Where was God?

On this day eight years ago, I received the call that made my worst nightmare come true and no parent should have to receive. “Bryan has overdosed. The paramedics are working on him, and have been for a while. They have been working on him for a long time.”  That phone call will play forever in my head. I still can hear every word and feel every emotion.

This is a hard post to write, not just because of the emotional side but because I turned my back on God, not so much turned away from him but ignored Him. I wouldn’t or maybe couldn’t acknowledge his presence in my nightmare. I ignored the soft whispers, the nudges and the comforts He was giving me. I questioned where he was. He was with me and my family the whole time from the first call until now. It’s taken me a long time to see His work, to realize I wasn’t alone, to see for myself the promises in the Bible are for me and are not just not for the people of the Bible.

Many of you have heard or were by my side during the worst days of my life. I am going to share with you, a different perspective, a look back at where God was.

I missed the first couple of calls which was a blessing since I was in a Las Vegas convention center full of young dancers and their families. The first call I answered was from my sister. I am sure not the call she wanted to make, she was on vacation with her family in Colorado and she had to break the news to. “Bryan overdosed you need to call Mom.”  God was there. He let me hear it from the one person that I would take it seriously, the one person that has been there and stood by my side in every ugly, hard messy moment of my life.

The next call I made to Mom but she did answer a police officer did. God was there he was preparing me for what was to come. “Bryan overdosed. The paramedics are working on him and have been working on him for a long time”. He was basically telling me Bry was gone. God didn’t have my mom tell me. Can you imagine having to tell your daughter her son was dying?

God was there for the next phone call to Mom telling her I was in line to get on my flight to Salt Lake and would be there in a few hours. Again Mom didn’t answer. This time her Bishop answered. His last words to was” I don’t know how to tell you this”. I hung up. I knew but I never had to hear the words “Bryan died” or “He’s dead.”  Mom again didn’t have to tell me. As I was standing in line to get on the airplane, I lost it.God was there. He has some sweet lady standing right beside me. She asked me who I lost. I must have said or yelled something, I don’t remember. When I told her she held me and prayed with me. She gave me water and had the gate attendant take me onto the flight. The gate attendant found a seat at the front of the plane. It just so happened I sat next to a young man that was on his way to get help with his drug addiction. I was able to talk and pray with him. Think it was just a coincidence?

When Krystal got her phone call. God was there. She was with her best friend, Bryce. She wasn’t alone. He and his Mom made sure Krystal got an airline ticket and took her to the airport. Before she left for the airport she was comforted by the best neighbor.  She was able to be comforted by a father figure. Kent would say he didn’t do much but he was a huge blessing at the time.

I didn’t make it to my parents house before The Coroner had picked him up for the autopsy. I did not have a chance to say good bye. God was there. The mortician that was helping us just happened to be related to my Aunt. After much perseverance from both my mom and he me, he consented to me being able to view Bryan before he was cremated. Not the most ideal situation but had the mortician been anyone else that would not have happened.

My last God moment I am  going to tell in this post is going to see Bryan. I didn’t want to go by myself but didn’t want my family to have to experience seeing Bryan through glass and that being their last memory. I didn’t want Krystal to go because I didn’t want her last time seeing her brother after an autopsy had been performed. It’s not the best look for someone. I asked one of my oldest friends to take me. Can I just say Lauren is an angel. She is an RN and works in the ER. She had dealt with this kind of stuff a lot but it’s different when it is personal. Her son was also addicted to drugs and had a few very close calls. She was absolutely amazing. She knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. She put all of her own personal feelings and emotions on hold and was there to only support me. God gave her the exact words she needed to say and when. She listened and spoke at exactly the right times. It was so surreal.

There are so many more moment I could share. If you’re going through a hard time, know God is there. He is comforting you, protecting you, guiding you. He puts people in your path at exactly the right time. He listens an cares for you. If you believe  Jesus is your Lord and savior you have been adopted into God’s family. He is your Father!

Today, I am going to try to change the way I think of this day. Yes it is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but it is also the anniversary of knowing and experiencing God love for me and my family. This is what It means to count your trial as joy.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Time

I haven’t posted anything for awhile. I still miss him more than words can express. I still have my deep moments of grief. Time doesn’t heal the pain it might dull it a little. But what time does, it allows you coping mechanisms ,to help you function in every day life.  Time gives you another day,or minute to improve your coping to deal wi th the next minute day, week, month or year that will come.

