot. The latest is one of the most unhealthy. I racked up $25,000 in credit card debt. This almost cost me my marriage. I am working really hard to get paid off and have come clean to my husband family and friends. Time also deceives. It always makes you think you have more than you do.
Time. It helps and hurts. It’s given me the gift of coping enough that I don’t want to die. But now I need to use it to get out of debt and find healthier ways of coping
Thank you to all of you who support me and let me tell you the same memory 100+ times. Thanks to my family that put up with me even when my coping mechanisms fail.