So it’s been almost 7 years since he left this earth (still really hard to say died).    I still have really hard days and there are times I cry and hide from the world. However, probably in the last six months to a year, I don’t want to die.  I never had a plan to die but I wanted to die. Many scenarios played in my head, car crash, cancer some kind of freaky accident.  When people said to be safe most of the time in my head I would say “why? That won’t get me to my goal.”  Unfortunately I did actually say it to my husband. I can’t imagin hearing those words from someone I love.

I have done many thing to help me cope some healthy and some not so healthy that has has cost me a lot. The latest is one of the most unhealthy.  I racked up $25,000 in credit card debt. This almost cost me my marriage. I am working really hard to get paid off and have come clean to my husband family and friends. Time also deceives. It always makes you think you have more than you do.

Time. It helps and hurts.   It’s given me the gift of coping enough that I don’t want to die. But now I need to use it to get out of debt and find healthier ways of coping




Thank you to all of you who support me and let me tell you the same memory 100+ times. Thanks to my family that put up with me even when my coping mechanisms fail.

You're presence is always missed

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I felt the void of having you here all week. The memories flooded my mind. never know when those moments will come. As I was making the pumpkin cheesecake I thought how you would have thrown a fit because it broke tradition and you would want just a pumpkin pie.  I missed you stealing the food as I prepared it and listening to Christmas music. I missed hearing your laugh and your humor and sarcasm dinner. Today I went Black Friday shopping, i wondered over to the men's department to look at the funky underwear. You always protested them but loved wearing them. You made sure we knew when you had your Christmas underwear. Most of the time you mooned all of us so we got to look at them. Bryan I miss you.  What I wouldn't give to fight over the last piece of pumpkin pie, hear you argue with your sister, laugh at your own joke or feel your arms around me in a hug. I would love to snuggle on the couch with you and Krystal to watch the parade. To hear you complain that the parade was stupid. Love you, Bub.  I miss you so much.

4 years

It's the 4 year anniversary of your death. Finally I can say I am okay and doing okay with my new normal. It's not to say it doesn't suck or that there are still some days it's hard to get out of bed. I can smile without feeling bad I can laugh without feeling guilty.  I can be around recovering addicts without thinking why didn't Bryan get that chance.   Life goes on.  I have given myself permission to be happy.

It's not been easy  it's bee a roller coaster ride.  There has been many times I wanted off and thought about ways to get off the roller coaster.  No One should ever have to go through that much pain and heartache. I know there is beauty in the ashes.  And good that comes from everything. I want to see the good eventually. I haven't found it but it's there somewhere.

There is so many things I wish I could talk to you about. All of the things that happen in life.  Krystal's new boyfriend, no I don't like him yet.  And yes he feels the same about me.  Lori's new house. Krys's new job, Heather being a senior.  Kyle going to college.  Me possibly looking for a job. Stuart's struggles with showing Krys how much he cares.  My struggles with Grandma and Grandpa.  Meg's struggles having her Mom date again. I always loved to talking with you. You always made me smile and laugh. 

Bub, I will always love you and you will always be in my heart.  You will always be my ray of sunshine.  What I wouldn't give to hear "watsup" or "Mommy' I love you."  I will always wonder what you would be doing or where you would be? Would you be clean? Raising a family?  I will never have those answers so for now you will be in my heart and I will be be content with life moving on. 

http://youtu.be/JIVaUcE4kAM

The wave of sadness

I never had a true panic attack, this is the closest I have ever come.  It's really not a panic attack, it's the wave of grief, sadness and despair. From what I have heard from patients and people I know that have panic attacks it feels similar. I had this feeling the moment I lost Bry   I have had several since then. Some last just a few minutes but the can last for days.  I don't get them as often as I did at the beginning.

I feel it coming.  The feeling is so strong I can see it. It's the the black a big black wave.  I want to avoid it hitting me ,maybe I can keep busy enough or run in the other direction, my feet won't move. It feels like something is holding on to my ankle and I can't run away.maybe distract myself with the people all around me.so many people but no one sees the desperation.  No one hears my silent screams.  Can't they see it coming. Can't they feel it. They are all acting so normal.  Maybe they see but they don't want to acknowledge either. Maybe they trying to act like it's not there like I am.  No, I don't think so. I think they know what's happening.   They see it they just think I can do it by myself. I always make it. They are not worried what if this time I can't.  What if this Time I don't make it out? What happens if it really does suck me to the pits of Hell and I don't come back.  Oh God please help me. There is so many people but no one is helping me. They are leaving me to deal with it alone.

There is no hiding it's coming.  It's coming so fast. I see it coming in slow motion. It's forming a circle around me. I know when it hits, it's going to hurt.  Every part of my body will feel it.  It's getting so dark. It's so thick.  It keeps getting closer. I can't get away. My feet are heavy and won't move.It's engulfing me.  Coming in every direction.  Please someone help me.  Make it go away.  At the very least someone make it stop before if swallows me.  Please help me!  Please God please.   No one is helping me.  It's coming from all directions. My heart is beating so fast, pounding so fast. I am screaming no one hears.  My chest is so heavy.  I am fighting it trying to hit it, push it, punch it.  My feet won't move. I can't fight it it's too big and it's everywhere it's in back and in front of me it's on both sides.  It's coming from above me and below me. I am still screaming but now there's no sound coming out.  I am crying. I am so scared.  I can't breath.  Please God let me die.  This hurts too much.  I can't take it.  Help me please!  Anyone please, please help me!  It's pitch black.  There's a dense fog all around me.  It's so dense I feel it. So thick I couldn't cut it if I have a knife.  I am crouched down in the fetal position.. Just beyond the fog is a wall, it feels like steel.  I can't get out.  I am crying and screaming for help, no one hears.  Every bone in my body feels broken.  My chest feels like it's going explode with pain.   I want it to stop.  Please please help me.  Someone get me out.  Please God.  I can make it stop.  There is only one way out.  The pain will go away I will be able to move again.  No! Stop! You can't think that way

The moment I think I will suffocate and my chest will explode.  The moment I think there is only one way out I start to think of a plan.   It starts to subside.  The fog gets less dense I can wiggle my feet, my heart is pounding less hard.  I can start to exhale.  The walls are starting to lift. A little less pressure in my chest. I can inhale but not a complete breath yet.  As everything lifts slowly.  All of my body functions return to normal. The pain subsides and all that's left is the ache in my chest.  This is a constant reminder of you, how I will never be whole again, how much I miss you, how I long to talk to you, and hear you laugh.

That time of year is here again

As I have said before, Halloween starts one of the time of year I miss Bryan even more than normal.  Halloween starts my Holiday season. Bryan loved dressing up, trick or treating and all the free candy. I think he found a way to go trick or treating every year, even if it was to go with a little kid so he could get candy.

This year is so much different, I spent yesterday with my favorite one year old grand daughter, Ily.  I could have sworn Bryan was sitting at the table telling Ily to act goofy.  As she sat there doing raspberries with water in her mouth and telling me no no no.  I wanted to catch her spitting water on video and don't you know every time the camera came out she would stop.  I kept thinking how Bryan would have laughed at her. No I did not tell her to stop. She also made me laugh when she threw a fit when she didn't get her way. It was so much fun spending the day with her and laughing at her even smiling when I thought of how much Bry would love his niece. David, I think Krystal is right, Bryan's curse was passed to you.  She is so much like Krystal and Bryan.  

This year I am also leaving on a cruise with my sister.  I am so excited.  He would want me to have such a great time. Of course I think he would have tried to convince Lori to take him.  So instead of remembering him with tears, this year I am able to smile and laugh when I remember him.  I miss him so much. 

3 years have gone by

I heard a quote not to long ago. I don't remember it exactly but went something like it seems nothing ever changes day to day but when you look back everything has changed. That is so true.  

Today marks the three year mark since I received the phone call that sent my world crashing in on me. Today I have mixed with emotions.  I am sad, mad, frustrated, melancholy, hopeful, happy, and excited. 

One of the things so frustrating is what time has done to my memory. I remember all of the things Bryan said to me.  I have all of my favorite sayings he used to say to me like "I love you, Mommy, hey, watsup" but I am starting to forget the sound of his voice and his laughter which kills me. He would make me laugh when he laughed.  I have all the edges of the puzzle but I am starting to loose the some of the middle pieces that makes the whole picture.

I am so excited Krystal comes home tonight. She has been in Uganda since February. She is only for a short while before she goes back to help open an orphanage. I am so proud of her. I am not sure if this she would have gone and found her happy place if our lives hadn't been rocked so hard.   This makes me hopeful that I will continue to find positives about this ugly whole in my heart.

I am learning to deal with most of the negative emotions. I deal with them constantly.  I have to say time does heal all wounds to an extent.  It makes your wounds very large ugly scars you have to look at and deal with.  For the most part I deal with them. For the most part. I am hoping as time goes on my horrific scar will even out and not be so painful to look at.

Day by day things look the same I still hurt, I am still emotional, I still have question  that will never be answered.  I will always have a hole in my heart and miss him more than ever. However, when I look back on the big picture, I am better. I am dealing with it better. I have hope which I didn't have. I am stronger.